As common as anger is, it’s interesting that it’s a secondary emotion. That is, many people react with anger because they don’t feel the primary emotion they are feeling is “safe” to express.
Many struggling people use anger to mask sadness, fear, or anxiety. The people who have to carry that heavy mental load may project it as anger to keep others from asking too many questions, to not reveal vulnerability, or to not bring other people down.
With that in mind, if these common situations make you angry, anger may not be what’s actually going on…
1. When someone calls you out or corrects you in front of other people.
No one likes to be corrected in front of other people, but sometimes it needs to happen. It can easily spark anger, because how dare you correct me in public!?
But what is actually going on there? Why is that a thing to get angry over? Is it because it’s disrespectful?
Correcting someone can certainly be disrespectfully done, but doing it isn’t inherently disrespectful. In fact, it may be completely necessary if the person is giving bad information. A lot of harm can come from misinformation if it’s not corrected in the moment.
Still, in those situations, anger provides a shield for any shame, embarrassment, or fear of looking incompetent that may arise in the individual.
2. When someone offers you help because you’re struggling.
I spent almost two decades of my life swimming in anger and depression. At times, some people did try to get through my thick skull to help me realize that something was wrong with me.
They tried to be kind people and reach out to someone they saw struggling – and it would enrage me.
I would get angry as a defensive mechanism to keep them away. Not only that, but it felt like a slight on my masculinity, that they were implying I somehow couldn’t take care of myself or handle my own problems.
In my mind, I was surviving. I hadn’t taken a long walk off a short pier, so I was doing “fine”.
Except I was not fine. I needed help, but I was too emotionally immature to understand or accept that. I covered my shame at not being able to cope with anger, pride, and irritability.
3. When someone sets a personal boundary with you.
Boundaries can be a tricky subject for people who struggle with them. Why? Because a boundary can feel like a personal rejection, which can cause a person to respond with anger.
You may find yourself thinking, “Why are you rejecting me when I’m just trying to be close to you?” But that’s the wrong way to view reasonable boundaries.
Instead, boundaries are a filter, not a wall. They are the person saying, “I do want you to be around me, but under these conditions.”
Everyone should have healthy boundaries and limits because that’s how you keep yourself safe, happy, and healthy. Boundaries are a good thing, and if someone is setting a boundary with you, it means they likely do want you in their life, and those conditions are how to maintain that.
4. When someone is making the same mistakes that you once did.
There’s nothing quite like being reminded of your own shortcomings and screw-ups. It’s also painful to watch someone make a mistake, knowing how it’s going to end, and have them completely ignore your advice and lived experience. You just get to shrug, wait, and watch them learn that lesson the hard way.
But that isn’t the only problem.
Watching someone else make the same mistakes you did can remind you of unresolved guilt or unaddressed trauma.
I recall one time I got mad at a friend who was being treated badly by someone else, and I was mad that he wouldn’t stand up for himself. After I stopped to think about my anger later, I realized that it was touching on the times I didn’t stand up for myself.
I wasn’t really angry at him at all; I was re-living my own unresolved issues.
5. When someone misunderstands your intentions.
Sometimes, we can set out to do the right thing and not get it right. It happens.
In those situations, we hope that the people we’re close to will give us the benefit of the doubt on the situation. But that can be harder than you realize. After all, many people have their own struggles and traumas that affect the way they perceive things.
A person who doesn’t feel seen or hasn’t felt seen in their life may get angry if their intentions are misread.
It’s a reminder that other people aren’t seeing them for who they are, especially if the action could be interpreted maliciously. Like, “You really believe I would do that to you? That’s all you think of me? You don’t know me at all.”
6. When someone tells you to “calm down.”
As any wise person knows, the quickest way to amplify a fight is to tell the other person to “calm down.” But why? Why would that cause anger?
Well, there are a lot of other emotions that go along with that. Primarily, when you tell a person to calm down, you are invalidating the anger that they are currently feeling. That’s never a good idea.
People who are genuinely not heard or feel they have been wronged will react with anger and defensiveness because they feel their anger is justified. After all, they’re angry, and the reason they’re angry is valid to them.
It’s disrespectful in a way that not a lot of people think about. It’s not just saying “calm down.” It’s also saying, “Your feelings are not valid,” or “I don’t care to hear you.”
7. When someone or something disrupts your regular routine.
In some cases, fear and anxiety can cause an angry response in this situation. Many people find safety in their routines, and when that routine is disturbed, they may get angry as a defensive mechanism.
And it’s worth noting that for some people, such as autistic folk, predictability is not just a preference, but a matter of brain wiring.
But that can cause challenges in life because things don’t always go according to plan. In plenty of situations, life is going to find some way of interfering with the routine.
That’s just something you have to get comfortable with, or at least learn to respond to with emotional regulation. Adaptability and flexibility are important traits for keeping one’s head when circumstances change.
It’s certainly reasonable to be annoyed by the unexpected, particularly if you’ve made plans, but anger doesn’t help. Sometimes, you just have to roll with the punches.
8. When you make a small mistake.
There’s nothing worse than a small mistake when you’re already on edge.
Anxiety and fear are often the true emotions behind this kind of anger, and perfectionism is often used as a maladaptive coping skill for anxiety.
That is, the person convinces themselves that they can have total control over the outcomes, and by doing that, they can have peace. But that’s not the way life or people work.
People make mistakes. It’s not a character flaw. It just happens at times. Far better to be able to say, “Okay, I made a mistake. Now I just need to take a breath and fix it.”
I struggled with this a lot myself because my brain was agitated so often that I would just explode sometimes. It was embarrassing, and it wasn’t until I learned self-regulation skills that I was able to control my reactions better.
9. When you feel anger because someone else is having a hard time.
There’s an interesting aspect of psychology called “moral distress.”
Empathy, sympathy, or distress at another’s suffering may manifest as anger for that person, instead of sadness or concern. Anger is a common response to situations like these because anger helps you feel more in control. It can feel direct and to the point.
You have someone or something to be angry at, and anger can be a catalyst for change, so the brain opts for anger and defensiveness instead of sadness, empathy, or simply holding space.
Sometimes, we don’t have any other way to react to an unfairness or a lack of justice other than anger, when we are also feeling despair. Like, how could things be this way? How is that possible? Unfortunately, they sometimes just are.
Closing thoughts…
Anger often masks other, more complicated emotions that we haven’t fully processed or don’t feel comfortable experiencing. But anger can be such a destructive force in your life when you let it roam unchecked. I can’t tell you how many friendships, relationships, and opportunities I ruined for myself because of my anger.
Take the time to look beneath the surface. Find what you’re actually feeling, and let yourself feel it. It’s okay to feel emotions like shame, fear, anxiety, or embarrassment. They aren’t the end of the world. They’re just emotions.
