Not everyone is obvious when they struggle. In fact, most struggle is done in silence because far too many people think they will be a burden to others if they’re vulnerable. We all need to do better in creating a loving, accepting space for people to say they’re struggling when they are.
People who are too proud to admit that they need help still deserve help, but it’s likely they have convinced themselves that they don’t or they don’t think anyone will help them. Keep an eye on your friends and loved ones. They may exhibit some of these signs if they are quietly struggling.
1. They withdraw from their social life without explanation.
People who are tapped out emotionally often withdraw from other people because it takes so much emotional energy to present yourself well when you’re running on empty.
It’s common for people to get angry or agitated more easily when they are emotionally exhausted. In fact, it’s so common that it may be viewed as a symptom of mental health struggles, according to experts. Rather than trying to keep a lid on negative emotions, which requires more emotional energy than they may have, it’s just easier to isolate oneself.
The person may or may not offer some generic explanation for their absence. Common reasons are “I’m just tired” or “I’m fine,” and yes, that can certainly be true. However, if it’s something that’s happening regularly, it may be cause for concern.
2. They may be unusually reactive or irritable.
It’s common for inner frustration and sadness to manifest as a short temper, sarcastic comments, or someone who is seemingly on the edge. The Mayo Clinic informs us that difficult emotions wear you down with time, creating emotional exhaustion. They leave you far more sensitive to the general happenings of life, causing you to become more irritable faster than you otherwise would be.
Furthermore, a person who is too prideful to talk about it or ask for help may be frustrated with themselves. They may feel annoyed or sad with themselves for not being able to emotionally handle whatever it is they have going on. It may be that they don’t realize or can’t accept that we don’t always have the power to handle everything that is thrown our way.
3. They double down on being busy or strong.
Instead of lightening their load, they may instead add more work. The goal isn’t to get better. Instead, the goal is to stay so busy that they don’t have to think about whatever problems they’re having. Keeping busy means they don’t have to stop, think, or try to work on improving their situation. After all, they’re just too busy!
As I can personally attest, this maladaptive coping skill is doomed to failure. I suffered in silence a lot, threw myself into work to avoid thinking too much about myself, my life, or my problems. Eventually, this caught up to me when those unaddressed problems finally became too big to ignore.
Not only that, it’s just plain exhausting to work that hard for an extended time. It took about a year, but I eventually just burned out. All I got out of it was bigger problems than before, when I could have just asked for help and bypassed a whole lot of pain.
4. They avoid deep or meaningful conversations.
People who are struggling but don’t want to talk about it tend to avoid deep and meaningful conversations because it’s too easy to say too much. They don’t want to take the chance of slipping or revealing details that may let the other person see that they’re struggling. Instead, they keep their conversation surface-level.
Asking how they’re doing will normally get you deflective or non-answers that don’t reveal any actual information. “Oh, I’m doing fine” is a common one. It may be that they are doing fine. Life isn’t particularly bad, but it’s not particularly good, either. It’s just fine. So, you can’t necessarily take that as a sole indicator, but taken with other signs on this list, it may be that something more is up.
5. They brush off your concerns with deflection or humor.
People often mask their pain behind humor. They may not feel comfortable talking about it directly, but they can make an off comment or two that won’t necessarily raise eyebrows. Dark humor is a coping skill that many people with difficult lives or jobs embrace as a way of validating their experiences. Like, it’s common for first responders and the military to have a dark, absurd sense of humor because of everything they deal with.
Humor is excellent for deflection because if you can get someone laughing, they generally aren’t going to ask about unpleasant things after. Instead, the tone and cadence of the conversation shift and move away from whatever the sensitive topic was.
6. They may change their habits or routines in subtle ways.
Sometimes inner frustration may manifest in changes of habits and routines. The person may not take care of themselves the way they typically do, eat more junk food, not groom how as they typically would, or stop participating in hobbies. Their inner turmoil is wearing away at their energy, and so other areas of their life suffer because of it.
People typically don’t just change their habits or patterns for no reason. If there is a dramatic change, it could be a subtle clue that something troubling is going on with that person.
7. They downplay their problems to avoid talking about them.
Prideful people who don’t want to talk are often rooting their beliefs in their strengths. Make no mistake about it, people are strong and can withstand a lot. However, it doesn’t mean that we can withstand everything and figure it out all on our own. Sometimes we all need help.
They may talk their problems down, insisting other people have it worse off than they do, and that people don’t need to worry about them. They may not want to feel like a burden or be bothersome to other people, so they do their best to avoid talking about the whole truth. By omitting parts of the truth, they can make the problem seem less serious than it is, so other people won’t worry about them.
8. They always offer to help, but never ask for any.
These folks are often the first to show up for others, but they won’t ask for help or accept support for themselves. Though it appears to be selfless, this behavior is often driven by a deep fear of appearing needy, weak, or incapable to others. Furthermore, it may be that the person has been let down by other people they’ve relied on in the past, so they learned to rely only on themselves.
It may be a point of pride for them to be the caretaker of others, so they don’t want other people to see them as needy. People who think this way may perceive themselves to be martyrs and take pride in the fact that they’re willing to grind themselves into dust for other people, even though it is not a noble thing at all.
Final Thoughts…
People who suffer in silence and won’t ask for help tend to believe that strength means hiding pain. It doesn’t. It’s easy to hide pain if you really want to. What’s hard is allowing yourself to open up, be vulnerable, and rely on other people to help you when you need it.
If you have someone in your life who you think may be doing this, check in gently with them every so often. Just ask how they’re doing, how they’re getting along, and most importantly, don’t try to force them to talk. If you try to do that, they will just close off completely.
The best approach is to just be present and create the space that they may need to open up. In many cases, they will after a while.
