Nobody exits the uterus feeling deep insecurity. Being born with the ability to feel good about ourselves doesn’t inherently exist, either. It’s learned through our environment and the people who raise us. Kids truly don’t miss a thing – good or bad!
Insecurity is made, and experiencing one or some of these 7 things often results in someone feeling as though nothing they say or do, or even how they feel about themselves, is ever good enough.
So, what are the ingredients of someone who eventually possesses this ultimately unhealthy and unhelpful trait?
1. Learning that keeping others happy is safer than being yourself.
When you learn that nurturing your authenticity is more dangerous than keeping the peace, it has lasting effects on your sense of worth.
Because the kinds of people you feel you have to keep happy are never the types of people who make you feel good enough. I speak as someone who knows what it’s like to be a little girl and never do right by certain people.
You can spend your entire life never knowing who you really are if all you ever do is live to please. Psychologists call it the fawn response, and unfortunately, many kids have been raised this way.
You mask. You learn to stay small. Because it’s the only way you feel like you can survive. Somewhere along the way, you’ll have been taught this was the treatment you deserved or that it’s what was safest at the time.
I’m here to tell you that you were always good enough. Your value is not defined by how many people you can make happy. Your value is inherent.
2. Being taught to accept blame for things that weren’t your responsibility.
If I had a beautiful, shiny English pound for every time I heard my mother say she was sorry over the years, I’d have my own yacht. She had learned through years of constantly being blamed for everything that she was the problem. That she was a problem.
The word “sorry” should be used to express genuine regret, but for those who have been taught they are not good enough, “sorry” becomes a reflex. It’s used as a shield from criticism. It’s used to seek approval. It’s used to make themselves small. It’s a word that deflects conflict.
And it’s often gender biased. Studies show that women are more inclined to over-apologize due to their threshold for perceived offensive behavior being higher, but that doesn’t discount men entirely from saying sorry when they needn’t.
Regardless of your gender, repeated criticism often lies at the heart of this behavior. Imagine growing up or being in a relationship with someone who constantly put you down or blamed you for things that weren’t your fault?
Over time, they wear you down so much that you begin to believe you are the problem, and you take responsibility when it’s not yours to claim.
3. Being taught that love or affection were contingent on being agreeable.
What does being agreeable mean to you?
For me, there is an element of keeping the peace. It can make you appear cooperative and willing to prioritize social harmony. And that’s no bad thing.
But agreeability can go too far when it’s used too frequently, to the point where who you are fundamentally gets pushed aside in favor of just being who everyone wants you to be.
Underneath that often lies just wanting to be liked and approved of. You feel that if you were yourself and spoke up or disagreed, that people would think less of you. You don’t want that, and so you nod and smile to fit in and comply.
That’s learned, people. If this sounds like you, then somewhere along the line, you’ll have learned that your opinions were different from the norm, irrelevant, not good enough, or even uncalled for. You’ll have been taught that compliance meant approval, acceptance, or even love.
It was only then that you felt you were good enough, so you kept it up.
4. Taking up any space came with negative consequences.
I used to love the movie Mannequin as a kid. I’d sit patiently and wait for the song as the credits rolled, so my five-year-old self could dance without a care in the world. I recall it well, but it was always met with the rolling of eyes from a certain parent. “Can’t you just sit down?” “Okay, that’s enough now.” “You’re in the way of the TV!”
All I knew was that I loved (still do) that song, and I wanted to express myself. But that space just wasn’t allowed, and taking it up meant I was making myself bigger than I should’ve been.
It wasn’t acceptable for me to express my feelings or needs as a child, and so I learned to keep myself small.
I stopped dancing because I knew I’d be criticized. It felt like the right thing to do, even though I deserved to have my feelings respected. I learned to be self-critical, which inevitably led to an insecurity I lived with for years.
Luckily, as an adult, I’ve learned to challenge this self-critical voice. I dance in the kitchen, car, or even the supermarket, to whatever I want.
5. Learning that your value came from what you gave or produced, not who you actually were.
“What do I have to offer?” Maybe, just maybe, what you have to offer isn’t what you can give, but rather who you are. Who are you? Do you even know? Were you given space to explore that question as a child?
Many people were not. Instead, they were made to find value in what they brought to the house or family dynamics. Was it your good grades or spotless reputation that was seen as a good thing? Did you learn how to keep the house tidy or cook well?
Underneath all of what you did was a person who struggled to be seen over and above what you gave to people. Your inner value simply didn’t exist in other people’s eyes.
That’s enough to make anyone feel like they’re not good enough.
6. Being taught that other people’s emotions and needs take precedence.
Some people grew up in homes or had relationships where one person’s needs or emotions always seemed to take center stage. And worse, if they tried to prioritize themselves and their own needs, and in turn neglected others, they were somehow made to feel bad.
If this sounds familiar, it’s likely that when others signaled that they needed you or something from you, there you were. You became highly tuned into their thoughts and emotions, and that‘s where you found your purpose. It’s a common experience of children who were forced to act like parents, which psychologists call parentification.
Can you imagine how it must feel to constantly monitor other people’s moods, particularly when your safety depends on it? Not only do you become hypervigilant to the slightest shift, but you’re also anticipating fixing it, too.
When your entire sense of purpose is built around managing others, you never develop a stable internal sense of your own worth. And without that foundation, feeling good enough about yourself becomes nearly impossible.
7. Making yourself small so you could fit in with other people’s expectations of you.
Shrinking yourself so that those who see you as “less than” can feel they got it right about you is probably the single most destructive act you could carry out for yourself.
If you’re treated like you don’t matter, or are incapable, or unimportant, over time, you start to behave that way. It might happen at home, when you’re constantly compared to a sibling and found wanting, or at school, where teachers don’t see what you have to offer.
What does that look like in the long run? Well, it means you never feel good enough. You’re underestimated as a person, and eventually, you learn to underestimate yourself. Instead of figuring out your own limits, you believe those bestowed upon you.
But other people’s expectations of you shouldn’t be the stick by which you measure yourself. The only measure that truly matters is what you do and who you are.
Final thoughts…
Every behavior or belief has an origin, or a root, if you prefer. We can trace who we are back to how we’ve previously been treated by others, and the environment we spent a lot of our time in.
To be insecure means you lack confidence in your own abilities, and sometimes that can stem from never having the opportunity to know what those abilities even are.
You spent so much time in your life never feeling good enough that you just assumed it was a fundamental part of your personality, but I’m here to tell you that every part of you has a beginning. And that beginning does not have to resemble the end.
