Every parent starts out with the best intentions. You want to protect your child, see them succeed, and give them everything you didn’t have growing up. But somewhere between wanting to be a good parent and actually raising resilient, capable humans, many well-meaning approaches go sideways in ways that don’t show up until years later.
The habits that often feel most loving in the moment—the ones that make you feel like you’re doing everything right—might actually be the very things that leave your child struggling as an adult. Here are 10 such habits to look out for.
1. Shielding your child from every failure, disappointment, or struggle.
No healthy parent wants to see their child suffer. It’s crushing to watch, and I speak from experience. But I’ve learned through my own parenting mistakes that when you rush in to fix every problem your child faces, you’re essentially sending the message that they can’t handle life’s inevitable difficulties. It feels protective in the moment, but you’re actually creating learned helplessness and a fear of failure that will follow your child into their thirties (and beyond).
The kid who never experiences manageable failure becomes the college freshman who has a complete breakdown over their first C. They become the adult who calls in sick rather than face a difficult conversation with their boss, or the twenty-five-year-old whose parents are still fighting their battles with employers and landlords. By preventing natural consequences, you rob them of discovering their own resilience.
These overprotected children develop intense anxiety around making mistakes because they never learned failure is survivable—and often extremely valuable. When they eventually encounter situations that their parents can’t control or fix (and they will), they have no internal resources to draw from. The devastating irony is that our fear of watching them struggle creates adults who crumble under normal life pressures.
2. Praising everything your child does, regardless of effort or achievement.
Of course, it’s important to praise our kids, but there’s a balance to be had, and I’ll admit I often struggle with it. When we celebrate every scribble as “amazing artwork” or praise minimal effort with a generic “good job!”, we might think we’re building confidence, but parenting expert and psychologist Dr. Jim Taylor says these meaningless compliments can do a lot of harm.
Excessive (and often unwarranted) praise risks teaching children that their worth comes from external validation rather than genuine accomplishment. You’re essentially training them to wait for someone else’s approval rather than developing internal satisfaction from real effort.
Their response to this constant praise usually goes one of two ways: they either become completely dependent on others’ recognition to feel good about themselves, or they learn to ignore praise entirely because it’s clearly meaningless when everything gets the same enthusiastic response. And neither outcome serves them well in adulthood.
3. Never letting your child be bored or uncomfortable.
There are few things more irritating as a parent than listening to your child moan about being bored. If you’re anything like me, you might find it so triggering that you’ll do anything to make it stop. You might rush to hand them screens, sign them up for yet another club, or jump into elaborate activities the second they say they’re bored.
But child development experts say that parents who immediately provide entertainment the moment children complain of boredom are robbing them of something crucial: the experience of generating their own ideas and finding internal motivation.
Boredom is where children learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings and figure out their own solutions rather than expecting constant external stimulation. More and more these days, children are prevented from experiencing discomfort because the digital age means they have everything at their fingertips as soon as they want it. It’s not the parents’ fault; kids simply don’t have to wait for things like we did when we were younger. But as parents, we can add to this problem by rushing to remove every minor discomfort the second they experience it.
These children often become adults who make impulsive decisions to avoid any negative emotions because they never learned that uncomfortable feelings are temporary and manageable. They struggle with delayed gratification, can’t tolerate waiting, and lack the creative problem-solving skills that develop when children have to entertain themselves. The capacity to handle boredom and mild discomfort is essential for everything in adult life, from working through relationship conflicts to sticking with challenging goals.
4. Giving in to your child’s demands to show love or avoid the fallout.
When you buy every toy they ask for, replace items they’ve lost or broken without consequences, or cave to demands because tantrums are exhausting, you teach children that wanting something means deserving it. Parents who do this often justify it by claiming they want to give their kids everything they didn’t have, but they’re actually creating entitled adults who believe other people exist primarily to meet their desires.
The child who gets everything they want never learns to work toward goals, appreciate what they have, or understand that resources are limited. They don’t develop the resilience that comes from figuring out how to earn something they want, or the deep satisfaction that comes from finally achieving a goal they’ve worked toward over time.
This may struggle with financial responsibility because they never learned delayed gratification and have relationship problems when partners don’t cater to their every whim. They become people who make impulsive purchases they can’t afford, expect others to replace things they’ve lost through carelessness, and feel genuinely confused when the world doesn’t accommodate their preferences the way their parents did throughout childhood.
5. Avoiding difficult conversations about real-world issues to preserve innocence.
It can be hard to know what the right, age-appropriate amount of information is to share with our children. As a result, it can be tempting to steer completely clear of any conversations about death, divorce, financial stress, or current events.
But the problem is, children can often sense the tension adults are experiencing, and in the modern age, they have access to news and information we simply can’t shield them from. Even if you limit their access to screens, you can be sure that they’ll eventually hear about current events from someone else. And finding out about things this way leaves them more vulnerable to anxiety and misinformation.
Overly shielded kids frequently get their information from peers or media sources that provide incomplete or inappropriate details rather than from trusted adults who can frame difficult topics in developmentally appropriate ways. And if they do somehow stay sheltered from bad news, they end up overwhelmed and unprepared when they finally encounter the harsh realities and difficulties that their peers have been processing over time.
6. Rewarding basic expectations and responsibilities with prizes or money.
It can be tempting to pay children for good grades, offer treats for good manners, or provide prizes for cleaning their own mess. It’s effective after all. But it often backfires later on as it teaches kids that basic contribution and courtesy are exceptional services that should be rewarded. You think you’re motivating good behavior (and you probably are), but you’re also undermining their intrinsic motivation and creating transactional relationships.
These children learn to expect external rewards for behaviors that should come from internal satisfaction or for things that are just a normal and expected part of adult life. They become people who constantly calculate what they’ll get for doing things rather than understanding that contribution, courtesy, and achievement often provide their own rewards through improved relationships, personal growth, and community building that benefits everyone, including themselves.
7. Trying to be the “perfect” parent who never makes mistakes or shows human emotions.
Parents who never apologize when wrong, hide all negative emotions, or pretend to have everything figured out create unrealistic expectations that burden children with impossible standards. If you’ve fallen prey to this, you might think you’re providing stability, but children who never see adults work through challenges, admit mistakes, or show appropriate vulnerability don’t learn that imperfection is part of being human.
These children often develop intense anxiety about making errors because they believe competent people don’t struggle or make mistakes. They put enormous pressure on themselves to appear flawless because that’s what they’ve observed, missing opportunities to learn that relationships involve repair when mistakes happen and that authenticity creates deeper connections than perfectionism.
Children need to see parents model healthy ways to handle challenges—including apologizing for errors, expressing appropriate emotions, and demonstrating how to work through difficulties rather than pretending they don’t exist.
8. Making excuses for your child’s “poor” behavior instead of addressing it.
Now this is a tricky one. As a parent to a child with additional needs, there are times when their behavior would be seen as inappropriate by society, when in reality, they are responding to their needs not being met. So of course I’m going to explain their behavior within that context. That said, whilst society should absolutely accommodate my child, I also need to teach them how to best manage their needs (and therefore their behavior).
It’s no different, really, for children without additional needs. As the saying goes, “all behavior is communication.” That applies to all kids, and what it means is that often a child’s behavior is their way of trying to communicate an unmet need (or want). But rather than simply excuse the behavior as out of their control, our job is to teach them how to communicate that need (or want) differently, and ultimately to help to figure out how to ensure that need is already met before it becomes too overwhelming. Or how to handle the discomfort of not always having their wants met.
Unless your child truly has no control over their actions, then accountability and self-control are vital skills to learn. Otherwise, you risk raising an adult child who blames their boss for their own laziness, partners for relationship conflicts, and external circumstances for their own poor decisions.
One key thing to keep in mind, though: it’s always worth considering whether your child’s behavior in question is actually “poor.” A lot of the time, it’s only deemed “poor” because at some point, the society we live in decided it was. If the behavior isn’t actually hurting anyone and is simply a reflection of your child being their natural selves, I’d question why you feel the need to excuse it anyway.
9. Treating your child like they’re more mature than they actually are developmentally.
A lot of parents (myself included) fall into the trap of applying adult logic to children’s behavior. We forget that their brains literally don’t mature until they’re about 30, and we expect them to be able to respond to situations with a skill they simply cannot develop yet.
This might look like expecting a four-year-old to “use their words” during emotional meltdowns, reprimanding a young child for impulsive or inattentive behavior, or expecting teenagers to have adult-level emotional control. Frustrating though these behaviors are, and tempting as it is to try and reprimand them until they learn, they simply cannot learn quicker than their brain is ready for.
What’s more, when parents interpret normal developmental behaviors as defiance rather than age-appropriate responses, they miss opportunities to provide appropriate guidance that matches children’s actual capacity. Kids need adults who understand their limitations and offer support that helps them grow, rather than criticism for not already being grown.
10. Using academic achievement as the primary measure of your child’s worth and success.
In today’s success and productivity-oriented world, it’s hard not to fall prey to the idea that our worth is directly linked to our achievement or output. It’s natural, then, that well-meaning parents pass down this belief to their kids. And whilst personal success is important, it’s not always the answer to a happy, healthy life. What’s more, success can, and should, mean different things to different people.
Whilst education is important, children with different learning styles, interests, or abilities often end up feeling like complete failures when academic achievement becomes the sole measure of family worth. It also prevents children from developing emotional intelligence, creativity, practical skills, and social competence that are equally crucial for life satisfaction and success.
Worst of all, they learn to believe that their worth is not inherent, which leads to all manner of problems in adult life, such as overworking to the point of burnout, people pleasing, chronic pain, and mental health problems (I could go on).
Final thoughts…
Recognizing these patterns means getting honest about whether your parenting choices serve your child’s long-term development or your own need to feel like you’re doing everything right. There’s a bizarre irony in that the approaches that often feel most protective and loving often prevent children from developing the resilience, independence, and life skills they’ll desperately need as adults.
As much as it sometimes pains me, I’m beginning to realize that a parent’s job isn’t to eliminate struggle from their children’s lives but to help them build the internal resources to handle difficulty with confidence and competence.
