When you have a deeply ingrained negative self-image, it influences practically everything in your day-to-day life.
From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed, your inner narrative is one of self-cruelty and condemnation. Every action has a criticism associated with it, even when there’s no justification for it.
You don’t have to remain permanently trapped by this negative self-image, however. There are ways to rewrite it so you can think more positively and kindly about yourself as you move forward. Here are 8 ways that can help you do exactly that.
1. Learn to identify whose voice it is when you think negatively about yourself.
If you have a deeply ingrained negative self-image, that didn’t develop in a vacuum. You didn’t emerge from the womb hating yourself or thinking that you’re a loser whom nobody wants as a friend or partner.
Just about every negative thought you have about yourself came from somewhere — usually from other people who said awful things about you over the years.
The next time you think negatively about yourself, try to analyze whose voice it is, and when you were first subjected to that cruelty. Was it a parent? A teacher? One of your partners? Or someone you thought was a friend, but who ended up turning on you?
Once you’ve pinpointed the voice that’s being unkind to you, try to draw back to see the situation in its entirety. What factors might have influenced their cruel behavior (that are more about them than you)?
By doing that, you can remove yourself from the firsthand, emotional response you have to it and remain analytical. Understanding why someone behaved badly towards you works wonders for taking the sting out of their words and actions.
2. Ask your loved ones to tell you things they admire about you.
One of the most effective ways to rewrite a deeply ingrained negative self-image is to literally overwrite it with positive things. Think of it like recording over an old tape or DVD of your weird cousin’s wedding with some of your favorite TV shows.
A great way to do this is to tell those who love and respect you that you’d really appreciate it if they told you what they love and admire about you.
Make sure you choose individuals who view you through lenses that aren’t biased by whatever cruelties you were subjected to when you were younger. Those who see you as you are now, and who love and appreciate you because of that.
Let their kind words overwrite whatever the jerks from your past said to cut you down.
A small word of caution here: you want to use this as a stepping stone rather than a crutch. The goal is to gradually internalize these truths about yourself, not to become dependent on others to remind you of them every time self-doubt creeps in.
3. Write your own eulogy from the perspective of someone who loves you.
This one may sound a bit morbid, but it’s actually really effective for many people. My class did this as a writing exercise in 10th grade, and it made all of us think quite differently about ourselves. However, if this exercise feels distressing rather than helpful in your particular situation, skip it.
Imagine that you’ve died, and someone who loves you has written your eulogy or obituary.
The one who wrote it isn’t fixated on all the flaws you perceive about yourself, but is instead writing about all the wonderful things they — and others — loved about you. They’re focusing on your greatest traits, kind things you’ve done, things you’ve achieved, and so on.
When you take an impartial observer’s perspective on you as a person, and focus on the positive things that they’d see in you, you’ll realize just how cruel you are to yourself on a daily basis, and how needless and harmful that behavior can be to you.
4. Aim for neutrality rather than forced positivity.
For some people, replacing a negative self-image with a positive one is going to be too big an ask, and it can border on toxic positivity. It will feel performative because it’s essentially trying to force people to feel and express positive things that currently feel inauthentic.
This can be incredibly difficult for a person who has spent years — even decades — thinking horribly about themselves.
Self-image doesn’t change on a dime like that, and can result in a knee-jerk lurch back into even deeper negativity. In these instances, focusing on neutrality is much more reasonable and attainable.
For example, let’s say you’ve had a terribly negative self-image about your body. Instead of deciding to love and celebrate it, aim for neutral acceptance. You have a body. It allows you to experience this world, hug your loved ones, play with your pets, and enjoy your favorite beverages.
It is neither good nor bad, nor does it define your value as a human being: it simply is. And that’s enough.
5. Write down everything you’re proud of having achieved, and everything you like about yourself.
When you’re feeling down about yourself, chances are that you spiral with the belief that you’ve never done anything good. That you’re terrible at everything, you never succeed at anything you try, etc.
But life is rarely, if ever, this absolute. It’s a cognitive distortion known as all-or-nothing thinking, and while it serves a purpose in helping us make quick categorizations, it can become very unhealthy when it comes to our self-image.
The best way to counteract this distortion is with facts. As such, grab a fancy notebook and pen (or lay out a cool, color-coded spreadsheet) and write out a list of everything you’re proud of having achieved over the years, from Kindergarten onward.
Did you bake amazing cookies the first time you tried? Got a date with someone you really liked? Did a great job on a work assignment? Rode a rollercoaster without yarfing? Rescued a pet?
Write down every single success and proud moment, regardless of how seemingly irrelevant it is. Before long, you’ll see just how many things you have done well over the course of your life so far.
6. Use CBT techniques.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) offers a wide variety of techniques that can help you rewrite a deeply ingrained negative self-image.
One of them in particular is the three-C approach: Catch, Check, and Change. This technique is ideal for reframing negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself that are rooted in cruelty rather than truth.
For example, if you think that you’re somehow unlovable and everyone hates you, catch that feeling by writing it down on paper.
Then check it by looking for objective evidence about it. Are there any solid details that support this perception? How about facts that blatantly disprove it? Write down the names of friends, family members, and other people who have shown you that they care about you deeply.
After that, you can work to change that thought based on the evidence you have in front of you. Consider using an affirmation such as: “I am still a work in progress, and I have many people in my life who care about me for who I am” to help you.
7. Create a list of small goals that you’d like to achieve.
A great way to rewrite a negative self-image is to prove to yourself what you’re capable of by attaining small goals. Every time you achieve one, you’ll feel an immense boost of self-confidence, which will encourage you to continue in that vein.
Choose things that you enjoy so you have motivation to dive into them, and make the first goals on your list very small and attainable.
When I’ve used this approach, I did things such as learning a new knitting technique that I could use for a tiny project like a washcloth or learning 10 words in a new language.
I chose things that could be achieved in a day, resulting in a happy little burst of dopamine and greater self-confidence for tackling the next item on the list.
8. Make a conscious effort to leave the past in the past.
We are all products of our upbringing, and the things we have experienced in the past have all contributed to the people we are now.
Cruel things that others have said to us made lasting impressions on how we see ourselves, even if we’ve changed exponentially since they said those things.
It’s important to acknowledge that the people who were awful to you in the past were battling their own demons, so what they said was a reflection of what was going on within them, rather than anything about you.
As such, whenever those difficult memories arise, make a conscious decision to leave that experience in the past.
Remind yourself that you aren’t there anymore. You aren’t that person anymore, and hopefully neither are they, so do everything you can to not let their words affect who you are here and now. If you have significant or complex trauma, this might be too difficult to do alone, and I would definitely encourage you to seek out a trauma-informed therapist.
Final thoughts…
Most of the negative narratives you have about yourself are based on feelings rather than facts, usually stemming from someone else’s insecurity, unkindness, or hurt.
A phrase said in anger years ago might have altered your perspectives about yourself, but that shift doesn’t have to be permanent.
You can change it the same way that you can change a garden: by raking over old areas with fresh soil, and planting beautiful new flowers and trees to nurture that will thrive in their place.
And if doing the work is proving more than you can manage alone, that’s perfectly ok. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support if you need it.
