Listen carefully…
Can you hear the call of that ‘good friend’ who needs you to defend or support them again? Quick, grab your key and head over!
I’m kidding, of course.
I want you to actually stop this time around and consider what it means to go and yet again be there for someone when you consistently neglect yourself.
If you find it easy to stand up for everyone except you, these 7 psychological insights will finally explain it.
So put your keys down, and put the kettle on instead.
1. You were taught that your needs come in below everyone else’s.
Objectively, you might have had the perfect childhood on paper. Perhaps you got into the good school, had healthy meals on the table, and a very nice roof over your head.
Does that mean all your needs were met?
I’m experienced in this, and my answer is no. Not necessarily. It is very possible to have been neglected while everyone else envied your family from the outside.
Emotional neglect in childhood comes in many forms, and it often leads kids to shrink themselves – their needs, wants, and voice – just to keep the peace. They learn to push what they want and need to the bottom of the pile, often without even realizing they’re doing it.
“I must make dad happy.” And so, you do what it takes for that to happen.
Over time, psychology teaches us that this can result in you putting everyone before you whenever you get the chance, and that includes standing up for them, but not yourself.
Every effect has a cause, and this is no different.
2. You’ve established your identity around supporting others.
Ooh, you don’t want to go risking the role you’re infamously known for, do you?
When you’ve built up who you are to be someone who sticks by and supports everyone else, people will know exactly who to go to for advice or advocacy.
“I’ll call Ali. She will defend me.”
Whoa there. If you’ve robbed a bank and pushed a pensioner over on your way out the door, I’m not going to defend you.
That’s my point though. There are clear boundaries on what we should be willing to support (and for me, it was probably way before that bank robbery).
If you build up an identity on supporting others no matter how wrongly they steer their life, you’re not standing up for what you necessarily believe in.
It all boils down to self-worth.
You see worth in others even when they’re doing wrong, which is admirable. But why can’t you see the worth in yourself? Why can’t you stand up for yourself and do what’s right for you?
You were not born a people pleaser. You adopted the role over time, likely as a protective mechanism. But it doesn’t have to be your whole identity. The people who are worth having in your life will be happy for you to let that role go. And the ones who aren’t only want you for what you can do for them anyway.
3. You think any conflict feels more like danger rather than communication.
I love this piece of social psychology research: “Conflict is bad (except when it’s not).” It’s so true!
I know it seems like a contradiction, but it’s essentially how we disagree that is the problem, not that we disagree in the first place.
But if your past has taught you to fear conflict, then you might go along with someone or something you know is wrong, because challenging them feels too threatening. So you nod and agree, and don’t say what you really want to say.
You avoid confrontation, but ultimately, you lose respect for yourself, because you betray your own values. And that loss of respect only makes it harder to speak up next time.
4. You lived under the trick of conditional love, and now it’s all you know.
Those who grew up only receiving love when it suited their parent(s) or if they did something their parent(s) liked often grow up to believe that conditional love is the only love that exists.
“I will love you if…”
“I will only reward you when you…”
And if those conditions weren’t met, forget any affection.
As a result, it may be all you know now, and so you treat the people you know as if receiving love is a transaction, ready to be handed to you when you do something they appreciate.
Developmental psychology research shows that those who experience conditional love growing up have vulnerable self-esteem and lack self-compassion. It’s understandable then that they don’t think they are worth standing up for, but constantly strive to support others.
It’s heartbreaking to admit, but if you’re choosing to stand up for others whilst neglecting your own needs, it’s worth considering whether you are doing it because you want them to reward you with love or praise.
5. You feel happier addressing external issues rather than tapping into your own internal needs.
I see it, I want to fix it.
Sound like you?
People who love to fix other people’s problems often love the idea of being validated, even if they don’t openly admit that.
The intentions are good. You want to help. You want to be able to stand by someone’s side and have their back; fight their corner.
But when you’re rescuing everyone else, who is rescuing you?
In the psychology world, it’s known as “white knight syndrome” or having a fixer or savior mentality. And whilst there are many reasons you might adopt it, one of them is to avoid dealing with your own life and problems.
The question is, why might you be so cautious to step into your own needs and address them?
It might be because your own needs, problems, or emotions feel overwhelming, unfamiliar, or even frightening. Especially if you were never taught how to tend to them, but were expected to tend to everyone else’s.
6. You don’t want to be viewed as uncaring or difficult.
You don’t want to be seen as difficult, so you comply and stay quiet about your own needs. But you don’t want to seem as though you don’t care, so you stand up and speak if it helps someone else.
You may have spent your whole life bouncing from one person who wanted your support or loyalty to the next, but who never necessarily wanted you.
It’s tough to admit this, but it helps to know that it’s because you’ve been surrounded by the wrong kinds of people.
When you’re more concerned with how others see you than your own wellbeing, knowing why that is, is key.
What is it about letting people see the real you that feels like a rejection? Because that’s what this is all about: fear of being rejected.
And that fear of rejection can come from many places. For example, it can stem from being raised with conditional love as we’ve already mentioned, or from being mocked or told you were “too much” or “too sensitive.”
It can also be heavily gendered, with women being more likely to fall prey to it because we are raised to believe that ‘good girls’ don’t make a fuss.
Essentially, you want to be seen as low-maintenance and agreeable because that way people will like you, but is it really worth it if it’s not actually you they like?
7. You’ve spent so long denying your needs that you don’t know what they are anymore.
When you deny your own needs enough, you are essentially abandoning yourself and losing touch with who you truly are.
What’s more, abandoning yourself erodes your sense of worth and self-esteem, which only makes it harder to speak up for yourself next time. It’s a hard cycle to break, especially when all your focus is on making sure everyone else, but you, is okay.
You are allowed to cater to your own needs, but it’s possible that you don’t even know what those needs are anymore. You’ve been running on empty for so long that you’ve forgotten what a full tank even feels like.
Denying your needs is what your nervous system learned to do to stay safe, but now it’s holding you back from making the changes you need to make.
Slowly and gently, it’s time to challenge your nervous system and rediscover what it is that you want and need. You can learn to embrace authenticity, and the real you is worth fighting for.
Final thoughts…
When there is nobody else around to advocate for or defend, would you advocate for or defend yourself then?
I’d hope you would stand up for yourself long before that, but the ability to do so must come from the belief that you’re worth it in the first place.
To be the person who is always there for everyone else but never themselves is quite a lonely path to walk down, and it won’t get better unless you start seeing how important you are.
Instead of jumping to answer that call from your friend who needs you, isn’t it time to answer the call from within?
