If you don’t spot these 8 patterns in your otherwise healthy relationship, you risk letting a good thing slip away
The one who got away.
Do you have one person in your life who you let go of that you could’ve held onto if you’d done things differently? Or maybe you’re lucky enough to still have them, but they’re slowly slipping away without you realizing.
It can be frighteningly easy for otherwise healthy relationships to fall apart when the following patterns settle in. If you don’t spot them now, you will have a “one that got away” someday, but by then, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.
8 common relationship patterns that risk letting a good thing slip away:
1. Living together, yet apart.
Parallel lives, show of hands, anyone? I think there are a lot of couples out there who have fallen into the trap of living together, sharing bills and space, with nothing much else going on in their relationship.
Everything starts so well, and you enter the relationship with love, appreciation, and desire for your partner, until one day, you are just two people who cohabit.
What happened? Where did the conscious love and intimacy go? And I don’t just mean physical intimacy; I mean actively participating in a relationship with care and a dash of nurture. It fades because you let it, or because you constantly prioritize other things.
This is how good things end up slipping away. Living together, yet leading completely separate lives doesn’t have a happy ending, no matter how much you try to normalize it.
2. Only communicating out of necessity, not pleasure.
There is contentment in quiet companionship, sure, but not in deafening silence. It’s okay to be together and enjoy fragments of peace during these ever-stressful, busy lives we lead. But when that grows into hours and days of no communication, those days will soon become the flavor of your relationship.
Then something crops up that you need to discuss. Something’s wrong, and it’s your mutual job to fix it. A problem with the kitchen sink, or an oil leak in the car. The road to work is closed, so you need to find an alternative. You’re out of milk. A storm is coming.
Let me tell you, a storm really is coming for both of you if this is the only type of conversation that fills your days.
Good relationships are built on speaking for pleasure, not just necessity. Don’t let yours crumble because you’ve forgotten how to do the former.
3. Not giving the little niggles the conversation they deserve.
Nothing detaches a person from a relationship quicker than letting the small irks fester. This isn’t about choosing not to nitpick, but about not caring enough to fight (reasonably) for a fairer relationship.
Sometimes it comes from a place of conflict avoidance, and that’s understandable, but it won’t serve you well in the long run.
You give up because you want to keep the peace or you think it’s not worth the argument, when in reality, the relationship you’ve got and built is what’s at stake. Isn’t that worth it?
When you don’t take or make opportunities to talk it over and heal those small irritations, you’re leaving them open to much wider damage: resentment.
And resentment is much harder to fix than what was originally a pinprick.
If you have a healthy thing going on, don’t let the rot set in.
4. Withholding takes over from vulnerability.
Let’s pause to look at a few different types of vulnerabilities that I could be referring to. First up, there are any insecurities or fears you have that you might want to express. Then there’s feeling sad or being hurt by your spouse, even if it’s unintentional. Then there’s asking for help.
They’re all big, right?
Each one involves you dropping your guard and asking your spouse to share that moment with you. It can be beautiful! It’s a time to build trust and intimacy, not to mention feeling safe (a personal favorite of mine).
When that vulnerability is swapped in for “Sure, okay,” “No, I’m fine,” “I don’t have anything I want to talk about,” that’s where trouble brews.
A good thing shouldn’t be lost because you’re too polite or afraid to go there. Vulnerability is scary when you risk getting hurt or revealing a wounded part of yourself, but it’s worth it to keep a relationship healthy.
If you notice yourself regularly holding back your true thoughts or feelings, it might be time to ask why that is.
5. No longer pursuing each other because you’ve adapted to the familiarity.
“How was your day?” “Do you want to get coffee in the morning?” “You look beautiful.”
I know, I know. “Find me someone who says these things,” I hear you say. But the truth is, they’re out there.
Couples get coffee and check in with each other. They compliment and enquire. It’s hard to believe when you’re in a relationship that has succumbed to the familiarity of day-to-day life, but it’s true.
One of the worst patterns you can fall into in a relationship is a lack of intentional effort. It only leads to disconnection and despair.
It can seem like a little thing not to find time, energy, or love for your spouse every day, but when those moments build up to weeks, months, and years of not doing so, there can’t really be a good outcome, can there?
6. Assuming your partner knows how you feel rather than telling them.
“We’ve been together for twelve years; you should know me by now!”
The problem with this is – well – so much. For starters, people change over time. I used to be more impatient than I am now, and I used to be more bothered about what people think of me. I’ve changed, and so have you and your partner.
What’s more, we make assumptions based largely on our own experiences. What we’ve been through in life, how our day has unfolded so far, and what hormones are currently surging through our bodies. They all influence how we interpret another person’s feelings and behavior.
Assuming your partner knows how you feel will lead to you feeling frustrated when they get it wrong, and them feeling inadequate when they land incorrectly.
There’s nothing wrong with feelings, and speaking what’s on your mind has the potential to lead to so many beautiful or even ‘good to know’ conversations that help you grow together.
7. Conversations that only revolve around practicalities.
Who takes the trash out.
Who fixes the sunroof.
Who drives the kids to school tomorrow.
Who gets the groceries on the weekend.
Sure, those things all need taking care of, but are we in a relationship, or are we watching paint dry?
There’s more to your relationship than this, surely. There is a reason why you fell in love and got together, and it wasn’t to spend your lives discussing logistics, right?
If it’s getting to the point where all you do is work out who is doing what and when, then perhaps you need to pause and do something different – something fun – together.
Take the day off, or if you can’t do that, play some board games together in the evening rather than sitting side-by-side, scrolling together in silence while Netflix asks you if you’re still watching whatever show you’re not watching.
If it sounds like I’m speaking from experience, it’s because I am.
8. Loving so much about them, but staying silent about it.
Listen, I think we can all appreciate a nice, safe, loyal, and loving partner. In this day and age, all many of us want is to know we’re loved and in a solid relationship. We don’t want to have to guess or wonder. We don’t want to have to dig for reassurance. We do not want to feel unappreciated.
So why is it then that couples in their droves break up because they get to a point where they just aren’t getting that feeling from their partner?
Equally, why are people not speaking up about how lucky they are?
You don’t need to greet your partner every morning with a goofy grin telling them, “Morning, I’m so lucky.” But you can say, “You’re so thoughtful,” “You really are lovely,” if words are their love language.
Or if they prefer to receive love a different way, you can show your appreciation with flowers, take them out for lunch, or give them a massage. The possibilities are endless.
If it feels nice to hear it, imagine how nice it would be to say or show it. It works both ways, and it should. Don’t wait for them to start; get the ball rolling yourself and see what happens.
Final thoughts…
These patterns crop up, even in otherwise healthy relationships. They creep in like they own the place, and they change the dynamic of a strong bond; so why is it that couples allow it?
I don’t think they necessarily mean to; it just happens. Time, a little complacency, and the assumption that because you’re happy, you don’t have to do any work to keep it that way.
You do.
Knowing these patterns will make that work much easier, and the outcome much better. If you can be a step ahead, neither of you will need to step away.
