It’s easy to make your partner feel loved and appreciated when things are going well.
When you’re both in a good mood and there isn’t anything causing undue stress in your lives, then the path is clear for plenty of affection and reassurance that your love for them is fierce and strong.
When you go through difficult patches, however, it’s more difficult to do all of these things. Without them, partners can feel insecure and unwanted, and this can make the relationship feel even more nebulous.
Here’s how to keep your relationship strong and steady, even during the times when your lives and love feel erratic.
1. Ensure your communication is clear and genuine.
There are few things that genuine communication can’t ameliorate. On the flip side, it’s easy to spiral into catastrophic thinking when you assume what the other person is thinking and feeling.
Clear communication dispels those assumptions. For example, if things have been turbulent, you may discover that it’s because insecurities coming from past relationship experiences are being projected onto the current one, rather than what’s actually unfolding between you.
You’ve probably heard it a million times, but communication is the most important thing in any relationship. And what’s even more important is sincere, honest communication.
Otherwise, one partner is speaking the truth, while the other is saying what they think needs to be heard in order to get back to what they want to be doing instead.
2. Do small acts of kindness even when you feel distant or tense.
Many people withdraw into their own heads when they’re feeling overwhelmed or tense, especially if they’re used to muscling through issues alone.
What often happens, however, is that after they emerge from their cocoons, they’ll realize that they alienated their loved ones so much by doing so that things are irreparable between them.
As such, even if you feel distant, do what you can to reassure your partner that your love is always dependable, even if it may feel turbulent at times.
A cup of coffee. Warming up their towels in the dryer so they’re toasty when they step out of the shower. Whatever works for the two of you, put that into practice, even when you aren’t feeling particularly close.
In my relationship, even when things are tense between us, or we’re going through other difficulties, we make sure we dispel that tension (or at least, don’t add to it) by still preparing hot drinks and snacks for one another.
By doing so, the effect is rather like putting a dampening blanket onto a grease fire in the kitchen: it quells the flames before they can grow and set the pantry ablaze.
These little gestures may seem insignificant, but they let your partner know just how much you care about them, even when things are strained.
3. Be aware of your own weak spots.
If you have a short temper or always have to have the last word, try to become aware of it and how it affects your partner, rather than living in denial or shirking responsibility for it.
There are many genuine reasons why someone might struggle with emotion regulation, but it is a skill we can all improve. We can’t improve what we won’t own, though.
If you can do the work, when your natural instinct arises and you know it’ll have a detrimental effect on your relationship, you can rein that in instead of causing potential damage while your partnership is feeling delicate.
As an example, when I was younger, I used to be very confrontational and wanted to immediately resolve things in my relationships so we could move past them quickly.
That’s not how everyone works, though. Sometimes my honest desire to fix something and move on put more pressure on my past relationships.
Now, my partner takes quite a long time to work through what she thinks and feels about experiences because she’s analytical rather than emotional.
As such, we meet in the middle where I give her space and time to work through her thoughts and feelings, and she adapts as best she can to my swifter responses.
4. Avoid anything that may cause lasting damage.
During times when things are erratic between you, both of you may feel inclined to lash out at one another.
This will not help the situation. It’s far easier to repair a bridge that never got burned.
So instead, it’s best to take a step back and let the storm pass. It’s sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do nothing, especially if you feel deeply wronged. But try to get a mental and emotional vantage point away from the drama and wait it out.
Once you feel calmer, you’ll appreciate not having acted on your impulses, because you might have caused severe damage by doing so.
Just because you feel a certain way in one moment doesn’t mean you’ll feel the same way the following day.
Avoid taking any action or saying anything that you may regret shortly afterwards, since you will not ever be able to take it back.
5. Come back to your foundation.
When your love feels erratic due to various life circumstances, return to the foundation upon which you built your relationship.
The two of you undoubtedly bonded over things together to begin with, and you likely kept doing those things over the course of your relationship or marriage.
This is the foundation you need to return to.
It might be a shared hobby that the two of you work on together, or a trip to the bookstore to get some new things that you can read side by side by the fire.
Whatever act it is, when you come back to one of your lodestones, there is a great sense of familiarity and togetherness that can calm even the fiercest of storms.
6. Remember that helping one another is more important than “winning.”
If you’re going through a rough patch, avoid the inclination to one-up one another for the sake of feeling like you’ve “won” a small victory. This will only intensify any distance or hard feelings between you.
Taking the high road may seem like an old-fashioned sentiment, but there is a deep pragmatism behind it. Namely, it involves sustaining a relationship rather than seeking to win in the short term, but destroy your relationship in the process.
Rather than putting another hole in your little tugboat of love, look into why you’re both acting the way you are. Treat one another with kindness, understanding, and compassion.
By hitting each other hard when you’re struggling and vulnerable, nobody wins. Even if one of you technically is “right,” there’s no need to be an asshole about it.
You can acknowledge that truth once you feel closer again.
7. Have anchors that you return to.
Having ritual anchors that you keep returning to can help to keep your relationship steady even when everything else around you is turbulent.
This can be as simple as attending spiritual services together or making popcorn and watching “your show” together every Friday night.
I know one couple that watches the Great British Bake-Off together every week. While they’re watching, they write down the recipes that interest them, and then they gather the ingredients needed to cook or bake those items.
When they hit a rough patch, this anchor behavior is something to return to in order to get things back on track. Furthermore, it’s often far more pleasant to work through personal difficulties when you’re sharing some cake while doing so.
8. Love them in a way that will make them feel loved.
The Silver Rule is to treat others the way they want to be treated, rather than how you’d prefer.
A person whose love language is words of affirmation may not feel loved if you buy them something sparkly, and vice versa. You may love hugs and intimacy, whereas they’re not as touchy.
As such, keep in mind how they feel cared for, seen, and respected, and do those things on a regular basis. What’s more, do these things especially if your interests differ greatly.
For example, if they’re really passionate about gardening whereas you have a black thumb, go out of your way to get them a new plant or a bouquet of flowers.
That way they can see that you’ve paid attention and that you’re expressing your love and support for them in a way they can actually receive it.
It doesn’t take a great deal of effort to make someone feel loved even when things seem erratic.
Final thoughts…
Although it would be great if our relationships were always on firm, solid ground, life doesn’t work out that way. There will always be ups and downs, including in our own emotional states.
We may not always feel deeply towards one another, and it may be difficult to express love and affection during that time.
In situations like these, being as honest, kind, and present as possible can keep the relationship strong and steady, reassuring one another that you can weather any storm together.
