When counselling friends and family members who have been holding on to things that cause them pain, I’ve often used the burning coal analogy. If they were holding onto a smoldering coal that was burning them, the agony would start to alleviate the moment they let go of it, as healing would begin almost immediately.
Unfortunately, many people choose to hold onto the things that hurt them, even though releasing them would alleviate that pain. Here are 9 examples of things that people grip onto, which cause far more damage than the temporary pain of releasing them would.
1. Relationships that have run their course.
It’s never fun to acknowledge when a relationship has run its course, especially if it was a close one that has lasted several years. This can happen with romantic relationships, friendships, and connections with abusive/toxic family members, but can also occur with mentorships or camaraderie with community members.
Putting insincere effort into a relationship that you know is dead and gone can have a negative effect on many other aspects of your life. You may develop anxiety or depression from having to pretend that everything is okay, or health issues caused by repressing the emotions that you aren’t allowing yourself to acknowledge or express.
Yes, it’s awful to have “the talk” with someone you’ve been close to for years and now have to part ways with, but the result of letting go is like being released from a coffin so you can fly freely again.
2. A life that no longer fits you.
If you’ve ever tried to spend a day wearing clothes you’ve outgrown, then you’re well aware of how uncomfortable that can be. You might have to hold your breath every time you move, and everything pinches and squeezes you, making you feel claustrophobic, counting down the seconds until you can extricate yourself from the torture devices you’ve been strapped into.
When you’re living a life that no longer fits you, there’s no release from that kind of pain. It may be alleviated now and then when you have a moment to yourself, when you can scream into a pillow or disassociate enough to enjoy a few minutes of peace, but the constriction is still there, every hour of every day.
The only way to stop that pain is to release yourself from those bonds, whether it’s walking away from a dead marriage, quitting an excruciating job, or no longer living a lie that you’ve been maintaining for years.
3. Dreams or ambitions that will never come to fruition.
It’s a sad reality that some dreams will end up being declined. A person can spend their entire life chasing a dream that they desperately want to experience, but that doesn’t mean that their enthusiasm, dedication, or positive manifestation powers will make it come true. Countless people waste years of their lives aspiring to things they will never be able to attain, under the impression that they can reach the stars if they just keep trying and never give up.
I can speak of this one firsthand: I’ve had several strokes now, and each one has increased in severity and limited my ability to do certain things that I used to enjoy. It hurts deeply to face the truth that you’ll never make this old dream a reality and make peace with that. But it’s also an amazing opportunity to redirect your energy towards a new goal — one that you can attain through diligence and hard work.
4. Grudges.
If someone wronged you badly, you may still be ruminating on the grudge of that experience several years after the fact. That individual may not even remember your name, but you remember the experience in startling detail, and choose to recall it regularly so the pain and anger remain fresh in your mind.
This is akin to drinking poison and hoping it harms your enemy, to paraphrase Saint Augustine. No good can come of holding onto grudges and resentment like this. It’s possible that you’ve been holding onto these grudges for so long that you don’t know who you’d be without them, but isn’t this a wonderful new thing to discover? Who can you be without the pain of resentment clouding you and holding you back?
5. Hopes and expectations.
Quite often, when people are mourning the loss of a relationship or opportunity, what they’re actually mourning is the daydream they had about how things could have been — not the reality of what actually transpired. Most of us have hopes and expectations about certain scenarios, and when those hopes are dashed, we end up devastated.
Letting go of expectations like these can be quite painful, but allows us to meet situations with curiosity and an open heart, rather than a specified set of parameters about how we want them to unfold.
6. Regret about past mistakes.
Most of us have at least a few regrets about things we did in the past. For some, it was decisions we made that hurt other people who are now no longer in our lives. In other cases, it may be deep regret about not taking a different path, which has now been closed to us.
These things cannot be undone, and holding onto the pain of regret isn’t going to do you or anyone else any good. The best thing you can do is to choose to see this as a learning experience and be determined to make better choices when and if you come to a similar crossroads in the future.
7. The expectation of “closure.”
For many people, the only way they can deal with a difficult situation in their life is to have closure on it so they can move forward. Life doesn’t always tie things up neatly like that, however, which means that these people end up stagnating and spinning in place, wanting someone else to close the books that will allow them to get on with their lives.
You may not get official “closure” the way you’d like: the person who hurt you may not be willing to discuss what happened, the boss who fired you may not give you a suitable explanation, and so on. As such, you’ll need to choose to close that chapter yourself so you can move on, instead of remaining in that place of hurt and disappointment forever.
8. Being the person you think you should be rather than who you really are.
People who have been pretending to be something they’re not for years know the pain of living a lie. It manifests in small things like stomach upset, anxiety, and panic attacks, as well as big ones like nervous breakdowns and crying sessions in the shower where no one will hear the sobbing.
While living your truth may be a scary prospect, especially if it carries the risk of loss or ostracization, it’s better than remaining trapped. You may have spent years cultivating the persona of who you should be, and you aren’t sure who your real self actually is at this point. That’s scary as well, but it isn’t anywhere near as damaging as maintaining a facade until it finally destroys you.
9. Grief.
Grief is the most difficult one to deal with on this list because, for most people, letting it go feels like a betrayal. When one has lost someone close to them, for example, grief can almost make it feel like they’re still close. Furthermore, to let go of that grief may feel like we’re betraying that individual’s memory: that if we sincerely cared, we’d keep crying forever.
In reality, letting go of grief doesn’t mean that we don’t love that person anymore. We’re honoring both them and ourselves by opening ourselves up to experience joy again. It doesn’t mean we don’t deeply love and miss those who have passed on, but rather that when we do have joy, we can imagine ourselves sharing it with them and smile rather than cry.
Final thoughts…
Letting go of the things mentioned here is easier said than done, and it may take a few tries before it happens successfully. Please be gentle with yourself if you find that you’re backsliding a bit, and refocus your energy on letting go again. Sometimes, having something like an affirmation to repeat or a worry stone to fidget with can help to redirect your focus in a positive manner.
Remember that the goal here is to alleviate pain, not intensify it with self-condemnation. It will take time to heal, so be patient and kind towards yourself during this process.
