Our parents are our first teachers. The people who instruct us on everything from how to use a spoon to how to interact with other human beings. Unfortunately, while some are excellent teachers who instruct with loving care, others are perfect examples of what not to mirror in our own lives.
You may have learned some toxic relationship patterns by observing your parents, and by experiencing your own dynamics with them, but that doesn’t mean that you have to emulate them. In fact, in order to have healthy, happy relationships, you’ll need to break them as soon as possible.
1. The silent treatment or passive aggression instead of communication.
Children learn through observation, and if you watched your parents give each other the silent treatment or get passive-aggressive with each other when they were upset, then you might have grown up thinking that was an acceptable way to behave with your loved ones. Your parents may have even behaved that way towards you, and you were too young to understand or recognize why they were doing so.
This type of behavior is juvenile and ultimately harmful, regardless of what type of relationship it occurs within. If you sincerely care about and respect the people closest to you, then make a point of communicating with them clearly and lovingly, even when it’s difficult to do so.
2. Empty apologies without taking action to improve things.
Many of us grew up watching our parents swiftly apologize for perceived wrongdoings to avoid conflict and keep the peace, only to realize that they never actually put effort into making amends. Furthermore, they’d repeat the same behaviors over and over again, so no positive change ever happened. Some might have even insisted on the “forgive and forget” approach, so they didn’t have to be held accountable for their wrongdoing.
Mimicking this behavior in your own relationships can sour them very quickly. “Sorry” is meaningless without action to make real amends. And a partner who realizes that you don’t care enough to stop hurting them likely won’t stick around for long. Similarly, if you teach your children by example that you can just offer a hollow apology without action to back it up, they’ll likely turn around and do the same thing to you when you least expect it.
3. Control or criticism under the guise of loving care.
Many of us — especially those with narcissistic parents — grew up with a never-ending slew of criticism under the guise of “just trying to help”, or “just looking out” for us. There was rarely a compliment without a backhanded bit of cruelty attached, nor any help without manipulation served up as a side dish. This may have been directed between parents as well as between parent and child.
When one is programmed with behavior like this from day one, it may be difficult to get away from. Essentially, you may be inclined to do the same thing, such as criticizing a partner’s food choices to “just help” them maintain a physique that you like, or buying clothes that your children dislike to encourage them to dress in a manner you’d prefer. Avoid this at all costs. Few things erode love quicker than control under the guise of care.
4. Violent outbursts due to lack of emotional regulation.
For a lot of people, having parents throw things, scream, slam doors, break items, or even punch through walls when upset was as commonplace as having cereal for breakfast. Any irritation could trigger this behavior: from frustration towards the kids to conflicts between the parents.
There are many reasons someone might struggle with emotional regulation, but learning this skill is one of the best things you can do for the sake of your personal relationships. It’s what will allow you to remain calm and rational in any situation. And it can either make or break the kinship you have with your spouse/partner and children, if you have them. Otherwise, you may end up saying or doing something that you can’t take back and cause damage that can never be mended.
5. Emotional invalidation.
The type of parents mentioned above often aren’t just incapable of regulating their own emotions: they also don’t know how to help anyone else work through theirs. As a result, their go-to response for anyone else’s emotional expression is invalidation. If you experienced this, you were likely told to “stop being dramatic” when you cried, or to shut up unless you “really wanted something to cry about”.
Sadly, a lot of people end up mimicking the behaviors they grew up with, repeating toxic relationship patterns with their own partners and children. If you want to have strong, healthy, happy relationships with your family members, you’ll need to ensure that you validate and hold space for your loved ones’ feelings, rather than diminishing or dismissing them.
6. Conditional love.
Those who live with unconditional love feel secure and confident in their family, knowing that no matter what mistakes they make, they’re still loved by those closest to them. In contrast, those who live with conditional love only feel cared for when they meet others’ expectations. You may have witnessed your parents only expressing care for one another when they prepared the “right” meals, bought the holiday gifts that were expected, and so on.
Similarly, you may have only gotten parental love and approval when you behaved exactly the way they wanted you to. This type of conditional love isn’t just toxic: it’s devastating. If you grew up in a family dynamic like this one, ensure that you don’t repeat this behavior towards your own partner and/or children, as it can cause irreparable harm.
7. Enmeshment.
You may not be familiar with this term, but you’ve likely experienced it at some point. It’s a form of extreme emotional closeness in which one person involves themselves in another’s life to a point where personal autonomy and identity blur, and personal boundaries are almost nonexistent. When this occurs between adults, they have difficulty determining their own needs, thoughts, and emotions as being separate from those of their partner.
In enmeshed family dynamics, a parent might cross healthy boundaries, such as discussing intimate details about their marriage with their young child. They essentially treat the child as a therapist, and insist that their offspring is their “best friend”. This is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic that can cause lasting damage, both to the individuals and between family members.
8. Forced affection.
Maybe one of your parents insisted that the other kiss them goodbye before they left for work. Or they demanded to be shown affection during an argument, even when tensions were running high. Alternatively, they may have forced the children to hug or kiss relatives (or friends of the family) even when they could see how uncomfortable they were.
Forced affection is never acceptable, but many people end up repeating that kind of toxic family dynamic in their own relationships — whether with their partners or their children. Or both.
For example, you might have argued with your spouse or disciplined one of your kids, and then demanded that they hug you and tell you that they love you so that you felt better about the situation, regardless of whether they wanted to do so or not.
This type of forced affection isn’t just toxic: it’s a form of abuse. If you’ve been doing this in your own relationships, stop this immediately. Furthermore, express that you’ve done so because you didn’t know better at the time, and ensure that everyone knows it won’t happen again in the future.
Final thoughts…
If you’re having difficulty breaking free from these toxic relationship patterns on your own, don’t hesitate to seek help from a therapist. Many people don’t know where to start unravelling the formative conditioning they were exposed to early in life, so some guidance in that regard can be immensely helpful to you.
You may have been shaped by your upbringing, but you aren’t constrained by it. With conscious effort and consistent practice, you can break free from old, toxic patterns and lead a happier, more fulfilled life with those you love.
