Are you familiar with the concept of reparenting? It’s essentially a process in which you tend to your inner child in a loving and nurturing way — giving yourself the security, attention, care, and reassurance that your own parents failed to give you during your childhood.
Whilst this will seem foreign to those who were blessed with a healthy upbringing, those who grew up in dysfunctional families often have a deeply wounded inner child that needs to be healed in order to live life in a stable, healthy manner. If the latter describes your situation, here are some effective reparenting practices that may help you do exactly that.
1. Speak kindly to yourself instead of echoing others’ harsh words.
When you were a child, it’s likely that those around you insulted you and made fun of you instead of being encouraging and complimentary. As a result, you probably now echo the things that they said to you, calling yourself ugly, stupid, unlovable, or other cruelties similar to those that were inflicted upon you.
Whenever you find that you’re being cruel to yourself, focus on something kind and positive instead. Bring attention to your kind smile, your generous nature, your beautiful eyes, how talented you are at the crafts you love. Be as kind to yourself as you would to your own child, or any other little one whom you adore.
2. Focus on praise rather than condemnation.
In many places around the world, children’s behavior is corrected with praise rather than punishment. This makes kids feel great about themselves, and as a result, they course-correct in order to keep getting praise and reassurance instead of reprimands. However, the opposite is also true. So if you were raised in an environment where you were constantly punished for being a kid and not doing everything right just yet, then you likely engage in a lot of negative self-talk — especially when and if you feel that you’ve made a mistake.
Curb this behavior by focusing on praise and positivity, especially when you don’t feel that it’s deserved. For instance, if you said something awkward in a social situation and find yourself spiralling with thoughts like “I’m so stupid, why did I say that?” stop and redirect. Praise yourself for being brave enough to engage socially in the first place, especially if that’s difficult for you. And recognize that you cared enough about the conversation to participate, even if it didn’t come out perfectly.
3. Reframe past experiences and perspectives through a lens of truth, rather than how the picture was painted by others.
When you think about some of the traumatic things that happened when you were a child, be aware that you’re seeing them through the lens of a child’s eyes, rather than the full picture. As such, you may be carrying old pain that should never have been yours to carry. A perfect example of this would be someone who has been condemned for years for accidentally killing a pet hamster when they were a toddler, when they should never have been allowed to hold that little animal unsupervised in the first place.
In my case, I was always blamed for having given my infant sister the whooping cough when I was five years old. Looking back at old photos, there’s no way my 40-pound self could have hoisted my 10-pound sister out of her crib and onto my lap for a cuddle: someone put her in my arms. Quite often, parents who feel guilty about past transgressions project that guilt and self-loathing onto their child, so they don’t have to carry the weight of their own responsibility.
4. Hold your own hand, both physically and metaphorically.
When things feel scary or heavy, make a point of adjusting your inner voice as though you’re both the parent and the child, creating a dialogue that serves both. This way, you can soothe the inner child who’s feeling scared and vulnerable by being the parent that you should have had when you were young.
A Sufi friend of mine said that this is one technique they use for helping children learn how to self-soothe with strength and reassurance as they age. When you’re feeling shaky, clasp both your hands together, envisioning a strong, protective adult holding your hand as you grasp theirs. Then say: “I’ve got you. We can handle this, and no matter what happens, we’ll get through it together.”
5. Practice reassuring rituals.
If a small child you loved dearly was having a rough time, how would you respond to them? You’d likely try to reassure them the best way you could, and that may include a little ritual that can offer structure and groundedness as well as a sincerely soothing effect.
The next time you’re feeling frayed, tend your inner child with a calming bath — maybe with lavender added to it — a cup of chamomile tea, and a gentle audiobook. Aim for something YA or younger so there’s little to no violence or danger in it, like The Wind in the Willows or Chronicles of Narnia, and so on. Light some candles or dim the lights, and bask in the feeling of safety that envelops you.
6. Ask yourself guiding questions when making a decision.
Those who grew up in unhealthy, condemning households were often berated when it came to decision-making. They were either told to hurry up and decide before they had thought it through properly, or told that they were stupid and making the wrong decision when they finally did choose something. As such, they often grow up to doubt themselves and hand decision-making over to others to do for them.
Now, when and if a decision has to be made, ask yourself gentle, guiding questions about the situation at hand. Do you have all the details? What do you think would be the most beneficial outcome? Do you anticipate any struggles with this option? By taking this route, you learn to trust your own intuition instead of asking others for help, and make choices that meet your own needs rather than making others happy at your expense.
7. Eat healthy, nourishing meals that also bring you joy.
We all know how important it is to eat healthy, nourishing food, but many of us abandon whimsy as we get older in favor of aesthetics and “smarter choices”. Being orthorexic or limiting joy for the sake of “adulting” makes eating a chore rather than a pleasant experience.
This is where you nourish your inner child with a combination of nutrient density and whimsy, instead of powering through kale smoothies and poached fish. If eating dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets on occasion makes you happy, or if opening a bento box full of animal-shaped veggies and onigiri brings joy to your workday, then make it so.
8. Rest without justification or explanation.
Most people understand and recognize that kids need to rest because they’re still growing, but expect adults to keep powering through all the time without any rest or relaxation. The only exception to this is when someone is too sick to get out of bed. Basically, the only time adults are “allowed” to rest is if they can justify this action to suit other people’s expectations and judgment.
But rest is crucial at any age because it’s when we sleep that our bodies have the opportunity to repair damage and reduce inflammation. You don’t need to “earn” rest, nor do you need to justify it to anyone. Sleep when you need to, nap often, put your feet up, and do things that replenish your soul.
9. Protect yourself the way you would have wanted your parent(s) to protect you.
Most emotionally neglected children will have experienced things in their lives that caused them some degree of harm, and we felt immensely betrayed when our parents didn’t step up and defend or protect us. For example, you might have an uncle who tickled you despite being told “no,” though gasping tears, or a teacher who falsely accused you of something, and your parents didn’t do a thing about it.
Now, you get to be the advocate and protector that you always needed when you were a child. If you have to interact with relatives who try to disrespect or mistreat you, call them out on their crap and refuse to tolerate it. Should you deal with unfair accusations or implications at work or with healthcare professionals, demand respect and follow up with legal action if needed. Be your own superhero, and feel your inner child bask in the light you emit.
Final thoughts…
We can’t go back in time to repair the wounds that others have inflicted upon us, but when those old scars open up and begin to itch or bleed, we can soothe them with balms and loving care instead of ignoring them or insulting ourselves for perceived weakness.
Every molecule in our bodies responds well to loving kindness. By using these gentle reparenting practices, you’ll likely discover that your inner child is healing, growing, and unfurling instead of remaining small and scared.
