Parents of children and teens often joke about how they’re part chauffeur and part ATM, but once the kids are old enough to support themselves, that behavior isn’t cute or endearing anymore. Of course, most of us give money to our relatives now and then — whether as gifts or when times are tight. But that’s quite different from having entitled adult children who feel that their parents should be walking wallets for them for the rest of their lives.
If yours have been treating you as their personal chequing account, here are some things you need to stop doing immediately.
1. Avoiding uncomfortable discussions about their finances.
If your adult child has been regularly asking you for money for several years now, you’ve probably been wondering what the hell they’re doing with their own earnings to be so broke all the time. Yes, the cost of living has been rising exponentially, but most people are making do without abusing their parents’ finances.
You’ve probably avoided asking your kids flat-out why they’re still depending on you financially when they have jobs and lives of their own because you don’t want to cause strife between you. After all, those discussions may open the doors to details you aren’t prepared to think about, or might make them feel ashamed. In reality, talking to them frankly about how their behavior affects you is one of the only ways to make it stop.
2. Taking on their emergencies as your own.
Young children’s emergencies are their parents’ responsibility because those kids are incapable of fending for themselves: they’re utterly dependent on their caregivers for a good 18 years, if not a little longer, depending on the person. Once they reach adulthood, however, they need to be able to handle difficult situations themselves.
Furthermore, what constitutes an emergency on their part may not actually be the case, but some people blow issues out of proportion and then run to others — namely, mom and dad — to help them.
Unless your adult child is somehow incapacitated, their emergencies aren’t yours to shoulder. For example, if they’re panicking because their car payment is overdue and they don’t have the money for it because they spent too much on the person they’re dating, that’s something they need to sort out. Not you. Being too nice to your adult kids can be harmful, not just to you, but to them, too.
3. Feeling obligated to shield them from financial responsibility.
One guy in my social circle is a carefree artistic type who’s incredibly laissez-faire about his financial responsibilities. If he can’t make his share of the rent or bills, he just shrugs and says, “It’ll get taken care of”. But by whom, exactly? Ultimately, his parents usually end up stepping in to pay for things on his behalf so he doesn’t end up homeless and destitute.
This does him (and his romantic partners) an immense service, because it allows him to avoid shouldering real adult responsibility. There are no negative consequences if he doesn’t save enough money for his monthly expenses, so why would he put real effort into doing so? This man is in his 40s, but has been so enabled by his parents that he’s behaving like an irresponsible teenager. There’s always a price to pay for being free-spirited: it’s just not that individual who ends up paying it.
4. Agreeing to give them money every time they ask.
It’s possible that one of the primary reasons why your adult children treat you like an ATM is that you’ve never said “no” to them when they’ve asked. A lot of parents feel guilty if they deny their kids the things they ask for, especially when they’re struggling. Unfortunately, sometimes forcing their offspring to deal with difficulty is the only way to stop enabling irresponsible behavior on their part.
There’s little incentive for them to learn how to manage their finances and make the sacrifices needed to make ends meet if they know that their parents will forever be their financial safety net.
5. Letting past guilt inform today’s choices.
Maybe you feel bad because you and your co-parent split up when your kids were young, and now you feel obligated to make it up to them by any means possible. Or you had a terrible falling out at one point that resulted in something serious happening to them, and now you’re wracked with guilt, forever making amends.
Your adult child is undoubtedly taking advantage of this situation and milking it to their benefit as much as possible. Children can do emotional harm to their parents, too, after all. If they lay on the guilt — especially if they imply that they wouldn’t be struggling financially if it weren’t for your past actions — bring your attention back to the present moment.
6. Saying that “this is the last time.”
It’s possible that you’ve tried to be boundaried about giving your adult children money in the past, but they know how to push all the right, guilt-trippy buttons to make you feel bad about doing so. As such, when they hear “this is the last time”, they know it’s an empty threat.
Boundaries won’t be respected if they aren’t defended, nor if there aren’t any consequences for trying to overstep them. Any time you catch yourself saying “this is the last time”, stop. Just don’t do it. This cycle ends when you make it end.
7. Responding immediately when they reach out to you.
When your kids were small, you had to go and check on them immediately when there was something wrong, so that they didn’t choke on a button or accidentally set the couch on fire. Now that they’re fully grown, there’s far less urgency. Unless there’s been a terrible car accident or similar, there’s no reason why you need to respond immediately when they contact you.
This is especially true if they’re contacting you because they want money. You can remain available, but not instantly attainable at their beck and call. You’ve gotten to the point in your life where rest and replenishment are of the highest importance, and you don’t exist for their benefit anymore.
8. Making excuses for them.
Be honest with yourself here: do you make excuses for your adult children’s behavior instead of acknowledging how damaging it is? Furthermore, how would you feel if your friends’ kids were treating them the way yours treat you?
Many parents make excuses for their adult offspring’s actions and life choices, especially if they feel some guilt about how they could have been “better” parents when their kids were growing up. In reality, everyone is responsible for their own decisions as they navigate their lives, and making excuses for your children allows them to justify their poor behavior, including how they treat you. It’s time to let them know that what they’re doing is not okay at all and needs to stop.
Final thoughts…
People generally don’t treat others the way they’d want to be treated: they treat them the way they’ve been taught to. If you’ve always been an ATM to your kids, they’ve likely gotten used to that dynamic and don’t understand why that needs to change now that they’re grown adults. After all, it’s simply always been this way.
If you want your kids to stop treating you in this manner, it’s up to you to change the dynamic between you. Treat them more like adults rather than kids and make it clear that their financial responsibilities are their own.
