It often seems as though birds of a feather keep flocking together, while the neighborhood parrot sits alone in the park. This is usually because most people prefer the company of those who make them feel comfortable, like part of the flock, and they’re unnerved by authentic individuals who flout convention and live life on their own terms. But why are they unnerved? Why does authentic living make someone so hard to handle? Let’s look at 8 reasons why individuality and authentic living are too much for many to cope with.
1. The presence of authenticity forces people to confront their own falsehoods.
It’s far easier to deceive yourself when you aren’t confronted by someone who’s speaking honestly and living authentically. Those who fall into the latter categories often have strong, charismatic energy around them that others can’t help but be drawn to, and they may be described as having a powerful aura by more spiritual people. They’re often labeled as being very “real” by those in their social circles, and are often instantly disliked by those who are being performative rather than genuine.
This is because an authentic person’s mere presence forces others to start looking in very uncomfortable places within themselves. As such, they project their personal discomfort onto the one they believe is causing it and condemn them for it. All the authentic individual is doing is unintentionally shining a light onto the person’s shortcomings and falsehoods, which are hiding in dark corners, hoping to remain unseen.
2. Authentic people challenge and question cognitive dissonance.
The vast majority of people out there struggle with various degrees of cognitive dissonance. Psychology Today tells us that cognitive dissonance is the feeling of discomfort we experience when two (or more) of our beliefs, ideals, or behaviors contradict each other.
For example, someone may love to cuddle cows at animal sanctuaries and then go out for hamburgers afterwards, or they’ll proclaim their adherence to scientific research while simultaneously ignoring scientific facts that don’t align with their personal biases.
Instead of baa-ing along with the crowd and going with the “we listen, and we don’t judge” mentality that’s so common nowadays, authentic people will call out these dissonances (or downright hypocrisies, as the case may be) and challenge people to justify them, even just within themselves. This is an uncomfortable task to undertake, and most folks would prefer to avoid that kind of self-scrutiny.
3. People don’t know what boxes to put them into.
You’ve probably realized that most people like to categorize things (and other people) and put them into convenient boxes so they know how to interact with them, if at all. Furthermore, these same people like to label themselves for easier categorization by others. It’s why most people’s online bios are full of common descriptors: so others can recognize them and determine whether they’re a potential friend or foe at a glance.
Genuine people often eschew labels because they’re so much more than the sum of a few details about them. Most people are uncomfortable with this because they can’t predict what this person’s behavior will be, or how they’ll fit into their lives.
I’ve often been asked things like “Okay, but what are you?” by those who prefer order and predictability because they couldn’t tell what type of person I was at a glance. They saw someone in worker’s clothes, but with long hair like a hippie, listening to metal music, reading classical literature, and had no idea what to make of me. They like order and predictability, and the uncertain chaos of an unlabelled person’s existence distresses them.
4. They can’t be controlled.
Authentic people generally have a strong sense of self, and according to psychologists, they aren’t easily influenced as a result. This means they aren’t usually manipulated or controlled easily either. This can be very disorienting and confusing to those who are accustomed to controlling or otherwise influencing others. How can you get someone to do what you want when they refuse to accept anything that doesn’t resonate with their truth?
Lies, manipulation, and coercion slide off authentic individuals like water off a duck’s back. They know themselves well and have enough awareness to realize when others are trying to mess with them. They don’t succumb to guilt trips and don’t care what others think of them, so there’s no leverage to use against them.
5. Authentic people make others question their own adherence to social expectations.
People who are comfortable and secure about their role in society — and their adherence to social expectations — are intensely uncomfortable with authentic individuals who don’t conform and obey the way that they do. This adherence can range from dressing fashionably to believing in a certain narrative, with all the performative posturing that goes along with both.
Authentic people wear what they like with confidence, and speak their own mind instead of following along with what everyone else is doing and saying. They are unapologetically themselves. Furthermore, they often seem super happy in themselves, which throws most people for a loop. Most people have been raised to believe that they’ll be unhappy and excluded if they don’t fall in line and mimic their peers, yet here are these free spirits who express themselves as they see fit, and are admired and beloved by countless others. What??
6. Most people experience discomfort with “weirdness.”
People are okay with quirkiness as long as it falls within acceptable parameters, like fridge magnet poetry. Making weird poems on the fridge with acceptable word magnets is fine, but writing poetry on the fridge with a marker may be cause for concern. Similarly, reading a top 40 bestseller is understandable because it’s a popular book, but delving into Nietzsche or Tibetan Buddhism will get you labelled as “weird”.
Interestingly, the word “weird” comes from the Old English word “wyrd”, which involved having the power to control fate (i.e., the “weird sisters” from Shakespeare’s Macbeth). Truly authentic people seem to be able to weave their own destiny, which is deeply upsetting to those who strive for sameness and acceptance by their peers.
7. They’re afraid of ostracization (or exile) by association.
The need that most people have for social acceptance often causes them to shy away from more authentic, free-spirited folks because they don’t want to be ostracized by association. If Robin is hanging out with Chad, Nicole, and Amber, and one of those people mentions that Robin was seen having coffee with that weirdo Shadow dude who walks barefoot and talks to his pet crow, there’s a very real possibility that Robin will be shunned for associating with an “untouchable”.
Even though she might have had an amazing time talking to the guy, and may be developing a great friendship with him, the “ick” factor associated with him and his unorthodox ways may end up tarring her with the same brush, so to speak.
People are often judged by the company they keep, and if they don’t have the “right” friends/social circle, they end up being shunned. Shadow might be the coolest guy in town, and could help Robin grow exponentially as a person, but she’d rather be an unhappy popular person than a pariah.
8. Fear that others will like the authentic person better than them.
An astonishing number of people will sabotage others’ friendships, relationships, and even their job prospects if they’re afraid that they’ll like someone else better than them, especially if it’s an authentic person whom others can’t help but like instantly. They’ll start rumors about this person, imply that they can’t be trusted, and generally try to turn the tide against them.
They’re so afraid that others will be drawn to the authenticity like moths to a flame that they’ll lose their own status. Or that the social circle they’ve worked so hard to cultivate will realize they’re just a shallow poseur with no real personality of their own; they’re just someone who says and does what everyone else is doing in order to be accepted. This is a truly terrifying prospect to them, and they’ll do everything possible to prevent their house of cards from being destroyed by that luminous, authentic soul.
Final thoughts…
For most of us, there will be a turning point at which we’ll have to choose between authenticity and masquerade. Do we live authentically and risk alienation from our peers? Or do we choose a life of hollow pantomime and posturing in order to be accepted by the “right” crowd? I don’t know about you, but I would take solitude and personal peace over inauthenticity any day. To quote William Shakespeare’s Hamlet:
“This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
