Have you ever told a joke at a party that you found hilarious, only to be met with crickets and blank stares? Or been ghosted after what you thought was an amazing date, with no explanation?
People who are often misunderstood by others usually end up feeling quite lonely, simply because they resonate on a different frequency. While this may be okay for some die-hard introverts, those who crave friendship and companionship may find this alienation painful.
If any of the following scenarios seem familiar, it’s likely that few people you’ve met truly “get” you.
1. Your enthusiasm is misinterpreted as you being a show-off.
Someone brings up a topic that you’re enthusiastic about, and you get excited to be able to connect with someone about it. Before you know it, the two of you are chatting animatedly about it, and you walk away thinking you’ve just shared an amazing moment with a potential new friend.
Only later, you find out that this person thought you were trying to one-up them by showing off how much more knowledgeable you were than them. In fact, they may feel like you were intentionally belittling or testing them. This wasn’t your intention at all, and you’re horrified by the thought: you simply thought you had finally met someone whose interests mirrored your own.
2. Things you find amusing go over others’ heads.
If you have niche interests and a sense of humor that others find “dark” or “weird”, you likely find some things amusing that most others either don’t “get” or don’t think are particularly funny. As a result, when you laugh at something obscure that those around you don’t understand, they’ll wonder what’s wrong with you instead of joining in and being entertained.
My partner and I have keeled over laughing at jokes about literature or science that have completely gone over other people’s heads, and have been sneered at like we’re from another planet. Either that, or accused of being elitist know-it-alls simply because we’ve studied different subjects than they have. There’s no competition or one-upmanship here: just amusement at things we personally find funny.
3. People don’t seem to understand your communication style.
People communicate in a variety of different ways, and those may be misunderstood or misconstrued by those who don’t share your approach. Differences in vocabulary, metaphors, and similes may cause a disconnect, as can varying approaches to active listening. What’s perfectly reasonable and polite to you may be offensive or off-putting to another, without any intention to be so.
A perfect example of this would be someone who, upon hearing about a difficulty that someone else has gone through, tries to show that they understand by relaying a story about their own struggle with a similar issue. It’s actually a common way of showing empathy for autistic people that’s frequently misunderstood. Rather than seeing that you were explaining that you empathize with their pain, they interpret this as you trying to steal the spotlight and making their struggle “all about you” instead.
4. Others are shocked when you share stories.
If you had a rough childhood, you may have developed a rather dark sense of humor as a coping mechanism to get through it, which others who haven’t experienced similar things may not understand. Similarly, if you share hilarious stories about what you’ve gone through, they may clutch their pearls or tear up and ask if you’re okay.
From your perspective, you’re sharing some of the things you’ve experienced so others can glean a better sense of who you are. Furthermore, you’re sharing these nuggets of personal info in a lighthearted manner so as not to traumatize anyone. They don’t see it that way, however, and may perceive this behavior as trauma dumping. Alternatively, they might have never been through anywhere near what you have, and as such, they don’t have a clue how to respond properly.
5. They flat-out ask what’s “wrong” with you.
How often have people told you that you’re weird, or asked you point-blank what’s wrong with you? If it’s happened more than a few times, that’s a surefire sign that nobody really “gets” you.
There’s nothing “wrong” with you at all — no more than anything is “wrong” with an orchid mantis who’s hanging out in a field of grasshoppers. You’re just different from them, and they don’t know how to process that. Essentially, your lack of sameness makes them uncomfortable, and instead of embracing difference, they get defensive and attack you for disturbing their status quo.
6. You feel like an alien in almost every social situation.
Those around you don’t think, feel, etc., the same way you do, and they treat you like you’ve come from another planet whenever you express your thoughts or perspectives. As a result, you’ve learned to either keep your mouth shut (just nodding and smiling into your beverage), or you’ve discovered that sharing well-timed, commonplace snippets helps to keep things amicable.
In reality, you feel like you’re following a script as an alien who’s gone undercover in a human suit and is trying to blend in so you don’t end up on a dissection table. When and if you slip up and say something authentic instead of toeing the line properly, you’ll promptly excuse yourself and flee for your own self-preservation.
7. You’re magically never invited to anything.
You find out about fun social events after the fact because your friends have posted photos of them on social media. When holidays roll around, you find yourself making solo plans simply because of how uncomfortable you’ve been in the past when you’ve spent time with family.
When you’re in social groups, you’re usually disinclined to let obnoxious comments slide for the sake of “keeping the peace”, and you don’t hesitate to call people out for their rudeness. Alternatively, you may feel overwhelmed by the cacophony of music, TV, countless people talking, dogs barking, and babies crying, and retreat to a bedroom for some decompression time, only to be yelled at for being unsociable. Since most people who know you are aware of this propensity of yours, they find it “easier” to simply not invite you at all.
8. People keep asking you to re-explain yourself.
You’ll explain yourself in a manner that seems completely reasonable to you, likely using abundant metaphors, similes, and even quotes from media you enjoy, and others will blink at you like you’re reciting Hamlet in Klingon. They’ll ask you to repeat what you’ve said or explain yourself further, yet clarity in understanding continues to elude them.
Even if you’ve pared things down to their most basic parts, they still don’t seem to “get” where you’re coming from. At this point, you’re beyond frustrated; they’re annoyed (and possibly insulting you), and you’ve just folded your arms over your chest and stopped talking. In fact, the words “never mind” are likely the ones you’ve repeated most over the course of your life thus far.
Final thoughts…
It’s difficult to feel lonely due to being misunderstood, but oftentimes that’s preferable to trying to be something you’re not in order to fit in with those with whom you’ll never have much in common.
The key to overcoming this loneliness isn’t to be someone else, but to find your “bookends” — those who match your energy and speak the same languages you do. They’re out there: you just need to seek them out in the same places you’d prefer to frequent. Birds of a feather really do flock together, and sing the same melodies too.
