How much easier life would be if we all saw a burden as something heavy that we are carrying in our souls, rather than something that we are to others.
Doesn’t it seem so much better to say, “I’m dealing with this incredibly difficult thing right now,” than to retreat into yourself, through fear of being a weight on others’ shoulders?
If everyone could reframe it this way, nobody would need to struggle alone or distance themselves from those who could help ease that pain or load.
I’d like to see a world like that, but first we have to tackle the behaviors that create that distance.
7 behaviors that unintentionally create distance because you’re trying not to be a burden:
1. You wait for an offer rather than ask for help.
During the COVID lockdowns, I had an elderly neighbor who I knew wasn’t going out to get her shopping.
I had spoken to her from across the street, and she seemed so distant. She started to say how worried she was, and how she didn’t know how she’d manage getting food.
“I’m going to get a grocery shop booked for delivery once a week. Would you like my email address so you can send me what you want, and I can order it for you?” I said.
Her face lit up. “I can transfer you the money every week,” she suggested. Her relief was palpable. I said that would be fine, and once a week, her shopping came, and I did a doorstep drop.
I saw her around week four into lockdown in her garden, and she called out to me.
“I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t offered. I just hated to ask anyone as I didn’t want to be a burden.”
And there it was: a woman who was worrying herself day and night about how to get food in a crisis, while she still didn’t want to trouble anyone.
And if I hadn’t seen her? I don’t even know how she would have coped. I can only hope another neighbor would have caught her and done the same.
In a nutshell: never wait for someone to ask if you need help. People are generally delighted to help. We’re better when we work together.
2. You say the infamous, “Don’t worry about me,” when all you want is someone to worry about you.
Does anyone remember Titanic? Poor old Jack was halfway to freezing, while Rose was perched on a wooden panel that, quite frankly, was big enough for two, and we all knew it.
There he was, clinging on for dear life just long enough to tell her that he was fine, and that she would have a great life with a ton of babies.
Jack, you’re in sub-zero waters with nothing around you but darkness, debris, and stars; you’re anything but fine.
In that moment, he’d have taken a life jacket or a boat if one was available, but neither was, so he pretended everything was okay to make Rose feel better.
I know we aren’t all in quite the position Jack was in, but many of us do say we’re okay to disguise the fact that our world is, in fact, falling apart.
Jack didn’t want to burden Rose, or risk her life by asking her to scoot over and make space, and so he sacrificed himself.
In a similar (but less extreme) way, people who don’t want to be a burden do the same, and in doing so, they sacrifice their own well-being and push away those who would love to support them.
3. Whenever you’re struggling, you pull away so that you don’t bring others down.
A recent mental health survey by the charity Mind found that over a third of people would prefer not to speak to someone about their mental health.
Just let that sink in for a moment, because that would amount to over 23 million people in the UK and approximately 114.2 million people in the US who don’t want to make their problems someone else’s burden to carry.
“I haven’t seen Jim for a while.” “He’s probably busy with work.”
Maybe so. Or maybe Jim hasn’t reached out because he’s going through some stuff that you know nothing about. If it’s out of character, it’s worth checking in, right?
There can be this real determination in people who are struggling not to let that encroach on the lives of those around them.
They think they are doing people a favor by struggling in silence, but personally, I’d rather know someone I care about isn’t okay so I can be there to help them, or even just listen to what’s been going on. And I very much doubt I’m alone in that.
4. You keep downplaying the stress you’re going through until people stop asking.
“It’s not that big of a deal.” “I’ve been here before.” “It’ll resolve itself.” “I’ll be fine.”
More people than you think will shrug and say, “Okay, no worries. Let me know if you need me.”
Of course, those who think they’re a burden won’t let them know. So instead, they’re struggling alone when they had someone right there willing to help a few moments ago.
It’s like being stranded on a desert island with a plane flying over, only instead of waving them down to save your life, you give them a thumbs up and a smile. They fly away, and you’re left with nothing but half a salmon and a coconut to last you.
It wouldn’t happen, would it?
If people are asking you what’s wrong, it’s because they sense you’re dealing with a lot, and they want to help.
You aren’t a burden for accepting their concerns, but you are making yourself look distant when you back away from them.
5. You purposely keep conversations light while you hold back the weight of the world.
In the UK, there are some quintessentially British ways of greeting someone you know in the street.
“Alright?” “Yeah, not too bad, you?” “Yeah, good thanks.”
“Hiya, how’s it going?” “Yeah, alright, how about you?” “Yeah, I’m okay.”
Both those people could be carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. They’re caring for their sick mother, while being made redundant, while wondering what the results of their blood tests will be.
Yet for some unknown reason, it’s all smiles when we are out and about because we don’t want to honestly answer how we are.
Sure, you don’t want to overshare with someone you barely know. But friendships are forged through giving at least a little bit away.
Surface-level conversations are almost transactional. You talk, I talk, we might joke about the weather, then we go about our day.
I’ve done it myself countless times, and I honestly don’t know what I get out of it. Yes, you might not have burdened them, but you haven’t created or deepened any kind of connection either.
6. You avoid expressing your fears because you think they make you seem silly or weak.
A friend of mine went through a long separation before ultimately divorcing. It took years, and she was leaving someone who was not only emotionally abusive but financially, too.
It left her worrying about what she’d be able to afford with her half of the house money, and how she’d cope alone with the bills and life in general. Her abusive relationship had worn down her self-esteem and made her feel like she wouldn’t be able to handle it.
But she didn’t express this to me until I came out and asked her what she was going to do about her living situation. Initially, she said she’d be ok, but I could see the fear in her eyes.
I clocked that and asked what was wrong, and that was it. The tears flowed. For months she’d kept her worries to herself, not wanting to sound silly or childish (her words, not mine).
She needed someone to sit with her and work out what she had and what she could afford. She just needed a little help rebuilding her confidence with budgeting, planning, and setting up payments for her bills.
She just needed to know that her fears were valid, and that she didn’t have to face them alone.
Being afraid isn’t needy or weak; it’s a sign that you’re unsure and you need someone to listen and support you.
If you keep everything to yourself, eventually, it’ll burst out of you; only there will be no one there to help because you will have pushed them away.
7. You overuse the phrase, “It’s fine,” as you don’t want anyone to feel responsible for supporting you.
“It’s fine” can have so many hidden meanings:
“I don’t want to bother you.”
“You’ve got your own life to live.”
“You have your own stuff going on.”
“You don’t need my stress on top of everything else.”
“I’ll get it done.”
Each phrase assumes that the person who is offering their time to you is – for whatever reason – too busy to take on added responsibilities.
That’s not always true, though, is it? Why would someone offer if they didn’t want to help? Personally, if I didn’t want to help you, I just wouldn’t ask.
“It’s fine, I can handle it by myself” may well be true, but it doesn’t mean you should handle it by yourself all the time.
Final thoughts…
Not wanting to be a burden means you’ve decided that you are, without really letting other people decide for themselves.
If these behaviors seem familiar to you, it’s probably because you’ve learned that your problems should be dealt with alone, even if it means you fall apart doing so.
But being distant with people because you are trying to hide the difficulties you face doesn’t make you strong or some sort of hero. It takes far more courage to reach out and let people in.
If I could make a suggestion to you, it would be to close that distance. Let people in on what’s really going on.
If you do, you’ll begin to understand that your idea of being a burden is far from the fact you think it is.
