Most of us have people in our lives whom we appreciate and respect as great friends, and others who aren’t exactly the best of companions. They might be fun to hang out with, or we have a long-standing rapport since we’ve known them for years, but that doesn’t mean we can count on them. Furthermore, they might display certain behaviors that make us wonder why we call them “friends” at all.
If you have friends who display the habits listed here, you might want to have a talk with them about how their actions affect others.
1. “Bro, can I borrow… everything?”
It’s normal for friends to lend things to each other, or even to let them hold onto things long-term, especially if they’re in a tight spot. Problems arise, however, when one friend seems to always need to borrow something or another because they’re always without. Furthermore, many of these friends borrow belongings and then “forget” to return them.
This has happened to me so many times, from friends wanting “just a bite” of my food (which resulted in them eating half of it or more) to borrowing clothes, tools, or money, and never giving any of it back. Unsurprisingly, these are the types of “friends” who will never be able to lend you anything when you need it: this is a one-sided “friendship” and you’re simply there to meet their needs.
2. Only contacting you when they want something.
How many times have you stopped and realized that you’re the one who’s perpetually reaching out and trying to initiate conversations with someone in your life, since they never bother to check in on you unless they want or need something?
This is user behavior and is never a fun thing to deal with. Friendship should be reciprocal, so if this person never contacts you just to see how you’re doing, or invite you out to something fun, it’s likely they’re only keeping you around until they need you to move some furniture or introduce them to someone who can be of benefit to their life.
3. Trauma dumping and then ending the conversation.
It’s incredibly draining when a person calls you or wants to meet up with you just so they can dump all of their woes on you like you’re their therapist. What’s even worse, however, is when they do that and then have to go, leaving you reeling from the onslaught they’ve just unleashed in your direction.
I had a friend who’d do this regularly, but was always too busy or otherwise unavailable when I needed to talk about serious matters. Even worse, they’d flat-out tell me that they weren’t interested, or that these were “me” problems that I needed to sort out myself. I eventually had to distance myself from them, as even after talking to them about the issue, they never quite understood the idea of reciprocal support.
4. Putting down everything that’s important to you.
For some strange reason, some people think it’s hilarious to make fun of you or put down whatever others are into if it’s something different from their own leanings. While they may not do this to their colleagues or superiors, they take great joy in laughing about and deriding their friends’ interests, pursuits, preferences, and beliefs.
Depending on the person, they might turn everything that’s important to you into a joke, or they might go too far and either damage belongings related to the subject or defile something sacred to you for their own amusement. Essentially, riling you up will forever be more entertaining to them than respecting you or anything you hold dear.
5. Inappropriate behavior (in public and in general).
You might be walking down the street with them, and they start cursing or talking loudly about their latest sexual conquest (in full, graphic details) with wide-eyed, scared kids within earshot. Or you’re out for a meal with them and they’re chewing with their mouth open, waving cutlery around like they are about to fight a horde of invisible chair demons.
When you try to bring attention to their poor behavior, they’ll usually say something along the lines of how they’re free to do whatever they want since it’s a free country or whatever. Granted, their hypocrisy becomes self-evident when a minute later, they’re moaning about someone having a cigarette right next to them, polluting their airspace. So, freedom of expression and body choice only matter when they affect you? Ok mate.
6. Intentionally overstepping your boundaries (and laughing about it).
Some people take great pleasure in causing distress to those close to them, and there are few better ways of doing this than to overstep someone’s boundaries. This behavior is deeply upsetting to the person who’s being disrespected, which feeds the overstepper with the energetic fuel they’re seeking.
For example, if you’re sensitive to certain types of media (i.e., blood and gore) and you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to see it, this person will send you memes or videos that have exactly those images, just to see you get upset. Then they’ll tell you that you’re too sensitive or no fun at all, and laugh at your discomfort.
7. Double standards as far as behavior goes.
This person thinks that certain behaviors are absolutely fine as long as they’re the one doing them: as soon as anyone else does the same thing, they pitch a fit about it. They’re either willfully blind about the double standards they’re upholding, or they’re oblivious and can’t seem to see their own hypocrisy.
For example, this friend might take hours to make decisions on where to go to eat, but will get irritated and aggressive if anyone else takes more than a minute to decide on something. Similarly, they might be completely fine with everyone else paying for drinks, snacks, concert tickets, cottage rentals, and so on for the group, but if asked to cover a small payment, they’ll go ballistic and say that they’re being used or taken advantage of.
8. Perpetually flaking out on plans and promises.
You know you can’t count on this person to keep their word about plans and promises because, well, they’ve never kept them. They promised to help you paint your new place, but then something else came up and they flaked out on you. Or they said they’d be honored to be in your wedding party, but got sick and had to take a last-minute trip to Dubai that weekend instead. Sorry.
If you break a promise to them, they’d be devastated and never let you live it down… but when they flake out, that’s fine. In fact, if you get upset with them about it, they’ll imply that you’re the one who’s being a bad friend and making them feel guilty about things that are “out of their control.”
9. Being inappropriate towards your partner.
A friend who’s into your partner may go above and beyond trash-talking you to try to drive a wedge, and will be blatantly flirtatious with them. They might try to find ways to be alone with your partner (e.g., “just dropping something off” or running into them on their usual routes, and will be overly affectionate towards them when it happens.
Additionally, they may find reasons to message your partner, such as asking for their advice or help, or sending funny memes, and they don’t seem to get the message if your partner is coolly cordial towards them. Additionally, if they’re confronted about their behavior, they’ll gaslight you (or your partner) for being paranoid or weird, in order to create a smokescreen for what they’ve been doing.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to remember that confronting someone about their bad habits usually leads to arguments and hard feelings. When broaching subjects like these with friends, you’ll need to determine what your ultimate goal is and adapt your approach accordingly.
For instance, if you want to keep this friendship going, couching your words kindly and empathetically is more likely to help you reach that outcome. In contrast, if you’re over their bad behavior and would sooner be rid of them, being blunt about them being a jerk might rid you of them permanently.
