One of the definitions of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different end result. Yet when it comes to relationships, many of us do it.
As such, if you find that your relationships keep ending the same way, for the same reasons, it’s important to do some soul-searching to figure out why that keeps happening.
Many of us repeat cycles unconsciously, and determining the contributing factors to repeated relationship breakdowns can be effective for stopping that cycle and cultivating healthier partnerships as we move forward.
Here are some steps to follow that may be effective for sorting out the whys in your repeated breakups:
9 ways to figure out why your relationships keep ending the same way (and break the cycle):
1. Write down everything your exes have in common.
Many of us have specific “types” that we’re drawn to and keep getting involved with.
For example, most of my exes have been dark, brooding musicians, while my close friend’s exes were all jovial Seth Rogen lookalikes.
As such, make a list of everyone you’ve ever dated, and write down all the traits about them that you can imagine.
Then, take note of how many things they have in common, and that includes the things that have annoyed or upset you.
Being aware of the traits that you keep being drawn if often the first step in bringing clarity about the reasons why these relationships fell apart.
2. Next, list all the reasons why your relationships ended.
This is where you write down who broke up with whom, why, after how long, and how that breakup unfolded.
For example, have most of your exes ended up using you or taking you for granted, resulting in their belongings being tossed out onto the lawn?
Or have the majority of them broken up with you because they felt you were too much of something, or not enough of another?
This process isn’t going to be a pleasant one, so keep tissues handy, but it’s vital as we work on pattern recognition and analysis here.
In addition to writing down the things you disliked about them, list points that your exes kept bringing up as unsavory or unwanted in you, as that may provide additional insight.
It’s not a pleasant thing to consider, but if your exes all brought up the same issues they had with you, there may be a nugget of truth in what they said.
3. Consider the contributing factors that led to the breakups.
Relationships rarely end out of nowhere. Usually there’s a period of upheaval before they break down, which can consist of uncomfortable conversations, arguments, accusations, negotiations, and even time apart.
As you analyze how your previous relationships ended, think back to the things that may have contributed to the breakup. This means looking at both your exes’ behaviors and those of your own.
For instance, if the breakups happened because you were taken advantage of, did you set and defend healthy boundaries? Or did you remain quiet as they took more and more from you over time?
Alternatively, if they broke up with you for being too demanding or controlling, what behaviors occurred on your part that led to those accusations?
4. Ask yourself whether you’re partaking in any self-sabotage.
Many people repeat unhealthy relationship cycles when they’re afraid of real emotional intimacy or commitment.
For example, a person with an avoidant attachment style may intentionally date people who are more emotionally available, who will then try to demand more feelings from them. Because when they do, that’s justification to cut ties and walk away, thereby avoiding further intimacy.
Try to analyze your past relationships from a neutral, impassive perspective so you can determine whether you might have made conscious or unconscious decisions that allowed you to avoid a longer, committed partnership.
Essentially, consider whether you may have pursued relationships that had very clear escape routes, which you’ve used at the first sign of conflict.
5. Determine whether you’re repeating your parents’ mistakes.
A surprising number of people end up in relationships that mirror their parents’ marriages or partnerships. This often happens because familiar dynamics are comfortable to us, even if they’re unhealthy. In fact, especially if they’re unhealthy.
Some people get into relationships that are similar to their parents’ in the hope of “fixing” them by proxy and creating the partnership they wish their parents had.
If you’ve been repeating cycles like these, you may keep dating people who will allow you to re-create the dynamics you witnessed between your parents.
Your goal might be to succeed where your parents failed, thereby proving that they could have had a healthier partnership if they’d just tried a bit harder.
Alternatively, you may not trust relationships that you aren’t familiar with, so if the dynamics fall outside the parameters you were raised with, you may feel too much outside your element to relax into them.
6. Check in with friends you trust to get a better overview.
Friends offer support to one another when it’s needed, but very good friends share difficult truths with one another when they’re needed.
As such, if you have close friends who know you well, whom you can trust to be honest and supportive with you, ask them for their sincere perspectives on the relationships you’ve been pursuing.
Sometimes, we just can’t get out of our own way when it comes to seeing what’s right in front of us. Furthermore, our closest friends might have held back on telling us how they really felt about our partners because they didn’t feel it was their place to do so.
So by asking for their advice, it allows them to voice their views without the fear of overstepping or potentially alienating you.
7. Consider whether you are creating self-fulfilling prophecies.
Some people are so convinced that their relationships are going to unfold in specific ways that they actually cause those things to happen.
Those things may not have occurred if they didn’t intervene, but something makes them manipulate scenarios so they unfold precisely as predicted.
For example, if you’re convinced that your relationships will end before the two-year mark, you may unconsciously go on the attack if you feel that your partner is drifting away around that time.
Even if that isn’t the case at all, you may be subconsciously pre-empting abandonment by taking it upon yourself to end it before they can, thereby attempting to protect yourself from potential hurt if they break up with you.
And when they do exactly that because they can’t take your attacks anymore, it’ll prove your assumption that you can’t make it to two years without your relationship falling apart.
8. Check in with yourself to see if these relationships are actually what you want.
Essentially, are you dating these people because you think doing so is a wise decision, rather than because you actually want to be with them?
Some relationships look great on paper, but that doesn’t mean that they’re compatible pairings. For example, many people date those who can provide them with the lives they want, rather than because of authentic connections.
As such, ask yourself whether your relationships ended because you tried to be a version of yourself that you thought you should be, instead of being true to yourself. Or alternatively, whether you tried to make the relationships work because you wanted to be with those partners, but you didn’t share the same goals.
For instance, a person who doesn’t want children may date someone who does because they want to be with them, and then keep procrastinating indefinitely when it comes to starting a family.
They are hoping that their partner will eventually lose interest in wanting kids, but in reality, this wastes their partner’s time and prevents them from fulfilling their own life goals.
Some relationship issues just can’t be negotiated on, so it’s important to be clear on those from the outset if you want to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
9. Get help from a therapist.
If you’ve gone through all of these steps and still can’t figure out why your relationships keep ending, it may be worthwhile to book some time with a therapist who specializes in relationships.
An impartial party may be able to help you see the blind spots that you’ve been oblivious to or that you’re unconsciously avoiding.
The missing puzzle pieces they can help you find may be exactly what you need in order to see the patterns you’ve been following.
By doing this, you can stop yourself from repeating unhealthy cycles and focus on building a stronger relationship with a more compatible partner.
Final thoughts…
It’s a lot easier to analyze other people’s relationships and repeated behaviors than to recognize our own. Quite simply, we have the luxury of observing other people’s issues from an impartial distance.
When we’re in the thick of things, we’re viewing them through lenses colored by emotion, insecurity, trauma, and countless other factors.
It’s only through honest analysis that we can figure out why we keep repeating unhealthy cycles and then take an active role in making better decisions in the future.
