I wasn’t always a person who felt comfortable doing any of these six things, let alone all of them. Proudly, I can say now that I have overcome so much in my life that I do now have a level of self-respect that was once a pipe dream.
In truth, we all walk different paths, but one thing is for sure: the things on this list are not easy for some.
It’s not because they consciously don’t respect themselves, but rather, they’ve been conditioned that way. And that belief becomes reinforcing because it causes them to engage in behaviors that further diminish self-respect.
It’s my hope that in addressing the behaviors a self-respecting person should feel comfortable doing, it will begin to bring awareness to those who struggle. And if you’re already comfortable with these 7 things, keep at it!
1. Saying no without excessive (or any) explaining.
It’s one word with two letters that is so challenging for many to say. Why? Because it’s so strong! It tells people, “I do not agree.” “I do not want to.” “I will not.”
It’s uncomfortable, especially when other options are available and easier on the conscience. That’s why it’s usually accompanied by an overexplanation. But overcompensating for your “No” with an excessive explanation can often make situations worse, or create new issues that weren’t there before.
To be comfortable with the word no means to say it and stop there. Of course, a “No, thank you” or “No, I can’t” is a bit more polite, but the point is you don’t have to give an extensive explanation, or even any explanation at all, in some circumstances.
For some people, overexplaining is actually a trauma response. It isn’t a cute trait that someone struggles with; it’s a sign of a threatened nervous system that doesn’t want to be criticized, even though that may never come.
Overcoming that is going to be tough for people who grew up in unpredictable or emotionally neglectful environments where they felt the need to constantly justify themselves in order to feel safe.
Tough? Yes. Impossible? Certainly not. If you want to respect yourself more, breaking through those barriers is the first place to start.
2. Walking away from things that consistently drain them.
I like this one. It’s giving yourself permission to believe “I deserve to be picky with who I spend my time with.”
Off the top of my head, I can think of several people whom I have stepped away from in my own life. I don’t know if this is relatable to you, but I felt physically cold around them. Their presence did something to me that, even on the warmest of days, would make my body feel as though it was shutting down.
I’d come away from conversations or time with them feeling not just tired, but like I could sleep for a week. It’s particularly common in people with high empathy and intuition. Your energy merges with another’s, sensing their feelings. That’s not so bad if you are around good energy people, but energy vampires are not good energy people; they drain the life out of you.
In order to respect yourself, I do believe you have to respect your energy and who you give it to. Though it’s hard to do, it is ultimately so satisfying to walk away from those kinds of people when you have the means to do so, because you realize when your energy returns how much of it had left you before.
3. Maintaining their boundaries even if it means disappointing people.
You’ll always know when your boundaries work, because you’ll annoy the people who weren’t meant to stick around.
It’s not because there was anything wrong with those boundaries, but rather your “I’m not tolerating this” got them riled because they are used to overstepping and taking advantage.
Now they can’t. You’re adamant and determined, and it’s empowering. So empowering in fact, that it becomes an addiction to keep it that way. That’s probably one of the highest forms of self-respect you can offer yourself, and if you’re comfortable doing so, then even better.
If boundaries are difficult for you, then you may be in a place where people-pleasing and keeping the peace trumps your inner peace. But in the long run, that is a far more exhausting, difficult place to live because you’re abandoning yourself in order to make everyone else happy.
So, disappoint people if you have to. Other people’s disappointment with your reasonable boundaries is something for them to work through, not you.
4. Asking for what they need instead of expecting or hoping others would automatically know.
Many people struggle with direct communication. It’s common in those who grew up in environments where expressing needs was met with dismissal or criticism, making it feel safer to hope others will just figure it out than to risk being vulnerable enough to ask.
But if we’re expecting people to guess what we need or want and aren’t confident enough to ask for it, then by default, we likely aren’t getting half of what we really deserve. Because people aren’t mind readers, and indirect hints inevitably result in miscommunication.
In contrast, if we’re clear, concise, and particular with our requests, then we are accurately communicating what we want and think we deserve, no confusion necessary. And we are more likely to actually get what we are asking for.
When you think of it like that, it stands to reason that those who respect themselves are more than comfortable asking for what they want. It’s difficult to put that out there if you aren’t confident in yourself, which is what can make it so hard for others.
5. Refusing to chase people who are committed to misunderstanding them.
Imagine you’re labelled something that you’re absolutely not, like insensitive, by a person who is basing their opinion on one mistake you made.
You chase them, texting your self-defense. “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to say it that way.” “I would never want to hurt you.” “Please can you forgive me?” “Will you reply? I really want to sort this out.”
You get nothing but more abuse. You’re this, you’re that.
Where does that leave you?
You can either sit in their own version of the truth or yours. You cannot change the mind of someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.
It’s difficult to step back and let it be, but when you respect yourself, you will know the truth without the need to convince them of it.
6. Choosing long-term peace over temporary approval.
What a way to nurture your wellbeing and self-respect! A lot of people don’t manage this; after all, choosing long-term peace can create a discomfort that some people may not want to feel an ounce of.
But if you can, it’s because you’re playing the long game, rather than the easy one.
Personally, I’ve walked on eggshells my entire life trying to keep the peace. I wanted to grow up in a happy home where each person was respected, but that didn’t happen. It was all about the moods of a certain few, and everyone else had to tiptoe around them. Long term, what did that solve? Absolutely nothing for me, that’s for sure.
Choosing long-term peace meant I had to deal with the discomfort of cutting contact with two people in my life. And I don’t regret it. I choose the peace of walking away from bullies, despite some people not approving of it.
I learned that their disapproval wasn’t my problem. Could I have done that twenty years ago? No! I had to get to a point where I had healed enough to respect myself to make that choice.
It’s possible for you, too.
Final thoughts…
Finding something difficult doesn’t make that thing impossible. It might feel that way if you struggle with a lack of self-respect, but often that’s because that is the narrative you have been handed down.
We aren’t to blame for how we’ve been conditioned to deal with things; sometimes it boils down to how we were raised and treated. It can feel safe to stay with the familiar. But to get to a place of self-respect, you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
When you can, you’ll realize how empowering it can really be.
