How many times have you been at a party or other event and watched someone who worked the room like they owned the place? Charismatic people seem to charm those around them effortlessly, and they make new friends, business partners, and romantic connections just about everywhere they go. So how do they do this?
Rather than being adorned with magical talismans, they use subtle techniques, often without even thinking about them; techniques that make other people feel at ease and encourage them to establish stronger bonds with them, such as the following:
1. Making whoever they’re talking to feel like the center of the universe.
When a charismatic person is having a conversation with someone, nothing else exists to them. They aren’t glancing around the room to see who else they might know there, nor are they checking or playing on their phone.
All of their attention is placed on the individual who’s in front of them, and that person feels their care and energy intensely. The goal is to make this person feel important, valued, and seen rather than insignificant. They leave the conversation feeling like someone who matters and will be remembered.
2. Active listening.
While a lot of folks have to learn how to do active listening, charismatic people seem to have (and use) this trait without thinking. It’s a communication method in which you repeat what the person has said or ask questions about what they’ve told you. This is a great approach for ensuring that you’re on the same page, because it reduces miscommunication and misunderstandings exponentially.
When a person does this, they aren’t simply nodding and smiling politely, waiting for the one they’re with to stop blathering on. Instead, they’re actively engaging and paying attention, which is invaluable for weaving stronger webs with others.
In fact, active listening is one of the cornerstones of public relations: when you’re sincere as well as charismatic, people want to know you and spend more time with you, either as a friend, colleague, or partner.
3. Remembering details about people.
When I was a child, I had a difficult time remembering details about people, like names, important dates, and so on. My grandfather — one of the most charismatic people I’ve ever met — shared a technique that helped him remember the details of those under his military command: create a mental “map” and a story about them.
While it takes a bit of practice to cultivate this skill, it eventually becomes second nature. Many charismatic individuals do this with everyone they meet, which is why they still remember people’s birthdays, their children’s names, or what they’re allergic to, years or even decades after meeting them.
4. Playfulness.
You’ve probably noticed that the most charismatic, charming people around generally don’t take themselves too seriously. Think of public figures like Keanu Reeves or former president Barack Obama: they’re not just friendly and kind individuals, but are also quick-witted and playful — cracking jokes and even being silly on occasion.
Behavior like this immediately puts folks at ease because they don’t feel that they need to display perfect, genteel behavior in these people’s presence. They can be more open and relaxed, and people are naturally drawn to those who make them feel comfortable in their own authenticity.
5. Finding common ground.
People with high charisma always seek out a way to find common ground with the person they’re talking to. They know that no matter who they meet, there will inevitably be something they share. It could be their taste in films or literature, their cultural background, spirituality, or a mutual love of cheese.
This common ground becomes a foundation upon which they can build a rapport. In many cases, that foundation becomes strong enough for a friendship or other relationship to develop.
When you think about the people you’re closest to, you’ll recognize that you have some integral things in common, right? You weren’t born knowing these individuals, so the relationship you cultivated started off by planting seeds in the soil of common ground you shared. And look where that got you!
6. Treating everyone like they’re an old friend they’re reconnecting with.
This technique works remarkably well for putting others at ease almost instantly. It bypasses all the awkwardness and discomfort that can happen when people meet for the first time, because instead of treating people like strangers, it’s like you’re simply getting to know each other again after a period of separation.
The way charismatic people do this is to do things like offering them food, sharing a joke (especially about themselves), and sitting comfortably in their presence like it’s something they’ve done a thousand times before. When there’s no judgment or awkwardness present, those around them can’t help but mirror that energy to become much more comfortable in their presence.
7. Observing subtle changes in others and bringing positive attention to them.
Charismatic people are often very adept at instantly noting and filing away small changes in those around them, or what individuals within their social circle are invested in. For instance, they’ll swiftly and subtly compliment a change in hairstyle or a new painting in the living room in order to make that person feel good about their choices.
Similarly, they’re often so attuned to the energy of those around them that they’ll be the first to note when someone seems a bit sad or upset about something. In fact, they’ll often pinpoint what it is and either offer a well-aimed remark that lifts their spirits, or get them a treat they know they’ll like while out on their lunch break in order to inspire a smile.
8. They are a walking wellspring of knowledge, with enough wit and charm to use it properly.
Although nowhere near as popular nowadays, bards and skalds in the days of yore spent almost as long developing their performances as they did memorizing the stories they told. Even great tales can be as dull as ditchwater if told badly and with no enthusiasm, and the opposite can be said for even an average story in the hands (or voice) of a master storyteller.
Charismatic people can intuit when it’s the right time to contribute to the conversation going on near them, and when to be quiet. When it’s their turn to talk, they’ll either build upon that conversation or come up with a witty, engaging segue to shift it to a different direction.
They’re usually knowledgeable about numerous topics, and can engage with others on their own terms as easily as they can nudge discussions in directions that would serve them better.
This approach is non-threatening to those who were already talking and charming to those who are interested in what’s being said, which serves to plant roots for future relationships with everyone involved.
Final thoughts…
Unlike narcissists, naturally charismatic individuals charm others with sincerity rather than manipulation. Many people can tell the difference between when someone is turning on the charm in order to coerce them into doing something and when they’re talking to them because they honestly want to get to know them better.
As such, authenticity, friendliness, and kindness are fundamentals that charismatic people put into practice on a regular basis. Even if a person isn’t born with these traits, they can be cultivated to good effect — as long as the end goal is a connection that benefits all, not just themselves.
