Our parents are aging, and that’s not an easy truth to accept. What’s just as difficult to acknowledge is that we aren’t spring chickens anymore, either. Our aging parents need a lot more help and care than they did just a few short years ago, but we also have limited energy reserves — especially if we’re struggling with our own health issues.
We often sacrifice our own well-being to care for our loved ones, without realizing the toll that takes on our lives. In fact, this behavior, although noble, can destroy us if we don’t pay attention to the following warning signs.
1. You never feel rested, no matter how much sleep you get.
You may sleep a full eight hours, but wake up just as exhausted as you were when you went to bed. Then, you drag yourself through the day, stumbling through your chores and work tasks, and are already exhausted well before you can turn in for the night. Furthermore, you aren’t just tired: you’re likely also noticing cognitive difficulties like brain fog, confusion, forgetting words and names, and dropping the ball on important tasks.
You may be seriously sleep deprived if the aging parents you’re caring for need attention or assistance during your usual sleeping hours. When my grandmother was living in an assisted care facility, she had no idea what time it was due to cognitive deterioration, so getting a phone call at 4 a.m. to ask us what was on TV was quite common. Alternatively, you may be dealing with burnout, which will only get worse as your caring responsibilities ramp up with advancing years.
2. You’re depleted from being in constant caregiver mode.
When you’re on call 24/7 caring for aging parents, it may feel like you’re constantly outputting and never refilling your own fuel reserves. Every time you have a chance to sit down and catch a breath, somebody needs something from you.
This usually happens when people live with the elderly parents they’re caring for. Since you’re in the same home together, you’re expected to be available at all times, day and night. You love these people dearly, and you’re devoted to caring for them, but that doesn’t make it any easier, especially if they have no concept of personal space or alone time.
3. You’re struggling financially due to medical bills and paid care.
If you’re financially responsible for your aging parents’ needs, you may be struggling quite severely with the bills needed for their care, especially in our current economy. Even in places where most medical services are covered by insurance, you may still be paying out of pocket for items like mobility devices and dentures, as well as medications.
Alternatively, if your parents require more care than you’re able to provide yourself, you may be paying a significant amount of money for their full-time care facility. These homes can range from $1,500 a month with subsidized care to over $8,000 a month for assisted living units. The prices are higher for those with memory care needs, as additional staff need to be on hand in case of elopement or aggression.
If you have a limited budget already, these fees may be putting you in severe debt, or at the very least, limiting your funds even more. Even paying for a part-time, in-home carer who comes in a few times a week can be costly, especially if they aren’t subsidized in any way.
4. You’re constantly on edge, flinching every time you get a phone alert or someone calls your name.
You likely find it difficult to relax because you’re always expecting someone to reach out to you with a new need. If your aging parents live with you, then they might shout your name and derail your train of thought at any given moment, or interrupt meals, showers, and so on with any issue that they feel needs immediate attention.
Alternatively, if they live elsewhere and/or have a wide range of healthcare needs, any phone call or text may be a new crisis that you need to navigate. As such, any time you get a notification, you may find that your heart pounds and you fully expect to have to drop everything and run to their aid.
5. You’ve gone numb.
If you’ve reached the point where you’re so overwhelmed that you’ve checked out and gone numb, that’s a huge sign that your caregiving is destroying you. This may be compassion fatigue, or you may be in cortisol overload, and your body is telling you that you honestly cannot handle any more stress and responsibility.
By the time people get to the point where they have to disassociate just to get through the day, they’ve already sustained a significant amount of damage. If this feels familiar to you, please get help as soon as you can. Talk to your doctor, get some tests done, book time with a therapist, and see if you can get time off and respite care help. If you collapse with a heart attack, stroke, or similar, you won’t be able to help yourself much, let alone anyone else.
6. You feel like no matter what you do, it’s not enough.
Though it’s certainly not always the case, some older parents guilt-trip their adult children in situations like these, reminding them that they cared for them night and day when they were children, and now it’s apparently “too much to ask” to be cared for in turn.
As such, you may find that your aging parents are giving you a hard time about being tired or worn down from caregiving, forgetting that when they were raising you, they were significantly younger, healthier, and more energetic than you are now, and that a family home could be purchased for $12,000.
It’s noble of you to want to make your parents’ golden years as comfortable and pleasant in return for the beautiful life that they provided for you, but you also need to be realistic and cut yourself some slack. The world is a very different place now, and you’re decades older than they were when they took care of you. Furthermore, changing baby/toddler diapers for three years is quite different from changing adult diapers for a decade or more. It’s not an equal exchange, and that has to be taken into consideration.
7. You feel guilt at not being able to do enough.
This often happens to people whose elderly parents live in care residences because they’re unable to take care of them at home. Those who struggle with their own health issues, disabilities, and other responsibilities may not be able to dedicate as much time and energy as they’d like to caregiving, especially if their parents have high needs like dementia and Alzheimer’s.
You aren’t a neglectful failure of a child because you aren’t capable of providing the care your aging parents need. If anything, you’re showing how much you love them by acknowledging and accepting your limitations, and finding the best solution possible so they can thrive with proper care. It would be far more irresponsible — and even cruel — to end up neglecting their needs because you aren’t able to tend to them the way you’d like to.
8. The rest of your life is falling apart.
One of the clearest signs that you’re sacrificing too much caring for your aging parents is that the rest of your life is being destroyed. Maybe your marriage is failing because you and your spouse have no time together, and all finances are all put towards your parents’ care. Or perhaps you have zero relationship with your kids because you’re prioritizing your parents over them, and your body is falling apart due to irregular eating habits and no time for exercise.
We often talk about how important it is to have a healthy work-life balance, but caregiving for elderly parents is also a type of work. If you’re sacrificing everything in your life for your parents’ care, then when they finally pass on, you’ll have nothing left.
Final thoughts…
Caring for aging parents isn’t an easy thing to navigate. You want to do everything you can for them, but other people in your life need your love and care, including yourself.
If the signs mentioned here seem familiar to you, please reach out for help. Healthcare professionals, social workers, financial advisors, and mental health support staff are all available to help you through this, so both you and your parents end up with the support you all need.
