I always find it sad when I hear someone thinking they’re ‘too’ anything. They believe, for whatever reason, they’re not the “right” amount of this or that, but that raises so many questions for me.
What is the right amount? Who decides that you’re just right, and would everyone else agree? Why are you not focusing on yourself, rather than on what other people want you to be?
It’s time for some truths, and with each one I hope you will begin to change how you see yourself.
I’ve a feeling if you can, you’ll be able to stop chasing the approval of other people, and just be you.
1. Feeling deeply is not weakness; it’s strength.
One of the main ways people are made to feel “too much” is when it comes to sensitivity and strong emotions. It’s often viewed as a weakness, and sensitive people who feel deeply are commonly told they need to “toughen up.”
But why?
I follow a blog by a psychologist called Katie Turner, and in one of her pieces, she beautifully describes a sensitive person’s emotional reactions as an honest reflection of their humanity.
Don’t you think that’s quite something?
For starters, she is affirming in one sentence what I aim to do in this entire article, but she’s doing something else, too.
She’s recognizing that when you feel deeply and express those feelings, it’s simply proof of how compassionate you are.
That is not weakness. It takes courage to feel, express, and process your emotions instead of burying them through fear.
Truly weak people don’t care about connection and compassion. How many narcissists do you know who want to make the world a better place?
I want you to start seeing being sensitive as a gift, and not a weight on your shoulders.
2. No one has the right or power to decide what is too much or not enough.
This is the one that gets me! Think about it: who decides that you’re too anything?!
A relative could tell you that you’re so quiet and reserved, and a coworker might roll their eyes and tell you that you’re too excitable. Both have wildly differing opinions of you, but ultimately, is either opinion worth absorbing?
Who sets the bar for ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ anyway? It’s all subjective, so my point is to just give up worrying about it.
Think of chili. I’m quite comfortable going very spicy in what I eat, but my mother? The color would rise in her face if she ate anything hotter than a mild salsa.
The problem isn’t the chili, though, is it?
The chili won’t please everyone, but the salsa is still what it is, and it isn’t worried about upsetting anybody or wanting to change itself to suit individual preferences.
In a nutshell: who gave anybody the power to decide who you should be?
This is your life, and the only person who gets to decide and live out your personality is you.
3. The right relationships will call for you to be you, just as you are.
I spent a lot of my younger self trying to be someone that I was not.
I didn’t know I had a big personality until I looked back at videos and photos of me all singing, all dancing, and being told to be quiet by a sibling and one particular parent. They would be visibly angry that I was so carefree, so happy.
Over time, my big personality got watered down. Evidently, I was too much for them, even though I didn’t know at the time that being too much was a thing.
It was only as I reached adulthood that I realized I had learned to perform a version of myself that was more palatable for them.
Not having them in my life anymore has made room for me to be me again. Now, I have people in my life who celebrate me in the same way I celebrate them.
I love my friends and the family I speak to, and we all make time for each other exactly as we are.
The same goes for you. You won’t be too much or not enough for the right people.
You’ll be just right.
4. People have different tastes, and that’s ok.
There are certain songs I like to listen to at home, and each time I play them, my son rolls his eyes.
“Oh my God, not this again.” I smile. Yes. This again.
We have different tastes.
If he could, he would watch end-of-the-world-style movies every day. Me? Not so much.
But that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of us. Neither of us is too much or not enough; we’re just different people with different personalities, and we like different things.
What’s more, there are people in this world who don’t like chocolate. Can you believe that? There are people who also hate dogs and cats.
I know!
But rather than judge them, we should just see them as being who they are.
Ultimately, you’re never going to like the same things as everyone, and you’re never going to make everyone like everything about you.
That’s not a problem to be fixed; it’s just life.
5. If you’re constantly trying to be better, you forget how far you’ve come and how your journey has shaped you.
People often advise us not to look back ‘because we aren’t going in that direction.’ But I want to play devil’s advocate here because actually, I think the odd glance behind you is a reminder of how far you’ve come and what has shaped you.
It’s not about dwelling on everything you’ve been through, but rather appreciating your journey thus far, and I think doing that can be a chance to feel a huge amount of pride and acceptance.
We can become obsessed with improving ourselves or being more or less of something, but we forget that everything we’ve been through has made us who we are today.
We couldn’t be any other way.
Yes, going forward you can absolutely choose to work on parts of yourself that you want to work on, but you cannot fundamentally change who you are within, and neither should you want to.
You have to be who you are. If you are chasing someone else’s ideal, then where does that leave you?
Pretty lost, I’d say.
If you can acknowledge your unique journey, you’ll realize that being “too much” or “not enough” really has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with other people’s opinions.
6. Other people are not paying as much attention as you think (and even if they are, that’s a them problem).
Do you worry that people are always paying close attention to you? Do you think they’re watching and judging your every move?
If so, you may be experiencing what is known as The Spotlight Effect, and it is particularly common in those who suffer from social anxiety.
In truth, people are far less concerned with you than you think, but if you’re continuously worrying that you’re under that spotlight, it’s going to increase your chances of self-criticism and perfectionism, among other things. So yes, you will worry you are too much of this, or not enough of that.
Regardless of whether people are paying attention or not, I want to remind you that what other people think of you is not your problem.
So many people think they should fit certain molds, but those molds weren’t made for you.
We can’t control what other people think of us, and everyone will have a different opinion anyway, so how exactly would you manage to fit all those molds without becoming a completely misshapen splat?
The answer is, you can’t, so stop trying.
7. Your worries stem from something – or someone – that came before you did.
This is often the hardest truth of all because it involves looking back at a timeline you might not feel okay or even safe doing.
Whether we want to believe it or not, our pasts do determine a lot of our behaviors and thoughts, and this is no different.
Most people’s anxiety and self-consciousness come from either something they’ve learned or something they’ve been through.
For example, anxiety runs in my family, particularly around health. Over the years I’ve noticed relatives constantly saying, “Careful! Be careful!” to the kids in the family, even when they aren’t really doing anything risky.
I notice them worrying about this or that, using Google as their doctor and losing sleep over an insect bite.
My point isn’t to mock the people I love; it’s to show you how easy it is to pick up these habits yourself, and grow up worrying about what you witnessed others worrying about.
If you were surrounded by people – or even just one prominent figure in your life – who excessively worried about what others thought of them (and by extension, probably you too), you’re likely to follow suit.
But anxiety doesn’t need to follow you like it followed those who came before. Generational cycles can be broken, though it takes time and effort.
Final thoughts…
Quite eye-opening, isn’t it? We are just who we are, and there really is no such thing as too much or not enough.
I think the whole reason why we are such a diverse, beautiful bunch of people is that we were always meant to be, and what someone else thinks of you may be what another person completely disagrees with.
So why bother listening to their opinions or to your fears about what they think? They have no authority over you.
As the saying goes, “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”
