What does it mean for a person to be considered “moody”? Generally, it’s when someone runs hot and cold as far as their actions and emotions go, and can swing from one extreme to another in a short period of time, without much thought as to how it affects others.
We’re not talking about the people who are painfully aware that they struggle with emotion regulation, often due to brain wiring or formative conditioning, and who work hard to mitigate their moods. Rather, we’re talking more about individuals who will dominate situations with whatever emotion they’re experiencing, and expect that everyone else will put up with or cater to their moods, showing little awareness or care about the damage it’s having on other people.
The behaviors listed here are some of the primary ones that they’ll exhibit, and they completely exhaust just about everyone around them when they manifest.
1. Refusing to explain their behavior, and expecting others to “just know.”
One of the most draining and annoying things that moody people do on a regular basis is to let everyone around them know just how miserable they are, but refuse to explain why.
When asked, they may get sarcastic and tell people to figure it out, since it should be obvious to them why they’re upset. Or they’ll offer a line like “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”
Being expected to physically comprehend why someone else is upset is both unfair and unrealistic. People aren’t mind readers. It’s a juvenile, often attention-seeking behavior in which the one being snapped at is expected to keep pursuing the moody individual in the hope of coaxing, cajoling, or otherwise encouraging them to explain what they did wrong and how to go about fixing it.
This requires an extraordinary amount of energy to deal with, especially if the moody person refuses to explain for days at a time, getting increasingly more acerbic as time passes.
2. Complaining endlessly, and then getting defensive when confronted about it.
Few things can drain or frustrate people quite as much as someone who complains endlessly about a situation — especially one that’s self-chosen — only for that individual to then fiercely defend what they had just been complaining piteously about a moment before.
Case in point: I have an acquaintance who has been complaining about her narcissistic, parasitic leech of a partner for well over a decade now. She’ll turn to her friends in anguish about how exhausted she is and how much he takes her for granted, but if anyone else has the audacity to say anything negative about him in agreement, she’ll do an abrupt about-face and defend him fiercely, making excuses for the very behaviors she had been crying about moments before.
It’s exhausting to be expected to provide endless support for someone who switches their stance on the subject like a rotary fan.
3. Expecting their emotional rollercoasters to be supported whenever they like.
Whatever it is they’re feeling at the moment is expected to set the tone for what everyone else is experiencing. Their attitude dictates what they think should be felt by those around them, and if they don’t get adequate support for their current mood, they’ll play victim or get hostile, accusing those nearby of not caring about them.
As a result, those in close proximity to them often feel pressured to remain vigilant to this person’s mood swings so they can mirror their energy and behavior accordingly. They school their features so they smile when this person smiles and share frowns when cued to do so. Playing along with this “Simon Says” type of charade is far more exhausting than authentic actions could ever be.
4. Being constantly contradictory in their actions.
When a person perpetually runs hot and cold, it makes everyone around them feel like they’re walking on ever-shifting sands. There’s no stability present, so people are left navigating unsteady terrain, never feeling solid and secure in their interactions with this person.
Their partner may be irritable with them at dinnertime, barely picking at their food, but then affectionate and seeking intimacy once they’re in bed. Or everything will seem fine between them, but then they start stomping around, slamming cupboards, and muttering under their breath.
Additionally, the moody person may get annoyed with “silly” questions, like being asked if the other person had done something wrong to upset them. After all, if they were upset, they would have said something, wouldn’t they?
5. Fixating on small grievances and blowing them out of proportion.
Perpetually moody people will often latch onto petty grievances that others wouldn’t give a second thought to, and allow them to ruin their day by fixating upon them. Something as simple as a barista spelling their name incorrectly on their coffee cup can send them into a downward spin in which they complain about being unimportant and unseen, and how the staff there are incompetent, and so on.
Another aspect of this fixation is the blame-shifting that inevitably accompanies it. Instead of acknowledging the role they’re playing in their own bad day scenario by choosing to dwell on this perceived wrongdoing, they place the blame solely on the one they feel has wronged them. After all, if that person hadn’t done that thing, their day would have been perfect. It’s all their fault.
As you can imagine, those close to them remain hypervigilant just in case they end up being the trigger for this person’s rage at any given moment.
6. Expecting others to regulate their emotions for them.
While it’s natural and healthy to seek support when you’re struggling mentally, moody people will often rely solely on others to manage their mood, without attempting any healthy independent emotion regulation strategies. They’ll immediately turn to others, and it never occurs to them that this behavior may be draining or damaging to the ones they’re approaching. All that matters to them is that they feel so much better after interacting with these individuals.
The moody person in question will dump their emotional issues onto others without asking whether they have the bandwidth to handle it, then expect to be reassured or given a pep talk to brighten their mood. Once they’re sufficiently bolstered and effervescent once again, they’ll scamper off to do something else, leaving their on-demand cheerleader feeling flattened and grey.
7. Perpetually failing to recognize the good others have done for them.
This behavior, whether intentional or unintentional, makes those around them feel terribly used and taken for granted. The individual’s friends, partner, and family members may be pouring a ton of positive energy towards them in the form of kind actions, goodwill, etc., yet the Grumpy Gus can’t seem to recognize any of it. These moody individuals are essentially bad-tempered black holes that absorb all of this positivity without acknowledging it or offering it back in turn.
Even worse, while taking all of this goodwill for granted, they’ll lash out at the very people who are showing them such kindness. They may throw these kindnesses in their loved ones’ faces, implying that they’re insincere or just trying to be manipulative instead of recognizing their generosity and taking action to reciprocate whenever they can to keep the relationship healthy and balanced.
8. Stonewalling.
Some psychologists believe that moodiness is a type of controlling behavior, in that the moody person expects those around them to cater to them and adapt to their wants and emotional demands whenever they like. A perfect example of this is stonewalling, in which the individual in question will shut down or disengage completely with whatever they don’t want to deal with.
If they don’t get what they want (or they don’t want to “cave in” to another’s requests), they’ll either offer the silent treatment or avoid the topic entirely until the other person finally gives up and lets them do whatever they want. Over time, they’ll use this technique whenever things aren’t going their way, since they’ve found it to be an effective way to turn tides in their favor.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to note that there’s a huge difference between a person who has difficulty regulating their emotions due to things like trauma, neurodivergence, chronic illness, perimenopause, or mental health conditions such as bipolar, borderline, or post-traumatic stress disorder, and someone who uses their moods as a tool to be manipulative and controlling, whether they are consciously aware of it or not.
There’s also a huge difference between someone who is willing to reflect on their behavior, whatever the cause, in order to challenge it, and someone who prefers to bury their head in the sand or who knows there is a problem but isn’t willing to put in the effort required to improve.
