There comes a time in every parent’s life when their kids insist upon being more independent. It often starts with them wanting to put on their own shoes or butter their own toast, and tends to increase incrementally from there.
That said, some children are more hesitant to explore independence and continue to rely on their parents’ help well into adulthood.
If your kids fall into the latter category, here are some things you can do to encourage them to rely on you less and feel more confident about becoming independent.
1. Avoid rushing in to solve their problems for them.
People who have always turned to their parents for help instead of trying to figure things out for themselves generally keep on doing so well into adulthood.
They may have always been given answers and assistance by their parents when faced with a crisis, or the parents might have taken those things on themselves to spare their kids the burden of obligation and labor.
This is understandable, since it’s hard to watch your children struggle (and it’s often easier and quicker just to do whatever needs doing yourself). But your child doesn’t actually learn much from that experience other than knowing they can sit back and let someone else handle issues on their behalf.
And taken too far, it can prevent them from learning vital skills, ranging from creative problem-solving to cultivating vital coping mechanisms for stressful situations.
People learn by doing things themselves.
As such, one way to encourage adult children to become more independent is to encourage them to find solutions to things themselves rather than always providing them with easy answers.
For instance, if they ask you for help with a problem, ask them what they think would be a good solution for it, or what they would recommend to a friend who came to them with a similar issue.
You can sit with them whilst they work through this, but try not to immediately jump in with a solution. Encourage them to analyze the situation and figure out what the necessary steps are to solve it.
Expect some pushback, frustration, and possibly even tears, just like when you encouraged them to put their own shoes on as toddlers.
They need to learn how to do these things themselves, despite the awkward mistakes they’ll make in the process.
2. Help them learn to do things instead of doing those things for them.
When I was growing up and needed (or wanted) things done, my parents gave me instructions on how to do them and then supervised me as I did so instead of doing those things for me.
They sometimes offered guidance or gave me a hands-on demonstration, but ultimately, they gave me the time and space to try it myself. That included learning from my mistakes, of which there were many.
It may be quicker and easier for you to take care of a plumbing issue at your adult child’s house, or bring over your prized casserole for their dinner party instead of giving them the recipe, but this does them a great disservice in the long run.
Instead, have them work beside you so they learn the techniques you have accrued over the years, thereby empowering them and encouraging their independence.
3. Don’t let them treat you as a walking wallet.
An important part of adulthood is learning how to adhere to a budget. This involves doing things like setting aside money to save up for a big purchase, rather than running to mom or dad to foot the bill for it.
If your kids have gotten used to you forking out money whenever they need something, they won’t learn how to be more savvy with their savings.
It may be inconvenient for them to have to save up money for a few months to buy a new oven when theirs breaks, but they’ll learn some valuable lessons about budgeting in the process.
Furthermore, they’ll be much more likely to take care of that appliance well, since they know how much it’ll cost to replace it again.
4. Establish healthy boundaries, especially if they still live at home.
“Failure to launch” is something that many adult children struggle with these days, and it’s understandable given the difficulties many young adults face finding work and an affordable living arrangement.
Some choose to live at home while in college to save money, and then decide that staying with their parents is a lot more comfortable than moving out — especially if said parents still cook for them, do their laundry, and so on.
It’s very much a case of having their cake, eating it, and then having their parents wash their plate and cutlery afterwards.
Others simply cannot afford to move out, which can naturally stifle the development of their “adulting” skills.
If this is the type of scenario you’re dealing with, establish boundaries by delineating exactly what your child’s responsibilities will be while they live under your roof.
For example, they may be expected to pay rent to contribute to household expenses, as well as do their fair share of the chores.
They can enjoy family meals provided that they also do the cooking X times per week, but they’re responsible for doing their own laundry (or alternatively doing the household laundry once a week), keeping their space clean, and so on.
5. Don’t enable them.
People whose adult children struggle with various difficulties often enable their offspring to remain in a state of arrested development.
This can include finding excuses for their behavior instead of encouraging them to rise above it or utilize compensatory strategies.
For example, people whose children are neurodivergent and/or who struggle with their mental health may understandably feel inclined to absolve their children of adult responsibility instead of encouraging them to seek empowering solutions for their challenges.
Of course, each child is different, and there will be some who will continue to need more support than others throughout their lives. But for your unique child, it’s important to be able to differentiate between when you truly need to help and when you just want to.
Ultimately, the key to helping adult children to become more independent is to assist them rather than solely enabling them, where it’s viable to do so.
This can include encouraging them to work with a therapist or coach who can help them cultivate greater self-confidence, look into strategies and assistance tools that can mitigate some of their difficulties, and so on.
6. Travel, or encourage them to (safely) do so.
It’s easy for your adult children to rely on you for various things when you’re in close proximity to them all the time.
As a result, literal physical distance can be remarkably effective for forcing them to become more self-reliant.
If you find that your kids are a little too reliant upon you despite having reached adulthood, now would be an ideal time to take that long trip you’ve been daydreaming about.
Without you close by, they’ll have to step up and be more independent in their day-to-day lives.
Alternatively, you can encourage them to travel, so long as they’re well prepared and have taken sufficient safety precautions, ideally travelling with others.
Many religious organizations send their young adults on mission trips for precisely this reason: to gain more independence and prepare for adult responsibility, leadership, family roles, and so on.
Being away from their parents – even for a short, structured period – may encourage your adult children to have greater faith in their own abilities, take care of themselves, and work with their peers instead of relying too heavily on others.
7. Encourage them to learn from mistakes, not avoid them.
One of the main reasons why adult children remain reliant on their parents is the fear of failure.
Those with perfectionist tendencies are often so afraid of making mistakes that they prefer not to try at all.
And unfortunately, a lot of parents unintentionally encourage this behavior by punishing their kids for slipping up, creating a vicious cycle.
We all make mistakes. The key is to teach your kids that pretty much everything in their life is fixable, but may require time, effort, stress, and sacrifice to do so.
Life is messy, but avoiding any situation that could go wrong isn’t really living, nor is relying on others to do one’s living for them.
8. Become more comfortable with your child’s adulthood.
For some parents, the reason their children rely on them so heavily is that the parents have allowed this dependence because they haven’t wanted to disappoint, upset, or otherwise hurt their kids in any way.
Some are parents who have wanted to be their children’s friend rather than an authority figure, whereas others may have a codependent or enmeshed relationship with their children, especially if they were single parents who depended on their children for emotional support and companionship.
These things are entirely understandable, but ultimately harmful in the long run, because you won’t be around forever.
One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to get out of your adult children’s way so they can step into an adult role, rather than hindering them out of overprotectiveness.
These individuals will always be your children, but they aren’t children anymore. As adults, they deserve the opportunity to embrace maturity and independence without worrying that they’ll disappoint you by cutting the apron strings.
Final thoughts…
Although you may feel protective of your kids and hesitant to push them towards greater independence, it’s vitally important to do so because none of us are going to live forever.
If your adult children aren’t encouraged to be independent now, they will be in a terrible state if you died unexpectedly or otherwise became unable to keep helping them.
The more capable you help them to become, the better equipped they’ll be to navigate whatever life might have in store for them.
