I have a question for you: do you like to think you’re sparing someone’s feelings so that you don’t hurt them, or are you doing it to protect yourself from potential conflict?
Here’s another question: Do you think honesty and cruelty are synonymous?
If you answer yes to either or both, you’ll want to stick around for this, because I have the mother of all newsflashes for you…
…You don’t have to spare the feelings of people if honesty will be the thing that helps them in the long run.
It’s a form of kindness. Even though it seems as though you’re choosing to be unkind, there are certain times when doing so is, indeed, your better option. Here are 8 of them:
1. When someone keeps making the same mistake on loop.
Someone very close to me is in the midst of leaving a narcissistic marriage. They live in jointly owned properties, but separately. He visits the house she lives in all the time without warning, but she cannot do the same to where he lives.
Every time a problem occurs with the house, she calls him. “The windows won’t open.” “The boiler isn’t firing up.” “The tap in the kitchen is constantly dripping.”
Guess what happens?
“Yeah, I’ll call someone when I get a minute.” “Okay, leave it with me.”
You don’t have to be psychic to know that these issues don’t get resolved, and what’s more, they keep perpetuating the toxic dynamic.
I had to say something. “You do realize what you’re doing here, don’t you? You’re giving him every reason to have control over you, rather than take it upon yourself to find someone to fix the boiler. You’re repeating the same mistake and staying stuck in this toxic dynamic.”
Cue the wide eyes. Cue the gulp. Cue me ready to be told where to go.
“You’re right,” she muttered. Together, we got a list of local tradespeople who could solve each issue.
Of course, that won’t always be the outcome. People need to be able to face the reality. But still, you won’t know unless you speak up.
It’s kinder to just tactfully say it how it is, because sometimes it’s the only way to get through to someone you see who is struggling.
2. When you outwardly agree but internally want to scream.
We agree to keep the peace, or to not hurt the feelings of another. But there are times when that’s just not going to cut the mustard.
“Sure, that’d be fine.” Whilst you scream inwardly. You did not want to say yes, and it is most certainly not fine; only here you are with a smile and a plan that you are now dreading in the diary.
Or maybe you try and make an excuse and overexplain, and it gives that person even more fuel to push you into complying with them.
So you end up going along with it, and then resenting them for it, which sours the relationship over time.
You may feel stuck, but you’re not. There is another option.
How about, “No, sorry” or “Sorry, I can’t.” No explaining, no justification, no reason.
Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind, and in this instance, that kindness is not only to them, but to yourself.
3. When a relationship of any sort is out of balance.
“It’s okay, I can take the bins out.” “Don’t worry, I’ll make dinner.” “I can change the bed sheets.” “It’s alright, we don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”
What is all of this? You take everything on and live so that your partner or roommate or friend is comfortable? You don’t want to hurt their feelings by asking them to pitch in and clean the house they also live in?
No, not on my watch.
Honesty sometimes needs to be, “I feel as though I’ve made dinner a lot recently. Could you take over tonight for a change?” “I know you might not want to talk, but if we avoid it, it’ll only get worse.”
It takes courage to speak up when there’s an imbalance. But having the courage to do so is far better than having to dig for the energy to maintain a relationship that should be the job of two people, while resentment slowly destroys it anyway.
4. When a loved one is heading toward a path of harm.
I wonder how relevant this is for you. The good thing about having loved ones who really care about us is that they happily jump in when we want them (and at times, when we really didn’t want them, but certainly needed them).
If you know someone close to you who is walking down a path of self-destruction, it probably feels like the only option to them. Times can get so low that we really don’t care what damage we cause to ourselves or our lives, but that’s where you come in.
This is one time where a truth can really sting, but what’s the alternative? Watching them spiral even more? Whatever’s going on in their life, it’s going to be worse than your directness.
They might not act on your words straight away, or even at all, but at least you can rest easy knowing you tried. And in the long run, they may come to appreciate, and even thank you for your honesty.
5. When a parent is overstepping in your adult life.
“I’m not a kid anymore.” In other words, please let me make my own choices, and potentially, fall into my own mistakes, because I am an adult, and I need my independence.
You can skirt around their control all you like, but until you politely but firmly say what you really mean, an overstepping, or even controlling parent will still feel it’s their right.
Trust me, I’ve been there. If they care, they’ll stick around. If they were only in it to be in charge, they’ll call you names and disappear (you can survive the latter – I did).
At the end of the day, it’s your life, so your choices come first. What you want needs a chance to live and breathe; otherwise, who are you even living for?
6. When you can see a friend or relative in an abusive relationship.
“I see what he’s doing to you.” “Why does she treat you that way?”
Calling out physical or emotional abuse is a big thing, especially for victims who’re used to either not being believed or not even being listened to in the first place.
Your words have the potential to change the course of someone’s life, so I firmly believe that being honest about what you’ve noticed when it comes to abuse is crucial.
Above all else, it serves to validate the person’s experience and shows them that you have their back.
Sadly, yes, you’ll get times when they will defend their abuser and make excuses for them. That’s all down to the trauma bond between the couple, and how it serves to protect and defend people who are toxic.
But at least you’ve let them know that you see what is happening, and that you’re there for them if and when they do decide to leave.
7. When someone close to you has ailing health, and they evidently need support.
Seeing someone close to you lose independence or deteriorate in health is not always a walk in the park, whether that’s through aging, chronic illness, or any other reason.
People often snap at those they love the most, and speaking the truth in this situation can be one of those times when you do get a bark back. But it’ll be worth it if you can make their life more comfortable.
That might mean being assertive when it comes to mobility aids, or a trip to the doctor to check for health changes or concerns.
You’ve got to just be straight, and let their stubbornness roll over your head. They just might be scared of their changing ability, and they will eventually see that your honesty comes from a loving place.
Feelings matter less on this occasion than the health and safety of another.
8. If someone asks for your opinion (but really they just want someone to validate their own opinion).
If someone asks you a question that you know they won’t like the honest answer to, do you stick with that honest answer and risk needing to duck for cover, or do you smile and give them what they want?
I tend to risk the truth and then hold my hands up and say, “You asked!”
Does it always go down well? No! But people need to hear the truth sometimes, not just hear you speak validating words to them.
After all, what does always telling people what they want to hear solve? Nothing.
It’s the age-old saying of being cruel to be kind, and it’s not always the popular choice. But it sure is the wisest one when a truth needs speaking aloud, instead of being skirted around.
Final thoughts…
Speaking the truth might feel as though you’re landing in hot water with the person receiving it, but ask yourself this: without your honest words, where would the people you’re speaking to be?
Steer away from the idea that your honesty is rude or selfish. If you have the best interests of someone else at heart, then it’s perfectly ok, ideal even, to deliver your message honestly.
And at times, yes, that means you don’t sugarcoat a situation that’s calling for urgency.
Don’t skirt around the perimeter of the truth to spare the feelings of others. Because sometimes, not speaking the truth will damage them more in the long run.
