At some point, most of us have gotten frustrated when others haven’t met the expectations we set for them, and we’ve placed responsibility for our joy and fulfillment entirely in their hands.
Though it seems entirely reasonable at the time, it is ultimately unfair and unrealistic, since these expectations are our own, and humans are only capable of so much.
If you have difficulty dealing with the fact that other people are fallible beings who fall short of your expectations, use some of the psychological approaches mentioned here to help you bring your perspectives and personal wants back down to Earth.
1. Remember your own experiences.
Can you remember a time when you felt disheartened or rejected because you didn’t meet someone else’s expectations — spoken or otherwise — despite trying your best?
Or even a time where you felt confused because you were just being your authentic self and they were disappointed in you because you weren’t what they ordered?
Whenever you find yourself getting upset with someone for not meeting your expectations (or otherwise falling short of the mark you think they should be hitting), step back in time and remember what it felt like to be in their position.
Taking time to work on this self-reflection with a daily practice can help enhance your perspective-taking skills (and what’s more, it has benefits for all other areas of life, too).
You’ll begin to see that just because a person doesn’t meet another’s expectations, that doesn’t mean they’re a failure.
They’re simply a human being who’s trying to figure out how to navigate life in this weird world, just as you are.
2. Recognize that people aren’t mind readers.
Years ago, I had a girlfriend who would get upset with me all the time because I didn’t magically know what was bothering her, or why.
Similarly, I was expected to “just know” what her preferences and aversions were, and she’d express great disappointment if I didn’t intuit them.
In her mind, if our connection was a sincere one, then I would “just know” how to make her happy all the time.
This is completely unrealistic, however, and will damage even the most promising partnerships.
People need to be willing to communicate with one another clearly and directly in order to express expectations, preferences, and how they feel.
Being distant or passive-aggressive and responding with “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is unfair to the person you supposedly care about.
Unless you’re dating the most powerful psychic on the planet, they aren’t going to magically know everything about you without your input.
3. Practice radical acceptance.
It would be great if other people were exactly as we wished them to be, wouldn’t it?
They’d behave as expected, would make all the “right” choices (from our perspectives, at least) and respond to things the way we want them to.
But that isn’t reality.
Life isn’t a rom-com film, and people are far more complicated and messy than any fictional character could ever be.
This is why it’s so important to recognize and accept people for who they are, rather than the version of themselves that we’d prefer.
Psychology calls this radical acceptance. That is, accepting a fact for what it is. It doesn’t mean you have to like it; you just have to accept that it is the reality. Because most of the pain and dissatisfaction comes from fighting the reality, not the reality itself.
As such, you’ll discover that you’ll be a lot less disappointed in those around you when you stop expecting them to follow your preferred script.
In the same way that you want to be accepted as you are, without judgement or criticism, so do the others in your sphere. Why not let them be?
4. Avoid creating mental narratives based on assumption rather than reality.
If someone doesn’t behave the way you expect them to, you may be tempted to create a narrative to explain why they didn’t.
For example, if you’ve been the one who’s been reaching out to your friend and they haven’t been reciprocating much, you might assume it’s because they’re a bad friend.
This is a classic example of what psychologists call fundamental attribution error, where we assume someone’s behavior reflects who they are, rather than what they’re going through.
Suddenly, you’re in a tizzy about how ungrateful they are, how they take advantage of you, how they must have just been using you all this time, etc.
In reality, they may be struggling with difficulties you know nothing about because they’ve been keeping them to themselves.
Maybe they have a challenging health issue they aren’t ready to discuss with you yet, or they’re paralyzed by depression.
It’s possible their marriage is on the rocks, or they’re dealing with infertility, or they’re so stressed with work that they’re barely functional.
This is why it’s always so important to ask instead of assuming.
If they aren’t giving you the attention and support that you want from them, it may simply be because they can’t right now. It’s not because they’re a terrible person.
5. Don’t expect others’ personal skill set to mirror your own.
Many of us have been frustrated when our difficulties were invalidated by others who expected us to be able to do things the same way they could.
For example, those of us with dyscalculia remember many evenings spent weeping at the kitchen table, being berated for not being able to do math as easily as our parents could.
Said parents were frustrated because they couldn’t conceive of the idea of not being able to do math. It was easy for them, and they made you; ergo, it should be easy for you as well, right?
Well, not necessarily.
You may have great capabilities in certain areas, but that doesn’t mean that others’ lives have paralleled your own, regardless of whether you share genes, upbringing, opportunity, or anything, really etc.
Try to avoid getting frustrated with others for not meeting your expectations about what they should and shouldn’t know or be able to do simply because their abilities don’t mirror yours.
Whatever your similarities, they aren’t you, and they aren’t superhumans who can somehow absorb your skills via their proximity to you. What’s more, you undoubtedly have things that you can’t do, either.
Many people don’t realize that you don’t actually need to understand someone else’s internal experience to be able to empathize with it. You just have to believe it.
Empathy is a psychological skill that can be learned, just like any other, and it’s really valuable here.
6. Don’t expect other people to express themselves exactly as you do, either.
In the same way that individuals have different love languages, different people express themselves in different ways.
They have their own preferences and inclinations, and those won’t always align with your own.
For example, you might love to go all-out with decorating the house for birthdays and special occasions, or you love to throw extravagant surprise parties for others.
As a result, you may get upset or disappointed if they don’t do so for you in turn, or if they don’t show what you feel is the “right” amount of appreciation for your efforts.
But it’s unrealistic for you to expect to receive the same treatment that you provide to others. Not everyone has the same energy levels as you do, nor do they have the same natural talents and passions.
It might be second nature for you to bake a homemade cake for someone, but please don’t get upset with them for buying a dessert for your birthday in return.
It isn’t that they aren’t matching your energy and effort: they may simply despise baking, and would rather outsource than turn up to your party an irate, cake-covered mess.
7. Reframe personal wishes with practical plans.
Instead of wishing that a person in your life would be different from how they actually are, reframe your experience with what psychologists call implementation intentions; otherwise known as if/then plans.
For example, if you know that a friend of yours is always 10 minutes late for your get-togethers, make a plan for how you will respond when this individual is inevitably late once again.
That way, instead of being angry and resentful, you have a contingency plan for how you’re going to respond.
For instance: “If he’s late, I’ll order fried cheese sticks and start the pub quiz on my own. He can join in when he gets here.”
Alternatively, you could bring a book to read or some activity to do.
Presumably this person is important to you, and you care about them deeply, but it’s unlikely they are going to change a fundamental aspect of themselves any time soon.
Instead of passively sitting there and wishing this person could be a superhuman, perfect version of themselves for your benefit, you can choose active redirection.
This can cut down on a lot of anger and frustration on your part. You’ll be far less irritated with your friend for following their natural script, and can instead be happy to see them and spend time with them when they do show up.
Final thoughts…
When you feel frustrated with someone because they aren’t behaving the way you feel they should be acting, ask yourself whether your expectations of them are ever going to be realistic.
Is this individual actually capable of meeting your standards of maturity or capability? And if your roles were reversed, how would you feel about someone getting angry at you for not meeting their expectations of competency?
All of us are just doing the best we can, as deeply flawed human beings. Let’s aim to be more patient and supportive of one another, rather than critical and judgmental.
