Negotiating relationships between parents and adult children can be tricky at times. After all, the relationship was established with a very strong hierarchy of caregiver and offspring, and then evolved into something completely different once the kids reached adulthood.
As a result, both sides will likely experience some significant growing pains, such as frustration and awkwardness, as they move through this transition.
Fortunately, there are things that both sides can do to ensure that their relationship remains close and that it evolves as they do. Here are 7 such suggestions:
1. Agree to disagree respectfully, as adults.
Parents can’t expect to control their adult children’s beliefs and opinions, nor control their actions once they reach adulthood.
Similarly, it’s important for said adult children to also respect their parents’ views, rather than stirring the pot at inappropriate times as a way of rebelling against their upbringing.
A classic example of this would be parents and adult children who have differing spiritual beliefs.
During religious or spiritual festivals or ceremonies, the parents may expect their adult children to engage in rituals they no longer believe in, while the children may push back and make disrespectful comments about those beliefs.
But there’s a time and a place for everything. Furthermore, agreeing to disagree respectfully means honoring each other’s choices, without trying to control, correct, or belittle them.
When you’re willing to put your ego aside, there’s always common ground to be found.
2. Avoid defaulting to behaviors associated with adolescence.
It can be tricky for both parents and adult children to learn how to relate to one another once the kids are fully grown.
Many parents will forever see their children as adolescents — even if they’re well into their 40s or 50s — and try to be as controlling and authoritarian towards them as they were when they were 12.
Similarly, many adult children revert back to adolescent states at their parents’ place, such as expecting to be fed or catered to while they hang out and watch TV.
It’s important for both adult children and their parents to be open and communicative about establishing new boundaries and expectations as far as behaviors go.
For example, it’s unreasonable for a parent to expect an adult child who’s living with them to adhere to a curfew, the same way it’s unreasonable for an adult child to expect their parents to do their laundry for them as they did when they were younger.
3. Avoid giving each other unsolicited advice.
Parents may feel the urge to offer advice to their kids that they think will be helpful, often based on their own experiences.
The thing is, the world they grew up in is very different from the world as it exists now, and advice they may consider helpful can be so out of touch as to be offensive at times.
For example, I remember my parents admonishing me about how one week of my paycheck should be enough to pay my monthly rent for my downtown Toronto apartment.
One week of my pay was around $700 at the time, and my rent was $1750, but this was simply inconceivable to them.
Similarly, adult children may offer unsolicited advice to their parents that’s just as unwanted.
For example, they may try to teach their parents some “new” thing that they’d actually been doing for decades. Or they may encourage their parents to get more involved in social media or tech things that they simply have no interest in.
Just because something works for you doesn’t mean it’ll work for others. So unless they’ve specifically asked for your advice, it’s better not to offer it without checking first.
4. Learn to see each other as adults worthy of respect and courtesy.
The relationships we have with family members are completely different from those we cultivate with strangers.
When we meet other adults — regardless of their age or social standing — there’s usually immediately a degree of respect and courtesy shown on both sides.
Now compare that to the relationship between family members.
The kinship between parents and their children, regardless of age, is less respectful and far more familiar.
Though in some ways, familiarity is great because it makes things far more relaxed, it can also result in both sides taking each other for granted or ordering each other around, instead of being sincerely respectful.
For instance, some parents believe they have the right to tell their kids what to do and expect to be obeyed for their entire lives. Similarly, some adult children overstep as they try to take control of their aging parents’ lives.
5. Practice patience and empathy.
Both parents and adult children are negotiating completely new territory. Neither has prior experience with this dynamic, so it’s important to be patient and empathetic towards one another during these periods of learning and personal growth.
It’s inevitable that both are going to overstep or miss the mark at times.
Things said carelessly may cause harm, for example, or there may be tension about hierarchy and roles as this new dynamic is being figured out.
For instance, parents may get upset by their offspring not wanting to be called “kids” anymore since they’re in their 40s, which is completely reasonable. But to them, letting go of this reinforces the fact that they’re aging, and their adult children aren’t their babies anymore.
It’s not easy for either side, so try to be as patient and compassionate as possible.
6. Respect each other’s spaces as you would friends’ or neighbors’ homes.
Most people wouldn’t dream of letting themselves into their friends’ or neighbors’ homes without a clear invitation to do so.
That said, many parents and adult children do exactly that, without seeing what a disrespectful overstep that is.
Parents may see fit to pop by their adult children’s homes unannounced and let themselves in (sometimes to everyone’s mortification), and adult children may still treat their parents’ space like it’s their home as well.
This is why it’s so helpful to have clear boundaries about personal living spaces.
It’s fine to have keys to one another’s homes, for example, but clear it with one another first before coming to visit.
Establish protocols in which you both agree when it would be okay to let yourselves in, such as in emergencies, if someone’s in the hospital and needs supplies, and so on.
But outside of that, behave as genteel, appreciative guests in each other’s spaces.
7. Have healthy boundaries about what is and isn’t okay to discuss.
For many families, there are few things as uncomfortable as parents and their adult children discussing their intimate lives with one another.
Many children don’t want to think about their parents frolicking in that particular manner. And similarly, most parents will forever think of their children as being kids, even when they’re middle-aged.
As a result, most are terribly uncomfortable hearing anything about each other’s sex lives.
Of course, there will be exceptions to this, and if your family is the exception, it’ll be quite obvious that it’s not a problem for anyone concerned, and it’s probably always been that way.
If you’re not the exception, however, remember that just because both sides are adults now, that doesn’t mean that all topics are appropriate for discussion.
Similarly, while it might have been okay for parents to discuss their kids’ various personal or health complaints with friends and extended family members when they were young, it’s not okay to do so when they reach adulthood.
At least not without running it past them first to get their consent to share that information with others. The same goes for the other way round, of course.
Final thoughts…
Hierarchies between parents and adult children are never easy to sort out. Furthermore, they’re likely to get more complicated as both sides age.
Just when you think you’ve found a solid, working balance in your relationship, things like health setbacks on either side can derail things.
Suddenly, all the progress that had been made is unraveled, and new dynamics have to be negotiated from square one again.
Aim to see this dynamic as a constant dance in which you’re both learning new choreography as the music plays.
