It takes a small person to want to make others feel small or foolish. Yet we regularly run into these people at home, at work, or out in public.
People who are passive-aggressive or who fear direct confrontation will often rely on certain phrases to try to undermine you. They may want to shake your confidence or bring you down to their level.
A lot of the time, this kind of behavior is rooted in low self-esteem and self-worth. After all, a person with a healthy sense of self-esteem wouldn’t want to make others feel small. If someone uses one of these phrases, it usually says more about them than it says about you.
8 phrases people use to try to make you feel small or foolish:
1. “It was just a joke. Can’t you take a joke?”
Cowards tend to hide their passive-aggressiveness or socially unpopular opinions behind jokes. That is, they either make bad jokes or claim that something is “just a joke” when it’s poorly received. It’s a completely disingenuous way to make it seem like you are the one who is being unreasonable, not them.
The easiest way to deal with this behavior is to look at them and ask them to explain the joke. Say something like, “I don’t understand why that’s funny. Can you explain the joke to me?” That will usually cause them to backpedal and stammer over trying to find an excuse.
Using this technique, I’ve found it quite surprising just how many people genuinely do not seem to think about what they say.
2. “I wouldn’t expect you to get it.”
This condescending remark is meant to make you question your intelligence or experience. It’s used because an insecure person often wants confident people around them to lose confidence so they can feel better about themselves.
A secure person, on the other hand, tends to want to build other people up and is perfectly fine with a more knowledgeable person speaking up. They don’t feel threatened by it.
A good way to handle patronizing remarks is to say something like, “Why don’t you explain it to me so I can understand then?”
This accomplishes one of two goals. If they’re bluffing, they are going to stammer and struggle to explain themselves. If they do happen to know more than you, you can learn from what they have to say.
Adopting a non-hostile approach is the best way to go about it because you keep your self-respect intact, and other people witnessing the conversation are going to see how diplomatically you handled it.
3. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
A person who is flailing in a conversation or heated discussion may resort to personal attacks to maintain or reassert their dominant position.
Saying something like “You don’t know what you’re talking about” is meant to attack your intelligence and credibility rather than addressing the actual argument. It’s a distraction technique. If they had the facts on their side, they would argue the facts. That’s why they shift.
Keep them from gaining traction by staying focused on the actual discussion at hand. I would then use an approach like, “Then prove me wrong. What information am I missing?” That way, you shine the light back on them. Not only that, but if you do happen to be wrong, you don’t look like a jerk.
4. “You’re being too sensitive.”
Sometimes, people with contrary or unsavory opinions will try to make it seem like everyone else is being unreasonable or too sensitive.
It’s a tactic you see racist people use when they make a racist comment, but then try to downplay your reaction by claiming it’s not racist and you’re just too sensitive.
Racists, sexists, and other people with crappy opinions often want to hide behind a mask of plausible deniability.
Don’t let them. You’re most likely not being too sensitive, but you’ll have to stand up for that. They aren’t likely to just back down when called out. Instead, they’ll try to blame it on you, maintain that you’re too sensitive, and walk it back. At this point, you can set a boundary and inform them, “Don’t make those comments to me in the future.”
5. “I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”
Really? They’re surprised that there is a totally normal and legitimate gap in my knowledge when this world is just chock full of things to know?
No one can know everything. Not even close. Even if you’re an expert in your field, there are still things that you won’t know. Personally, the more I learn about a subject, the more questions I tend to have because I start seeing where the gaps are.
This phrase is an attempt to shame you, make you feel small, and bolster the speaker at your expense. It’s the kind of thing that someone with low self-esteem does to make themselves feel superior.
I find an easy reply for this one is, “Yep. There’s a lot of things I don’t know,” and move on. They want my reaction and energy, but I don’t give it.
6. “You’re making it more complicated than it is.”
I find that the people who use this phrase passive-aggressively are often trying to “fake it ’til they make it.”
That’s a piece of advice that’s been floated around so much that some people treat it as gospel. The problem is that it doesn’t work in a lot of situations. There are situations that require things like facts and details. Like, in the workplace, there may be specific processes or details that do matter to the outcome.
A person who is bluffing, who can’t admit they are wrong or don’t know something, may try to make you look like you don’t understand it by using this phrase.
Alternatively, they may not know the subject well enough to actually know what information they’re missing. Either way, stand your ground if you feel like it is actually that complicated. The facts will speak for themselves.
7. “No one else seems to have a problem.”
This statement is a tactic used to make you second-guess yourself. The other person is trying to use peer pressure to invalidate your emotions by comparing them to the rest of the group.
But just because the group is in consensus doesn’t mean they’re right. Additionally, the people who are silent may not agree or understand at all. They’re just staying quiet about it.
I lean into it when someone uses this phrase. “Yes, I do have a problem. My problem is this…” and then I specifically lay out the problem while avoiding any kind of personal attacks. The best defense you can use is to state the facts of a situation.
However, even if it’s a matter of opinion, not fact, you still have a right to disagree respectfully. Stand by it if that’s what you truly believe.
8. “You’ll understand when you’re more experienced.”
People with low self-esteem often make subtle jabs like this to make you question your intelligence.
It could also be that they are trying to position themselves as your intellectual superior so they can somehow take advantage of that. For example, a coworker might do that to make themselves seem more competent than they are while making you seem less competent than you are.
Pay attention to the context of the statement. Sometimes this phrase can just be an innocent observation. However, it could also be thinly-veiled condescension. So consider: does this person make statements like this often? If they do, then it’s more likely condescension.
The best approach for dealing with condescending people is the direct one. I would reply with something like, “I don’t appreciate being spoken down to. My experience and knowledge are valid, too.”
Final thoughts…
All of these statements are used as weapons in different ways.
Some are meant to cause you to question yourself, make you feel emotionally smaller, or establish a false sense of superiority. However, they do all have one thing in common: all of them are trying to take the attention away from whatever the point is.
Most people will rely on the facts if the facts are on their side. When they’re not, then they will shift to ad hominem attacks or changing the subject. Pay attention to which phrases people use and when. Repeated issues indicate a problem more significant than a simple miscommunication or awkward phrasing.
