Our identities are integral aspects of who we are. Some people strongly identify with their gender or religion as a fundamental part of their existence, while others draw heavily from their creativity, physical strength, or intellectual prowess.
People often draw their identity from past life experiences and the values they developed from them, as our pasts greatly inform who we become.
As such, those who build an identity around self-sufficiency are also drawing from past experiences, and not all of them are pleasant. In fact, they may still carry a great deal of unresolved emotional baggage from all they’ve been through.
8 types of unresolved emotional baggage linked to fierce self-sufficiency:
1. A need for control borne from surviving chaotic circumstances.
Many people who feel an intense need to be self-sufficient had little control over their lives when they were younger. They didn’t have the support they needed at the time, and they may have been trapped in chaotic circumstances they had no say in ameliorating.
As a result, they may end up being quite controlling when they grow up. This control may center around their own lives, as well as being directed towards others.
For example, if Bad Things happened in the past because of other people’s mistakes and unpredictability, they may have learned to be hypervigilant and take care of everything themselves to avoid repeating those errors.
Whilst it’s a protective mechanism, it can lead to micromanaging behavior in an attempt to keep their world from imploding.
2. Parentification in childhood.
Many people who are immensely self-sufficient became that way because they had no other choice.
This often happens when a person was given a great deal of responsibility in their early life, such as having to be responsible for doing a lot of household chores or caring for their younger siblings.
Having been conditioned for this kind of behavior in their early lives, they may automatically take on a parent-like role with those around them in adulthood.
For example, they might take charge of everything instead of giving others the chance to prove themselves or carry their share of responsibility.
Whilst it may feel helpful, it can cause problems in their personal relationships. They may choose to shoulder all tasks themselves so they’re done “right” or they may condescend to others they feel aren’t as capable as they are. Neither of which usually ends well.
3. Having your needs invalidated in childhood.
People whose needs were dismissed, ignored, or even mocked by their parents and caregivers in childhood often learned early that they were the only person they could depend upon.
Instead of providing them with emotional safety, those who were supposed to take care of them betrayed their trust and failed them at every turn.
They learn early that vulnerability equals danger, so as adults, they don’t allow themselves to show weakness. As a result, they keep their connections lighthearted and superficial, as they expect to be betrayed or let down again at any given moment.
And when that outcome inevitably occurs, their avoidant attachment style allows them to withdraw or cut ties quickly as a means of self-preservation.
This is the type of attachment style I’ve had since childhood, and it’s been very difficult to move past.
In my youth, my go-to response to any conflict or upheaval with a person was to sever the connection and never look back, rather than risking personal harm by trying to find resolution.
4. Fear of experiencing helplessness again.
Those who are extremely self-sufficient often grew up in situations where they felt small and helpless often.
The environments they experienced were often so awful that anything that even vaguely reminds them of what they went through can cause a severe reaction, even if it’s completely different.
Essentially, if they find themselves in a position where they can’t handle everything on their own, it reminds them of a time when they were little, helpless, and at someone else’s mercy.
Even though the circumstances may be completely different, their inner child has difficulty differentiating between the two.
5. Being denied help in the past or being made to feel “too much” for needing help.
An extremely self-sufficient person may pride themselves on their ability to do anything and everything themselves. This is especially true if they have a wide range of abilities across numerous genres.
Of course, one of the reasons why they became so capable to begin with is likely that they didn’t receive help when they needed it in the past, even when they asked for it, or because they were made to feel like their needs were too much.
As a result, they learned that nobody would be there for them but themselves. Because of this, they don’t trust anyone else to step up and help them, so they don’t ask, even when they desperately need support.
They’re so used to others letting them down, and feeling humiliated when they did reach out for assistance, that they refuse to do so unless there’s literally no other choice.
6. Having your trust or faith in others repeatedly broken.
A person who has been lied to repeatedly and betrayed by those they dared to trust is a person who refuses to lower their guard and trust anyone else, ever again.
This is another foundational block to their self-sufficiency: they’ve learned that if they trust someone else to take care of something that’s important to them, they’ll end up either disappointed or utterly devastated.
It can take years for them to develop enough trust in someone to allow them to do the simplest things for them, like pick up their mail or water their plants while they’re away. And even then, they may still double-check or monitor things to make sure they were actually taken care of as promised.
7. Learning early that vulnerability results in mistreatment.
This person could be going through cancer treatment, suffering a miscarriage in silence, or be walking around on a broken toe, and you’d never know it.
This is because they likely discovered early in life that showing any kind of vulnerability would result in them being mistreated, so they grit their teeth and bear whatever unfolds.
They’ll make jokes while in excruciating pain and be dismissive about things that are causing them real damage.
Worryingly, this behavior can actually be seriously detrimental in medical situations. They’ve developed such a high pain threshold that medical professionals may not believe them when they describe how much pain they’re in, since others experiencing that same pain would be writhing on the floor or fainting.
8. Being conditioned to believe you’re responsible for fixing everyone else’s problems and keeping everyone happy.
A person who has always been expected to fix everyone else’s life issues will feel obligated to do so even when the issue isn’t theirs to carry.
It’s a common problem in women who are often raised with the “good girl” rhetoric encouraging them to be endlessly kind, empathetic, and helpful.
For example, if a friend tells them in passing that they think they’re going to be fired, they may take it upon themselves to look for jobs for them and give them a big list of options to apply to.
It wasn’t their responsibility to do so, nor did their friend ask for help: they just took it upon themselves to do it. They may be exhausted and burned out, but will still feel obligated to step up and solve this problem simply because they can.
They’ve been inundated with messaging from day one that if someone expresses a problem to them, it’s their responsibility to both carry and fix it. It can take a long time to undo this response, and they often feel a great deal of guilt in the process.
Final thoughts…
We all have baggage from our past experiences. The key is to learn how to resolve it in a healthy manner or use it to our advantage so we don’t end up collapsing beneath the weight of it all.
If your self-sufficiency has developed because others have perpetually let you down, you may not even be aware that you’re doing the things we’ve touched upon here.
While you may not be able to undo the damage that your past experiences have caused, hopefully now you can become aware enough of your behaviors to keep them when they serve you, and curb them when they’re doing you more harm than good.
