Whereas many of the people you know have developed a significant amount of maturity and self-awareness over the years, emotionally immature people seem to have stagnated mentally around their early teen years. This type of arrested personal development means that when they feel wronged, they’ll take it upon themselves to get revenge for that perceived wrongdoing instead of addressing it like mature, stable adults.
The form that their revenge will take usually falls into one of the following categories, though it may change shape a bit depending on the individual.
1. The silent treatment.
Many of us have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment before, and we’ve all been irritated by how juvenile it is. This form of revenge is usually a person’s attempt to gain power and control over a situation: they refuse to communicate unless (or until) they want to do so, and seek to punish people by pretending they don’t exist until they deign to acknowledge them.
Not only is it immature, but in reality, the silent treatment is abusive and controlling, according to Psychology Today. It’s unhealthy and manipulative, and it can damage trust in any type of relationship.
Basically, it shows that the person who’s withholding communication is neither willing nor capable of working through difficulties as an equal, but is instead demanding that interactions happen solely on their terms.
2. Damaging personal property.
We often see news reports or posts on social media about people who have vindictively damaged their partner’s or children’s personal possessions as punishment for an act that upset or aggravated them. This is another abusive tactic used by emotionally immature people, and is generally used as a stand-in for physical abuse. Since they might get arrested for physical violence towards the object of their ire, they damage their property instead.
For example, a person might kick in their partner’s windshield as punishment for cheating (or even speaking to someone else), or a parent might destroy a child’s favorite toy if the kid misbehaved.
This behavior isn’t just juvenile: it’s theft and property damage, even if the one whose belongings are being destroyed is underage. Furthermore, it’ll damage (or destroy) trust between these people forever. Case in point: my parents sold all my books at a garage sale for getting Bs on my report card when I was 11, and I never trusted them again.
3. Withholding important information.
One of the most insidious ways that an emotionally immature person might seek revenge when “wronged” is to withhold important information from the other person. This can range in severity depending on the perceived wrongdoing, as well as just how vindictive the aggrieved party is.
For example, a partner or parent might withhold a school or job acceptance letter if they feel that their child or spouse hasn’t shown them sufficient appreciation. Or a colleague might not pass on a message about time-sensitive tasks, meeting changes, or project deadlines if they feel like they’ve been slighted by a co-worker.
4. Sabotage.
Some emotionally immature, petty people get great satisfaction from sabotaging those they feel have wronged them. How this manifests will depend on the individual in question, as well as their relationship to the one who hurt them, and how bad the infraction was.
Someone might “accidentally” delete their housemate’s final term essay the night before it’s due if they’ve done something hurtful, or send an anonymous email to someone’s prospective employer to slander an acquaintance who insulted them. Alternatively, some individuals may sabotage their target’s food, such as adding something foul-tasting to disgust them, or a laxative for a more powerful punishment.
5. Interfering with close relationships.
A hallmark of emotional immaturity is interfering with someone’s close relationships in order to take revenge for wrongdoing. Tampering with a person’s social net can cause real damage to them — to their mental and emotional wellbeing, and potentially their living arrangements, employment, and more.
The person in question might poison the wrongdoer’s friend group against them, or cultivate a close relationship with their target’s parents. If the perceived wrong was particularly heinous, they might seek revenge by attempting to seduce their target’s partner or spouse in an attempt to ruin their personal life.
I’ll admit that as a teenager, a friend of mine shared personal information about me in a fit of pique, and I retaliated by sleeping with her boyfriend. This type of childish, retaliatory behavior is bad enough from an adolescent, but it is reprehensible when done by an adult who should be mature enough to know (and do) better.
6. Weaponizing personal information.
We all open up to those around us about personal information at some point, such as confiding in a family member, friend, or colleague about a health concern or relationship difficulty — especially if they’ve witnessed something firsthand and asked about it. If a conflict arises within this relationship, an emotionally mature individual will have enough integrity to recognize that what was said to them in confidence is sacrosanct.
In contrast, an emotionally immature person will either weaponize that information or use it as leverage to “get back” at the other for the perceived wrongdoing. An immature parent might take offense at not being invited to a holiday gathering and tell the extended family what was said in secret. Or a colleague might threaten to tell everyone that you’re sleeping with the boss if you don’t make up for whatever they felt you did to them.
7. Character assassination.
This technique is one that’s shared by narcissists and emotionally immature people alike. When the one who feels wronged decides to take revenge, they might do what they can to assassinate the other person’s character by spreading rumors, playing victim, or potentially even pressing charges against them.
When a friend of mine was a child, her mother decided to punish her father for leaving her by falsely accusing him of abuse towards the kids. Even though he was acquitted, it left a black mark on his character for over 20 years.
In a similar vein, when an acquaintance of mine broke up with her abusive boyfriend, he reported her passport as stolen and implied that the one who stole it was a drug mule, so she ended up getting investigated by authorities when she tried to leave the country for a much-needed tropical vacation.
8. Doing things to disturb or hurt the wrongdoer.
One of the most juvenile and hurtful ways an emotionally immature person will take revenge when wronged is to do something they know will seriously hurt or disturb the one who they felt did them dirty. This will be tailored towards the individual, and will be honed and timed in such a way as to do them maximum damage.
Let’s say someone feels that their partner hurt or disrespected them intentionally, and that partner is a devoted animal lover: they’re vegan, fight for animal rights, etc. The one who was wronged might retaliate by leaving an animal carcass in the fridge for them to find, to shock and horrify them. They’ll aim for what they know is their target’s most vulnerable spot and pour all their strength into causing hurt there.
Final thoughts…
The petty, juvenile forms of revenge used here are the most common ones that the emotionally immature will put into practice. Sadly, we often don’t realize people’s immaturity until a conflict arises and they choose to retaliate rather than discussing things like rational adults with fully formed prefrontal cortices.
Just because someone has reached physical adulthood, that doesn’t mean their emotions have followed suit. As such, be very cautious about what information you share and with whom, and take precautions to protect yourself if someone you upset starts behaving in a childish, unhinged manner.
