Raise your hand if you have ever needed to accept a truth that you absolutely don’t want or feel ready to accept.
*Ali raises hand.*
It’s hard, and I mean hard, to do. The most brutal part is that we know somewhere deep down what that truth is; we just don’t want to go there.
So what do we do?
We do the following things. And if you’re currently in denial about something, you’ll probably relate to them.
7 telltale behaviors of someone who is in denial about a truth they’re not ready to accept:
1. The pattern is there, but you keep telling yourself you might be the exception to the rule.
Imagine you meet someone, and you both want to be together, but not quite in the same way, or not quite at the same time. Twenty years pass, and you still haven’t got the relationship you’ve been hoping for. Each time you’re ready, they’re not. Each time they’re ready, you’re not.
We all know how this ends, so let’s not romanticize it. It’s not a movie: it’s a clear, repeating pattern that you need to wake up and realize is playing out.
Yet you convince yourself that your situation is somehow different from all the similar situations you’ve seen play out before. You see relationships like this end in disappointment for other people, but tell yourself that yours will be the exception.
Patterns like this don’t just apply to relationships, of course. They appear in any area of life, from money to career, from health to friendships. My point is, if you keep convincing yourself that you’ll be the exception to a pattern that’s repeated itself since time began, you’ll stay stuck exactly where you are, waiting for an outcome that may never arrive.
Then what?
2. You keep moving the goalposts for how bad things need to get.
“I’ll wait for it to be that bad.”
What a phrase. You could be in some kind of crossfire, with explosions going off all around you, but you know what? Maybe you could make a hot chocolate and wait for it to get a bit worse, then you might believe it.
Only you won’t, really. Because when it gets a bit worse, you’ll just move the goalposts a little bit more.
I think this is such a heartbreaking stage of denial. Someone who really wants a certain outcome will use that hope as a driving force to offer yet more patience, more “commitment,” more chances.
“If my boss shouts at me one more time, then I’ll quit.”
“If I feel this way in six months, then I’ll take it seriously”
“If they cheat again, then I’ll leave.”
Stop! You are already in the depths of hell, and you’re waiting for what, exactly?
You aren’t waiting for more information at this point. You’re waiting for certainty, and you’re never going to get that. And every time you move the goalposts, all you’re doing is giving yourself another reason to avoid accepting what you already know deep down.
3. You make excuses for things you would call out in a friend’s life.
It’s funny how we tolerate the very things that we tell our friends to walk away from, isn’t it? We’re so quick to say, “No! You’re better than this. You need to see your worth,” while we walk into yet another mistake that is no good for us.
That’s denial for you. We want to think we’re doing the right thing, but we’re so blinded by the thing we want that we ignore that there’s a truth somewhere we probably need to accept.
This is the height of double standards. If what you’re experiencing and denying was happening to your best friend, what you tell and advise them should be your own standards that you also set for yourself.
Of course, it’s hard to put that into practice when you don’t want to see the truth about something or someone. I get that. I’ve been there.
But in the end, you’re only prolonging your pain by prolonging the denial.
4. You say, “It isn’t that bad” while clearly being affected.
Losing sleep, feeling drained, mental and physical exhaustion, crying in the shower every day, snapping at other people, holding back on living because you’re hung up on something or somebody.
You’re affected, and it’s clear, but let me guess…
“It’s not that bad.”
I’ll stop you there.
It’s pretty bad if you’re going through some or all of the above, while trying to convince yourself that everything’s fine.
If you’re downplaying your struggles, then you’re probably wanting to convince yourself, as well as others, that you’re fine, not stressed, overwhelmed, or hurting.
It can be much easier to do this rather than acknowledge and notice the scale of what’s going on inside you, but I assure you of one thing:
You’re not fine.
5. You wait for just “one little sign” that reality is about to change.
“Maybe this conversation will be the one that gets through to them.”
“Maybe they’ll finally understand where I’m coming from.”
“Maybe they’ll start putting the same effort in that I do.”
“Maybe things will improve once this big project is out of the way.”
You hold on because you just know there’s going to be a positive change ahead. You look out for that one little sign, because it will be the thing that bridges the gap between what you want and actually getting that thing.
But how likely is that, really, if you’ve already waited this long?
Not very.
I’m a fan of the phrase, “It is what it is,” to the point where I annoy people when I say it.
We get caught in traffic. It is what it is.
I don’t speak to two members of my direct family because they’re harmful to me. It is what it is.
I miss out on concert tickets. It is what it is.
I don’t say it to grate on everyone; I say it because, well, it is what it is.
I can’t change any of it. I can’t magic up the perfect family. I can’t turn my car into a plane and fly over the traffic jam. So I just accept it and deal with it accordingly.
Holding out for a little sign that things will finally change usually just means you’re hanging on for something that will never come rather than accepting “it is what it is.” But of course, doing so allows you to live in hope, which is far nicer than saying, “Yeah. This is the truth, and I need to sit with it.”
6. You look for people who will reassure you that there’s still hope.
Denial is a survival strategy. It’s a defense mechanism.
It’s the grieving wife still setting the table for her husband after his death because she cannot stand the idea of accepting that he’s no longer there. It’s refusing to admit that you’re unhappy in your relationship, because it’s easier to pretend like everything’s fine than change your entire life.
Breaking out of denial means you have to accept a difficult reality or make a big change, and that’s hard.
That’s why people look for validation from other people about remaining where they are, and avoid those who challenge them:
“It’s okay to feel how you feel.”
“Hope is something you should never let go of.”
“Keep trying.”
“Never give up.”
It may sound inspirational and supportive, and it can be, but in the wrong situation, these messages can keep us stuck long after reality has changed.
Before you know it, ten years have passed, and there you are, still living in a fantasy world that’s more nightmare than dream.
7. Your behavior is irritating to others who can see the problem that you’re avoiding.
My best friend gets so irritated with me when I do this about one particular situation I struggle to let go of.
“You’re too good for this!” “You can’t see the truth!” “I can NOT.” “What are you doing?!”
It’s a situation that I should end. Not just temporarily, but for good. Yet I’ve shrugged and said, “Well, maybe things will change. I will leave it open and see what happens.”
She gets irritated, to say the least. She sees that I keep falling into the same pattern, with the same outcome, and I avoid putting it to bed finally. She can see what my life would be like if I were free from it, and she just wants to protect me.
In truth, this one particular thing I’m just not ready to let go of yet, and that’s the root of the problem. The good thing is, I’m at least aware of this, and that’s always the first step.
Final thoughts…
Our brain will do anything to protect us from pain. If you are clinging to the hope that a person loves you, or that your relationship is healthy, or that your job is good for you, then any evidence that challenges that hope can feel incredibly difficult to face.
The truth might be that you’ve been ghosted, treated poorly, or cheated on. It might be that your so-called friends are using you. It might be that you’re coming home from work in tears because your job is so exhausting.
Accepting those truths often means accepting loss, disappointment, grief, or the need to make a difficult change, and that’s what makes denial so appealing.
But we all know that in the long run, the longer you deny the truth, the more pain you are going to put yourself through.
How long are you prepared to suffer through that?
