If you feel you must walk on eggshells at home, start recognizing these 8 red flags for what they are
You can’t recall the last time you walked in your house with your feet flat on the floor, as you’ve been so used to tiptoeing around to navigate between each room. It wasn’t something directly asked of you, yet there you are, feeling as if you don’t have a choice in the matter.
The reason isn’t that there’s shattered glass everywhere and you need to be careful; it’s because of the person you live with.
If you tread carefully, you stand less of a chance of setting off fireworks and creating the kind of thick atmosphere that suffocates you in your own home.
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s high time you recognize these 8 red flags for what they are.
Don’t ever ignore them.
1. Inconsistent moods.
I know we all have good and bad days (I certainly do). What I don’t do is create the kind of house where whoever I live with has to try to pre-empt my mood, and always expect the unexpected. When I am in a slightly miffed mood, it doesn’t pour down and change the dynamic of the entire house.
An inconsistent mood is one that changes at the flick of a switch. What makes them happy one day riles them the next. You cook their favorite dinner, and they enjoy it; but they despise it the next week.
People living in these circumstances can start to base their entire life around those who blow hot and cold, and let me tell you from experience, it is exhausting.
When a mood transitions that rapidly, it can leave you doubting your own reality. “Did I imagine the warmth yesterday?” “Am I being sensitive, or are they just in a bad mood?”
When you’re gaslighted enough by someone else, you learn to gaslight yourself.
The worst part of living alongside such inconsistent moods is that you desperately want to be able to balance them out by pacifying the person as much as you can.
But you can’t. Because you’re not in control; they are.
2. The silent treatment.
Nothing provokes an overthinking spiral quite like the silent treatment.
What’s he thinking?
Why is she quiet with me and okay with everyone else?
What did I do?
When did this change?
What can I say to make it better?
You’re second-guessing everything, gaining no knowledge back in return, and that’s the point of silent treatment.
The stark quiet leaves you wide open, guessing to interpret the cause, and it almost always results in an apology that you feel you have to make.
The red flag speaks for itself, and when used deliberately, it is a form of emotional abuse or manipulation that leaves you pacing around, not wanting to make matters worse. Only you may have no idea what the matter actually is.
Does that sound familiar? If so, you may also be familiar with the nausea and anxiety that comes with the silent treatment, as you wonder what will happen next.
Will it lead to an outburst, or will it lead to a ripple of calm?
You have no idea, and no control over that outcome. And that’s the whole point.
3. Slamming and banging of furniture and doors.
Few things say intimidation quite like a person who purposely uses furniture to dominate the mood of the house.
Whether the person doing the slamming realizes it or not, it sends the message of, “I’m not happy, but instead of having an adult conversation, I’m going to make you feel on edge about it.”
Sometimes it’s an intentional form of control. They know what they’re doing, and they know how it can make the other person feel. Other times, it stems from a lack of emotion regulation skills.
But either way, the impact should not be yours to absorb.
If you find yourself taking a precarious step away from the person you live with because they’ve come home from work and slammed the door, I’d say it’s definitely something to be concerned about in the long run.
Nobody should have to accept that kind of relationship, whatever the underlying reason.
4. Your partner picks bedtime to start the latest round of conflict.
Believe it or not, I would give this red flag its own dedicated article, and I don’t say that lightly.
Bedtime is the time we’re winding down. We’ve had a long day, maybe we have an important meeting tomorrow, and we can’t wait to get to bed and rest in between.
If your partner consistently picks fights as you’ve got into bed, it’s a worrying sign about how little they care about your rest and wellbeing.
What’s more, when it happens often enough, it puts you into a state of hypervigilance right when your nervous system needs to wind down. You can’t relax when you most need to, because you need to stay on high alert, treading carefully, just to keep everything calm.
Should anyone have to go to sleep that way?
I think you already know the answer.
5. Hearing constant criticism about how you don’t do things round the house their way.
All you want is a happy home. Is that too much to ask for?
“Why do you never put the bread board back properly?”
“How come you twist the bread bag instead of using the little sticker?”
You were unaware these were life-or-death, ‘my way or the highway’ acts, yet here you are yet again, having the lecture about how nothing you do is right.
You try to keep the peace by doing things their way, but it’s still somehow not right.
I’ve been the person on the receiving end before, and I understand that you just want to be a good partner, but it’s no use even trying. When someone is using criticism solely to belittle and control you, you will constantly fall short in their eyes, because the goalposts always move.
Don’t buy into creeping around your own house trying to be perfect. Because I guarantee the person you’re living with is far from it themselves.
6. Being blamed for things you didn’t do.
“Did you break my coffee cup?” “Did you eat the last chocolate bar?” “Why do you keep moving my keys?”
Mistakes happen, I get that. I’m talking more about constantly being blamed by your partner for things you didn’t do, just because it’s easier to blame and gaslight you than admit fault themselves.
To be blamed for things you didn’t do is sometimes a form of projection, and it’s often used by people who have a fragile sense of self-worth. Their ego takes over, and suddenly you’re the bad guy, even though you went nowhere near their coffee mug, and you haven’t eaten any chocolate for weeks.
But over time, to avoid confrontation, you may respond as if you did, and you may even begin to believe what you’re told. You tiptoe, believing that the less attention you draw to yourself, the less likely you’ll be blamed in the future. But unfortunately, that’s not how it works in toxic relationships.
7. Your partner refuses to apologize when they are in the wrong, and instead makes you feel guilty for expecting an apology.
A refusal to apologize shows a real lack of accountability, and it’s a very immature way to handle difficult situations.
As soon as you ask for an apology for a behavior or act that wasn’t acceptable, you’re met with someone who finds it impossible to self-reflect.
Instead of an apology, you hear, “Well, I wouldn’t have said it if you hadn’t…”, or, “Why do you never let things go?”
Before you know it, you’re saying, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have accosted you like this; you’re right. I feel bad now.”
This is known as blame-shifting, and in relationships it can be a subtle form of emotional abuse, because you lose the power, and guess who gets it?
8. You’re asked to watch what you spend from the joint account (but they have no such limits).
Financial abuse is so overlooked, yet when you’re constantly asked to watch what you’re spending while your partner gets the freedom to withdraw cash and make luxurious purchases, you need to know that something is wrong.
The whole idea of a joint account is that you both use the money when you need to, and there can be no secrets when statements and balances are accessible to you both.
So why is it that you have to ask permission to buy essentials, while your partner gets to order takeout for themselves at work every other day?
Before you know it, you’re being consciously careful of what you wear, any new products you buy that you need, or even the new plates you bought, as you’re afraid of the inevitable fallout.
Seeing that as the red flag it is, is a step toward understanding the dynamic you’re trapped in.
Final thoughts…
The dictionary definition of a red flag is: A flag used as a sign of danger. A sign that something bad is happening or could happen.
My question then, is why do so many people ignore them in relationships? Is it because people refuse to look at reality, and instead focus on the fantasy story they’re telling themselves? Is it because they hold onto hope and wait for the danger to pass? Is it because they don’t believe they can get or deserve better?
I’d say all of the above, and that’s what keeps people stuck in situations when they deserve so much more.
It’s time we all saw these red flags for what they are: a warning sign for less-than-savory relationships.
