A child gets blamed for their sibling’s poor grades or bad behavior because the parents said they were a bad influence on that sibling.
Or if something in the house ended up broken, the child in question was asked why they broke it — not if.
Essentially, guilt was assumed as a baseline standard, so it didn’t need an inquiry.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and it has probably left its mark.
Children whose parents and caregivers blamed them for problems they had nothing to do with often exhibit the following behavioral patterns, which many of them carry into adulthood without even realizing.
1. Taking responsibility for regulating everyone else’s emotions.
Many people who grew up being blamed for problems they didn’t cause learn what psychologists call extrinsic emotion regulation techniques.
That is, trying to change or regulate how others feel in order to improve a situation.
For example, they may try to distract someone who’s angry by offering them a snack, or use humor to lighten their mood. This was a technique they learned as a means of self-preservation in their childhood, and now it’s almost like second nature to them.
Interestingly though, many people who take it upon themselves to regulate others’ emotions for them also remain emotionally distant from those people.
They learned in their formative years that being vulnerable and openly trusting would only result in them getting hurt. Because of this, they learned how to take care of other people’s emotions in a way that also allowed them to circumvent showing any of their own.
2. Apologizing even if they didn’t do anything wrong.
Those who were made into the family scapegoat often discovered that if they apologized instead of defending themselves, they could move past the issue far more quickly than if they tried to prove their innocence.
Because of this, they learned that over-apologizing was a good protocol; a blanket that covered anything they could have potentially done wrong.
As adults, they may continue this behavior and apologize at the slightest provocation. If someone slams into them while walking down the street, for instance, they’ll apologize as though they were at fault for being in the way.
They may even apologize to inanimate objects, and might start conversations with “sorry” just in case the other person is upset about anything. It’s like a type of armor they don to pre-empt any accusations or inconvenience.
3. Perpetually bracing for conflict.
When someone says something to them that could potentially result in conflict, they may brace and clench against whatever it will be.
They may hyperfocus on trivial matters or catastrophize potential upcoming events, essentially troubleshooting and creating contingencies for things that haven’t happened yet (and may never happen!) in an attempt to avoid any potential issues in the future.
Furthermore, when things seem to be going well, it can almost feel like the situation is too good to be true.
My partner and I both experience this: we’re so accustomed to things hitting the fan that we’re often wary when things seem like they’re going “too” well.
We’re perpetually braced for the other shoe to drop. This makes us hyper-analyze things around us for potential problems or threats, most of which will never come to pass.
By mentally solving problems before they arise, we derive a sense of security we never had in our youth.
4. Avoiding confrontation (e.g., not standing up for themselves or speaking up when dealing with unfair situations).
If a person grew up constantly being blamed (and punished) when they didn’t do anything wrong, they probably learned to take it and get on with things.
No matter what they said or did to try to prove that they weren’t responsible, they were yelled at (or worse) anyway — including being accused of lying to try to escape consequences.
This can result in severe anxiety and low self-esteem in adulthood, which may make it difficult for them to stand up for themselves when they’re mistreated.
For example, if they’re treated unfairly at work, they likely won’t argue against it. They’ll just accept it as their lot, because their formative years taught them that no one will respect them or take them seriously anyway.
5. Over-explaining their words and behaviors.
This is a behavioral pattern that many people carry into adulthood if they were constantly forced to justify and explain their supposed innocence as kids.
Basically, the adults around them always accused them of things as though they were facts, and so they learned to try to pre-empt these accusations by over-explaining their every request or action.
In adulthood, this often continues, and they overexplain everything they say or do because they don’t want to leave any room for potential misinterpretation or accusation.
As a result, they offer a narrative for whatever they’re doing even if there isn’t one needed, in an attempt to avoid any blame — either then, or in the future.
6. Gathering evidence.
Many people who were blamed for problems they didn’t cause as children learned to gather evidence in order to exonerate themselves later.
They learned early that they would be gaslighted or summarily dismissed if they tried to prove their innocence without proof.
Now, as adults, they keep receipts, and they’ll take screen captures of text-based communication in order to prove what was said later in case someone tries to lie about it.
They’ll keep photographic evidence and may even record audio exchanges if it’s legally permitted where they live.
7. Accepting blame for the sake of keeping the peace.
Someone who grew accustomed to being blamed for issues they didn’t cause in childhood may now simply accept that blame without fighting it, solely for the sake of maintaining some form of harmony.
If the accusation isn’t going to wreck their life completely, then they might as well just accept it and carry on. They’ll agree that they did something wrong, apologize, and get on with life.
They’ve learned the hard way that doing that is a lot easier and causes a lot less stress than if they try to fight the issue. Even though it’s unfair and has no basis in actual fact, they’ll simply take it on the chin to get it over with.
8. People-pleasing to win favor.
Children who were blamed for things they didn’t do often grow into people-pleasing adults who try to avoid drawing anyone’s ire by any means necessary.
Because of this, they may try to anticipate others’ needs and go above and beyond in any given situation so nobody will get upset with them.
These are the individuals who keep detailed notes about how their boss takes their coffee or what they prefer to order for lunch. They’ll often have extensive calendars full of the birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates for just about everyone they know.
Additionally, they’re often the first to offer their assistance when people need help. Essentially, they’ll do whatever they can to get on this individual’s good side, because they know all too well how the opposite feels.
Final thoughts…
We have all been influenced by our childhood experiences, but that doesn’t mean we have to be permanently constrained by them.
Sometimes, when we come across a description of a certain type of behavior and recognize that we’ve been exhibiting it, that awareness grants us the opportunity to change our ways, or prompts us to seek support to help us along that journey.
There is no shame in having continued a behavior that kept you safe when you were a child. This is simply the opportunity to recognize that you’re no longer a vulnerable little one who has to repeat these patterns for self-preservation.
If the behavior is no longer serving you, the adult you can begin to let it go.
