Shoulders loosen and drop, warm smiles appear, and open conversation flows.
Is there a better way to know that somebody is relaxed around you? These are positive signs that you’re doing something right in getting others to feel comfortable with you. And if that’s not your experience but you want it to be, then today is about tapping into the behaviors that encourage others to let their guard down around you.
There are 9 behaviors in all, and each one explains why people will be drawn to you and why they’ll find solace in your aura. If you’ve ever wondered what it is about you that creates such warmth, or you want to develop this part of yourself, you’ve come to the right place.
1. You create a safe space for them to speak their truth by listening attentively.
The floor is yours.
That’s the kind of attitude that gives people permission to be themselves and let their guard down. A safe, non-judgmental space to just let whatever is pent up, flow out without assuming that every five minutes you’ll either lose interest, halt them speaking, or impose your own beliefs or experiences onto theirs.
There’s a beautiful presence about being able to do this, which means the person talking feels heard, and more importantly, respected. This is what is known as active listening, and it’s shown to increase trust, which is exactly why people come to you if this is an approach you’re naturally gifted with or have learned to hone.
It’s rare these days to find somebody willing to sit back and open their ears rather than constantly plan their response before the speaker has finished. If you’re an active listener, I applaud you.
2. You resist making assumptions (and challenge them when they do crop up).
Part of how we’re built as humans includes quickly evaluating others. It’s a type of cognitive shortcut we all make, because our brains need to simplify complex information in order to make quick decisions.
The problem is that, while it’s helpful when our brains get it right, they often get it wrong because they are inherently biased. There’s a cognitive bias called the fundamental attribution error, which is particularly prevalent here, and I’ll present it clearly for you with this example:
You’re driving, and somebody cuts you up. You want to yell and cuss at them, and right there, you’ve decided their actions are because they are what you’re cussing. But what if they’re rushing somebody to hospital? What if their partner is in labor?
You have fundamentally attributed their behavior to a defect in them, rather than considering the context. You’ve already made up your mind that they’re just an idiot who cut you up, and you’ll respond to them in kind. The same thing happens every day in conversation. Someone says or does something, we make assumptions about them based on that and respond accordingly, and the conversation shuts down as a result.
In contrast, if you give people the benefit of the doubt and stop making judgments, you’re far more likely to be the kind of person who people can relax around.
3. You ooze empathy (even if you don’t completely understand their experience).
When you let your guard down around somebody, it’s usually because you feel seen and heard by them. It’s not usually because they’re rushing to solutions to help you fix your problems or trying to make you feel better by downplaying your experience.
To make someone feel safe and understood, rather than jumping in and telling them what to do, it’s important to recognize how tough what they’re telling you is. Validating first can transform a conversation, and affirm the other person’s feelings, and the best part is, you don’t even have to even necessarily have to agree with them or have shared the same experience as them. You simply have to believe and show that you believe their feelings and experiences are valid to them.
Letting people have their point of view is something we could all do more of in this world.
4. You sense other people’s boundaries.
Have you ever been around people who just don’t know when to let go or give you space? It’s like the walls are closing in on you. Having good boundaries can also be about having the ability to sense when a topic needs changing, or when somebody has had enough of talking.
Before they roll their eyes or make an excuse to leave your company, being able to spot the signs and change gears can work wonders for their comfort levels. That’s a beautiful talent to have, and it’s also a skill that can be developed, which builds trust and safety with whoever you’re talking with.
It’s worth noting that the signs aren’t universal, despite what body language experts would have you believe. We all communicate differently, and that goes for non-verbal cues too. As such, changes in an individual’s usual body language and communication style are what’s important to look out for. Such as someone who was previously talking lots, now only giving one-word answers. Someone who was previously giving lots of eye contact now avoiding it. Or someone who was gesticulating frequently, suddenly crossing their arms (without another explanation, such as cold weather or pain).
Respecting boundaries isn’t always about accepting someone’s “no” (although that’s crucial too). It can also include sensing where you need to take a conversation, or where the environment around you is starting to get a little icy. It’s a behavior that those who need it will notice.
5. You refuse to engage in gossip, even passively.
I think of gossipers as I’d think of a hen house: just a lot of clucking, but nothing that you should try to make sense of. If you attract people who relax around you, then gossiping is likely not your thing. After all, where does gossiping ever get anybody anyway?
If a person knows that you don’t speak about others, they’re far more likely to assume (probably correctly) that you won’t speak about them, either. When you can prove your respect for others, you’re immediately showing the person you’re with that you will respect them, too, and that goes a long way in how they then relax around you.
And you know, if you’re speaking to somebody who is gossiping, even if it’s just passive listening, you’re also at risk of being on the receiving end of their gossip eventually, as well as potentially becoming an accomplice to malicious rumors. None of that is genuine, and that won’t lead anyone to want to drop their guard around you, not even for a second!
6. You offer genuine consistency.
There are some unhealthy behaviors that can exist within relationship dynamics, but one healthy behavior is how consistent you can be with whoever you meet. If you don’t pretend, or drastically change from person to person, you’re predictable and reliable – in all the best ways!
People know what to expect with you, and this creates the kind of environment where they can relax because there won’t be any surprises or sudden personality changes. They feel safe around you. And what does feeling safe do? It opens people up! Your genuine, unwavering personality makes them feel safe to show theirs too, and so they do.
7. You celebrate conversational balance.
A conversation is a little bit like a song. It has rhythm and flow, and involves two people who both feel engaged. When you enter a conversation dominating it, however, it becomes incredibly one-sided, to the point where you will likely see the other person check out.
Now, that’s not to say that all people communicate in the same way, or that one communication style is superior to another. For example, autistic folk often do what is affectionately known amongst the community as “info dumping.” That is, passionately sharing a large amount of information about a topic of interest to their conversation partner.
Here, it’s not coming from a place of selfishness or domination, but rather an intense desire to share something they love with someone they are enjoying talking to. And if they are talking to another autistic person, it’s very likely to show the other person they are safe to info dump to in return. That is still a form of conversational balance when both people are engaged in it.
In neurotypical circles, however, or when communicating across neurotypes, a bit more frequent back and forth is usually required to allow each person to feel safe to express themselves. Those who are adept at it often take pauses every so often to check the other person’s engagement level, and use phrases like “What are your thoughts?” to bring a flow and balance back if needed.
As with most of these behaviors, the key is to strike a balance between being your unique self while having the compassion and curiosity to allow the other person to do the same.
8. There’s a calmness about you.
In a storm, we look for a point of focus. While the wind is howling, our eyes travel to a place where there is a stillness, and it’s there that we ground ourselves.
Maybe that place is you.
If you notice people opening up to you and relaxing in your company, then without even realizing it, you may be the antidote to their dysregulated nervous system!
There is scientific research – known as Polyvagal Theory – that suggests how you speak and behave influences how safe others feel around you. The calmer and more regulated you are, the calmer and more regulated they are likely to be. Simply put, our nervous system acts like a detector. It sounds the alarm when we are around people who are giving off an energy of stress or threat, and it relaxes around people who are calm.
I am officially in line to look for more calm people, so please, form an orderly queue behind me.
Final thoughts…
If you’re the human honey to the conversational bees circling you, then it’s always going to be because you offer them something they aren’t getting anywhere else.
You offer the conversational equivalent of a gravitational pull, and that’s a gift not many possess. People are drawn to you because you make them feel safe and seen. For people to fully relax and let their guard down, they have to feel a sense of authenticity about a person, because then they feel safe to be their authentic selves, too.
Hands up if you could do with a little of that!
