My time as a parent so far has given me plenty of opportunities to connect with my son and encourage his growth by letting him be him. But nobody really tells you about the times you have to be the person your kids are upset with, simply because you’re practicing good parenting.
For you, it’s a case of wanting to raise a well-rounded child, but to your child, you’re so annoying. “Why can’t you just get off my case?” you’ll probably hear them say on more than on occasion.
Sorry, bud, no can do. Personally, I usually follow that with my favorite phrase of all time, which invokes an inevitable eyeroll: “You’ll thank me one day!”
Today is about how, sometimes, being the parent your child is upset with means you’re lining them up to be the person they’ll really want to be in the future.
They really will thank us for these 7 things. One day…
1. Getting that bedtime boundary secured despite objections.
“Never fear, Mother, for I am off to bed to sleep soundly all night at this fortunate hour.”
Yeah, I’m never going to hear those words in my lifetime. Have you?
My son is 12 now, so bedtimes don’t tend to be early, but I spent his early childhood making sure he was up in bed by seven. Sure, I started to get the objections. “But it’s still daylight!” (thanks, summer), “But I’m not tired!” (no, but I am), “Can I have a cookie before bed?” (yes, sugar at bedtime, what a fine idea).
What strikes me, thinking back, was the insistence I placed upon myself to not just put him to bed by that time, but to create a routine that taught him bedtime was coming.
The bath, the closed curtains, the night light, the book he picked, and the cuddles. All those predictable lead-ups to the time the lights go out. Of course, not all kids need the same amount of sleep, and not all kids are wired to fall asleep easily. But those bedtime rituals were not just about getting enough sleep in order to grow up healthy; they were about security, familiarity, and reinforcing the connection between us.
Now, of course, my son does stay up past 7. He listens to classical music as he falls asleep, and he leaves it on low all night. Ages change, routines may vary, but he still values his sleep, and that’s how I know I started off the right way with that bedtime ritual.
2. Creating – and enforcing – consequences when rules are broken.
“If you speak to me like that again, I will send you to your room.”
*Your child speaks to you like that again.*
*You give them the look, but say nothing.*
*They say it again.*
There’s not much being learned here other than your child finding all the ways in the world they can trample someone’s reasonable boundaries.
I love the quote, “Rules without consequences are just suggestions.” It’s so true! Yes, it’s absolutely hard to enforce consequences when you’re exhausted, and your child is having a monumental meltdown. But consequences hold space for accountability, and if you’re never going to give your child any of that, you (and they) might end up with more trouble in the future than you could have ever dreamed of.
3. Limiting their screen time despite their pleas for more.
I’m about to blow your mind with a statistic that, quite frankly, disturbs me: 98% of two-year-olds in the UK watch screens for – on average – more than 2 hours per day.
And I’ll bet it’s similar in America and other parts of the Western world.
If that didn’t make you need to sit down. Here’s another: 40% of three to five-year-olds use social media.
Okay, I’m done. I’m not happy, but I’m done. What I do understand is how easy it is to pacify children with a screen, and I also understand that some children need an avenue of distraction to help them regulate if they’re overwhelmed, and screens offer that.
But it’s a lot, right?
Apps exist where screen time can be capped, and I do believe they make for a great way to monitor it for children. No, you won’t be the world’s most loved parent, and they will beg for more. But that’s got to be preferable to their highly malleable brains being irrevocably rotted.
4. Not coming to each rescue.
Known as the rescue reflex, fixing every problem your child has at the time they have it might seem like the loving solution, but what does the bigger picture look like?
I’m actually thinking about the times I taught my son to tie his shoelaces. My hands were physically jolting because every part of me wanted to reach over and do it for him, but I learned my lesson the day I tried, and he said, “I can do it myself!”
He is a determined and passionate young man, and so I was firmly put in my place, but before that point, I would tie the laces myself for him because it just seemed easier and quicker.
But being a good parent means you do have to let them make mistakes and do things for themselves, even if it’s slow and painful to watch. You don’t have to rush to their school with their homework if they forget it; let them get their detention. It’s so hard, but natural consequences are often the only way they learn for the future to try rather than rely.
5. Encouraging balanced, healthy eating (within the confines of your reality).
Take a deep breath, this one will bite (no pun intended).
If you’re a parent who tries to encourage healthy and varied eating, you’ll know that on some days, the only way you can get fiber into your child is with the good old side slices of cucumber accompanying a meal that otherwise has zero color.
Crisps and cake are so tempting for us all, and they absolutely have a place if you’re to raise a child with a healthy attitude to food. And I’d be lying if I said I’ve never used a sweet snack to pacify my son, but truthfully, we all need a balanced diet. Our bodies need varying vitamins and minerals, and unfortunately, you don’t get that by serving the same food every day.
Yes, you’ll get that look as if to say, “If you think I’m eating that, you’re mistaken,” and they absolutely may not eat it on that occasion, but they definitely won’t eat it if it’s not even an option. And with very gradual, continued exposure, even if only to the look and feel of it, you’re more likely to give your kids the healthiest start to life.
Now, I totally get how different that is for parents who have children who find eating certain foods difficult or even impossible, and I want to make space for you right now because you likely have real battles on your hands. Your child is absolutely not going to become a happy, well-adjusted individual if they are traumatized by food battles.
It’s all about doing your best, within the confines of your reality, rather than being complacent.
6. Pushing them into discomfort if it helps them grow.
My son loved football from a very young age, but never wanted to join the local teams where we live. He was determined never to join in. But one day, he changed his mind, so I put him on a waiting list, and it didn’t take long for him to get to the top of it.
The day came when I walked him to the park for his first training session. He took one look at the team (some of which he knew from school) and shook his head. “I can’t do this,” he mumbled at the tender age of 8. I had a choice at that moment to walk him home or leave him there.
I did the latter, and with tears in his eyes, I left him with one of the coaches. If looks could kill, I’d be worm food.
I picked him up 90 minutes later, and he was beaming. He scored two goals and had a nice grass stain up the side of his shorts to show for it. To this day, he still plays for that same team.
Now, you know your child best. There’s a difference between being a little anxious and so anxious that pushing them is going to cause so much stress that it does more harm than good, both physically and mentally.
But sometimes, you do have to do the thing your child isn’t immediately thanking you for to help them grow.
7. Creating online safety awareness and enforcing boundaries.
Now more than ever, we need online boundaries with kids. I am a firm believer in it, and for that reason, my son still doesn’t have a smartphone (he has an old Nokia that makes calls only). He doesn’t have social media, nor access to it. He does have access to the internet, where I can see his history and monitor where he goes.
We have the talks about the dangers of social media, as well as the beauties of it. I make it known that he has all the time in the world to discover things, and that he will gradually, as he becomes old enough to understand it, but that at 12-years old, it doesn’t all need to be right now.
Then you have the good old ‘stranger safety’ talks, where yes, he only has people he knows personally on his Roblox account, and chatting features are off.
It may seem strict, but you only have to read news stories to know that anybody could be a target. And then there is all manner of algorithm-driven inappropriate content that will leave its mark long after the screen is shut down. It’s not unreasonable to apply strict boundaries to the internet. It may not seem like it now, but growing up with those boundaries and open dialogues is a gift.
Final thoughts…
Your children’s disdain for you will be temporary, I promise! You spend time trying to be that good parent, and you feel like you’re wading through tar, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A child needs to learn how to respect boundaries (and set them), think about what they need rather than what they want, and be aware of the world around them in order to become the person they need to be.
Helping them from an early age often involves taking the longer route along the path with the most resistance, but parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
