The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive, manipulative tactic used to control a situation. That may seem like a bold statement, but it’s become so normalized that many people don’t see it for what it is. We even joke about it. “Oh, the wife’s not talkin’ to me!” As if not communicating is cute, funny, or healthy at all?
On the other hand, some people do know better, and they do it anyway. That’s where the big problem is, because every time you give someone the silent treatment, you’re actually speaking some or all of these things loud and clear.
1. “I’m punishing you, so figure out what you did wrong.”
Johns Hopkins University shares that communication and honesty make happy, healthy relationships work. It’s only through communication that we know when we did something wrong or may be pushing against a boundary. The person who is on the receiving end of that needs to speak up and let it be known what the problem is, so the problem can be addressed.
The silent treatment is not about finding common ground or resolving a problem. It’s about control. The person giving the treatment is controlling the conversation and attempting to influence their partner’s emotions, often for the worst. You should want to know why the other person is mad so you can fix it!
But when giving the silent treatment, you’re instead communicating that you just want this person to be in pain and suffering, too. That’s how they hear it, at least. Every time you dish out the silent treatment, it breaks the trust a little bit more and more until it’s gone.
2. “I have all the power, and you have none.”
Way too many people view their relationships from an adversarial perspective. They think they are in competition with their partner, so they treat them like an enemy to be defeated rather than a friend and ally. The silent treatment is a power move, and as Medical News Today informs us, a form of emotional abuse because it’s often done with cruelty and control in mind.
In a respectful relationship, there should not be that discrepancy in power. Your partner should be equal and an ally. They should be someone with whom you confront problems, rather than have problems with. That is, when an issue does come up, the two of you can sit down, talk about it, and find a solution that works for both of you.
That’s where compromise comes in. Both parties may need to sacrifice a little to meet one another in the middle.
3. “You don’t matter enough for me to acknowledge your pain.”
The silent treatment mostly stings because the person doing it is someone you presumably care about in some way. Maybe they are a family member, a romantic partner, or just a friend. By giving someone the silent treatment, you’re essentially saying that you inflicting pain on them is more important than acknowledging their pain.
For example, I once had an argument with a previous romantic partner who did not have the healthiest of communication skills, and if I’m being entirely honest, neither did I. The silent treatment she gave me was, “I guess if you can’t figure it out, then maybe we just shouldn’t be together!” And then she stormed off to be by herself.
I may not have gotten things perfect in that relationship, or others for that matter, but what I’ve never done is hang the potential of a breakup over my partner’s head. That feels awful, because I wanted her to be happy, safe, and peaceful, but I couldn’t do that because I didn’t know exactly what was wrong. Turns out, a lot of things were wrong, things we didn’t communicate until the relationship was dead because we were both way too stubborn and traumatized.
4. “Your emotions don’t matter, only mine do.”
Your relationships will change massively once you realize you can hold multiple emotions at the same time and not let your emotions drive your actions. What do I mean? Well, people handle anger and disputes in relationships in a variety of healthy and unhealthy ways. But you can be mad at someone and still be their partner.
I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve seen people do things like ignore their partner’s needs, not answer the phone or text, or fail to help their partner, just because they were mad at them. Showing your partner basic kindness and respect doesn’t erase that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Not picking up the phone, essentially the silent treatment, is communicating that your partner’s feelings and needs are less important than your hurt feelings.
Granted, sometimes those hurts are severe or too difficult. But what if your partner needs you for another reason? Or needs support with something else that they’re dealing with? It reminds me of an old comic I saw once upon a time. It was an elderly couple sitting on a bench, both mad at each other, turned away from one another. But it was raining, and the little old man was holding an umbrella over his wife even though he was mad. That’s healthy love.
5. “I would rather avoid the issue instead of trying to work on it with you.”
Avoidance doesn’t help anyone, and it drives a quiet wedge into the relationship between partners. That can be especially damaging when someone uses the silent treatment for a little while, and then just moves on without actually addressing the issue.
To call back to a stereotype in heterosexual relationships, the man would anger his wife; he “would be in the dog house for a few days,” she wouldn’t talk to him for a couple of days, and then they’d just move on.
That’s incredibly unhealthy because you can’t bury severe issues. They need to be addressed openly so the two of you can work on it together. By using the silent treatment, you’re essentially burying it and ignoring it, where it will continue to fester until finally it explodes in such a way that it cannot be ignored.
6. “Our relationship is not a safe place to be honest.”
Your relationship starts to die when you stop talking. There’s no more direct way to say it. You must have a foundation of honesty if you want to have a safe, intimate relationship. Silence is not safe for the people in the relationship. Instead, it communicates that you don’t want to hear things that may upset you.
So, if you’re upset enough to go silent, your partner starts to think: why even bring the problem up? You’re going to get mad, go silent, and that will fester as an argument until it passes or explodes. The result is that resentment stacks up and creates an even more volatile situation. It forces your partner to be distant to keep the peace. You can’t have intimacy with emotional distance. It doesn’t work that way.
Final thoughts…
The silent treatment is such a trope that you can find it interwoven throughout our culture. Calling back to “Oh, I’m in the dog house! Guess I’m sleeping on the couch tonight!” – it was made into a joke. It encouraged toxicity by normalizing not communicating or caring enough about your partner to talk things out.
The silent treatment destroys trust and safety. Once that’s gone, intimacy follows. Once intimacy is gone, well then you’re just glorified roommates. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some space to talk about something later after you’ve calmed down, but make sure you communicate that need, and go back later and address it.
