Have you ever tried to give feedback to someone and they immediately perceived it as a personal attack?
It’s a challenge to navigate, particularly when you’re working with someone or you’re trying to help them.
Criticism doesn’t feel good for most people, but it can be harder when the other person can’t separate feedback from their personhood.
But as with most things, identifying this behavior and understanding the reasons behind it can make it much easier to deal with.
So, let’s look at some common traits of people who take feedback as a personal attack.
1. They’ve tied their identity to the object of criticism.
I am a working writer. I have written thousands of pieces for at least a hundred different people. As a working writer, I had to learn very quickly not to take criticism and feedback personally because editing is a normal part of the process.
Yes, I could sit down and pore over every single detail before I sent my final draft off, but that doesn’t mean the client or readers will like it.
I identify strongly as a writer, because it’s something I love to do. As such, early on, when I received critical feedback, I would take that personally because my craft was so linked to my identity.
I would jump to conclusions like, “Do you think I didn’t work hard on your project?” I had to learn that criticism of my work was not criticism of me as a person.
There are a lot of other identities where people make a similar connection.
For example, a parent might take offense at criticism of their parenting style, even when the criticism is valid, because parenting is so closely tied to personal identity.
In fact, many people have to give up facets of their personal identity to be a parent, like the artist who sets aside art to have that time for their kids. That makes it pretty all-consuming, and the feedback hits that much harder.
2. They focus on the tone of a message instead of the message.
Instead of focusing on the content of the message, people who take criticism personally often unconsciously change the subject or deflect to avoid the criticism they’re feeling.
They police the tone instead, so you may hear things like, “I don’t like the way you said that.”
And maybe the person giving the feedback was blunt or rude; maybe they weren’t. But the real question is, “How valid is this piece of criticism?”
Going back to my own experiences, I’ve received criticism in a variety of tones, some much more blunt than others. Sure, it would be great if people could give feedback in a way I prefer to receive it, but that’s an unrealistic expectation.
I had to learn not to focus on how the feedback was delivered, because tone doesn’t change whether feedback is valid or not. My personal feelings are irrelevant if the client isn’t happy with that piece of work.
Their tone isn’t going to change my writing. Only my editing will do that.
3. They have a hard time admitting when they’re wrong.
Admitting that you’re wrong is a harder thing than many realize.
You have to be pretty confident and secure in yourself to say, “Yes, I screwed that up. I’m sorry. How can I fix it?”
People who take criticism personally tend not to be genuinely secure in that way.
Just having the ability to admit that you screwed up requires you to be secure enough to know that admitting a mistake is a strength, not a weakness. People who can’t take criticism often fail to see that, but it is so liberating when you do.
Nowadays, I’m the kind of person who believes in radical responsibility for myself and my actions. And what I’ve learned from this is that it generates a lot of respect from other people.
They know that if I screw up, I’m not going to hide from it.
Not only that, but when other people have tried to lie and blame me for things that were their fault, like in the workplace, those who know me trust that I’m telling the truth, because they know I would not hesitate to admit when I was wrong.
4. They are constantly searching for hidden motives
In this person’s mind, feedback can’t just be feedback. They can’t accept that someone just didn’t like their work or that yes, they made a mistake.
Instead, it has to be some kind of conspiracy, or there has to be some ulterior motive buried within it.
Instead of, “Ok, I screwed up,” they may accuse the critic of being jealous, judgmental, hostile, or just disrespectful.
But there isn’t always an ulterior motive. Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people just don’t like what you did, for whatever reason.
As the saying goes, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
When that happens, you have to just let it roll off your back and keep moving forward.
5. They tend to cling to the feedback for a long time.
It could be weeks or months later when you’re talking to this individual, and you get a passive-aggressive comment about the feedback you gave.
Because they have personalized the feedback, it sticks longer in their head because they feel like they were being criticized. That is a hard thing to carry, because they are essentially wounding themselves with it.
In a healthy situation, you would just take the feedback, evaluate it, make changes, and then move on. But no, they dwell on it. They ruminate and think about it, turning it over and over, and often make it much worse for themselves by not letting it go.
6. They confuse accountability and feedback with humiliation.
Someone who takes criticism personally may feel as though feedback given is victimizing them.
They may feel embarrassed or humiliated, instead of just receiving the feedback as information to evaluate. They may feel as though the giver of the feedback is out to get them, perceiving them as an enemy.
But that’s a problematic way to feel, because other people are not always going to approve of what you do, and making mistakes is a perfectly normal and human thing to do.
Feedback doesn’t have to be an embarrassing situation. One can just accept the feedback, evaluate whether or not it’s valid, and then move on instead.
7. They may seek retribution against the feedback giver.
As I’ve already mentioned, people who take and hold onto feedback as a personal attack tend to convince themselves they have an enemy.
The other person may not even think twice about the feedback they gave, particularly if it’s part of their job. But the person who takes it personally will likely feel as though they need to defend themselves, and they may go on the offensive themselves.
Essentially, they are looking for some sort of revenge or retribution.
That may come in the form of passive-aggressive comments, undermining the other person, throwing out negative criticism of that person, or even arguments. They may grow cold or indifferent, lash out, or give the silent treatment.
8. They catastrophize small pieces of feedback.
People who take criticism personally tend to react strongly to even the most mild feedback.
In this person’s mind, feedback like, “You did this thing wrong” can easily explode into something much larger.
They may twist it to mean, “They are always criticizing and finding fault with what I do!” or “I can’t do anything right!” even when it’s not that serious.
We have the power to determine how seriously we take criticism. I once would have taken feedback badly, but now, if someone gives me negative feedback on a piece of work, I know it’s not a personal attack.
There’s just something with the work that they want fixed. That’s as complicated as it needs to be.
9. They don’t try to learn from their mistakes.
Wisdom is gained by screwing things up. I can safely say that I’ve learned far more from the mistakes I’ve made in life than the things that have gone well.
But to do that, a person needs to have a healthy understanding and relationship with failure. They need to understand that they are just a flawed human being. They’re going to make mistakes. Everyone does.
What’s most revealing isn’t whether a person has made a mistake; it’s what they do when they make mistakes.
Do they try to learn from them? Or do they shut down the feedback, ignore the critic, or go on the defensive?
It’s far more valuable to be able to ask, “What can I learn from this feedback? Is there any validity to it?” and to then take the appropriate action.
But it is worth keeping in mind that there may or may not be validity to it. Sometimes criticism is unfair. And going back to the peach quote, if it’s a situation where the person just doesn’t like peaches, then their feedback isn’t likely to be helpful.
No amount of feedback will turn a peach into an apple.
You still don’t need to take it personally, though.
Final thoughts…
There is so much power in having the ability to accept feedback. But unfortunately, not everyone is wired that way.
There are a lot of reasons that a person may take critical feedback personally, ranging from trauma to just not having a healthy self-esteem.
Stepping gently around these people can be a bit frustrating and require more diplomacy than normal, but it can be done.
I find that reinforcing why I’m giving the feedback helps. Something like, “I’m not attacking you; I’m saying that this needs to be fixed” can go a long way to softening the blow for them.
