Many of us have felt insecure at times, wondering whether those close to us are sincerely our friends or not. This can stem from imposter syndrome, feelings of inadequacy, or social anxiety, and are almost always unfounded.
There are times, however, when we get a nagging feeling that someone’s just pretending to be our friend because they’re benefiting from the situation, and these feelings are worth paying attention to. Take a look at the revealing behaviors listed here. If any of them seem to ring true for you, then the person you’re thinking about may not be a true friend at all.
1. They only contact you when they need something.
When you think about this person, ask yourself whether they ever reach out just to see how you’re doing, or because they were thinking fondly of you, or if they only contact you when they need (or want) something from you.
Do months go by between texts or phone calls, only for you to find out that they need help moving something heavy? Or you won’t hear from them for ages until they’re heartbroken about a breakup or family drama and need your support?
People who behave in this manner generally associate you with a particular use on their part, rather than appreciating you as an individual or treating you respectfully, as a cherished friend.
2. They’re keen to benefit from you, but they rarely reciprocate.
A person like this isn’t your friend because they sincerely care about you, but because they benefit greatly from the advantages you provide.
Years ago, when I was working as a music journalist, I got free tickets and press passes to countless concerts and events. At the time, I was sharing a house with a “friend” who always looked forward to seeing which passes I had received, because I’d often invite her along — either because I got extras to give away, or because I needed an assistant to help me with interviews by taking notes or photos.
The benefits were entirely one-sided, however. I can’t tell you how many times I found out about social events she’d attended well after the fact because she posted photos on social media about them, without ever having mentioned them to me. I even discovered that she had been asked specifically to pass invitations along to me, but chose not to do so.
Experiences like that can really make you realize who’s actually your friend, and who’s just using you.
3. They’re quick to change sides against you when it’s advantageous to do so.
There are people who will stick by your side and fight with you when things get difficult, and those who abandon you (or change sides against you) if it seems that they may suffer some negative repercussions via association. They’ll invariably come back around again when and if your star appears to be on the rise once again, expecting you to forget about the dagger they lodged in your back fairly recently.
This is often described as “fair-weather friendship”: only existing as long as things are sunny and bright. As soon as clouds form, threatening a storm on the horizon, they’ll throw you under the bus and run away. Until it benefits them to return, however.
4. Their friendship is shown only in words.
Have you ever had a so-called “friend” who told you in private how much they care about and appreciate you, but pretended not to know you when you were in public? Or even worse, treated you poorly in front of others, especially if they got a laugh out of putting you down or humiliating you somehow?
A person like this isn’t a true friend at all. They only associate with you because they benefit from you somehow, but there’s no true respect or loyalty present. If anyone ever treats you this way, ask yourself how you benefit from the relationship versus how they benefit from you. Chances are, things are terribly one-sided, and they might even put you down regularly in the form of “jokes”, which you’ve tried to brush off. With “friends” like these, one doesn’t need enemies.
5. They show contempt or mockery for the things you love.
When a person truly cares for another, they respect and support what that person loves — even if it doesn’t align with their own interests. If they’re on pretending to care, however, things that are important to that individual may be fuel for mockery and disdain instead. The “friend” in question may even try to force their own preferences on the other, such as sabotaging food orders or tricking that person into attending something they despise.
I was close with someone for years, whom I considered a dear friend. It was someone I loved like a sister. When others asked me why I was friends with someone who made fun of everything I liked and even insulted me on a regular basis, I defended her fiercely and said that was “just how she was.” It wasn’t, however. She wasn’t like that with anyone but me.
It took several years for me to realize that I was little more than an emotional punching bag and support pillar for her. When I pulled away from the friendship, her passive abuse towards me became much more aggressive, and that cleared away any doubts about what our connection had really been like.
6. Other people find out things about you that you told this person in confidence.
It’s devastating when you finally lower your guard enough to trust someone with secret or sensitive details about your life, only to find out that they’ve blabbed what you told them in confidence to others. A situation like this can be particularly difficult if you don’t have other close friends or family members due to past betrayals.
When a person is sincerely your friend, they’re a vault. They’ll take secrets you told them to the grave and will protect you and your peace against anyone who tries to disrupt either. If they don’t — if they use things you shared with them as juicy gossip to endear themselves to others, using you as entertainment — then they’ve only pretended to be your friend. Never trust them again.
7. They “forget” to return your possessions (or replace what they broke).
Considering how many of us are worn thin these days, it’s unsurprising that we’ll forget to do things now and then — especially as we get on in years! That said, there’s a huge difference between accidentally forgetting to return a friend’s book or lawn strimmer and having them deflect you every time you remind them about it.
For most of us, when we lend an item to someone close to us, it’s because we trust them enough to believe that they’ll return it in good condition. A good friend who borrows something and accidentally breaks it will come clean about what happened and offer to either repair or replace the item in question.
Someone who’s just taking advantage of your generosity, however, will either brush off your requests to return said item and keep procrastinating until you drop the issue, or will ghost you because they either don’t want to return it, or broke it and don’t want to bother replacing it. Their actions tell you that you mean less to them than the value of whatever it was they borrowed from you.
Final thoughts…
Friendships can be closer than family when they’re sincere and reciprocated. It’s the basis behind the quote “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”, meaning that chosen bonds and commitments can be far stronger than biological family links. This only holds true with real friendship, however.
If people in your life are displaying the revealing behaviors mentioned above, be very wary around them. There’s a good chance they’re only pretending to be your friend and may betray you horribly when you least expect them to.
