If you had to think about the most difficult people you’ve had to deal with in your life so far, there’s a good chance that you’d be able to write a fair list of them.
When we interact with folks like these, we’re usually frustrated and infuriated, and those feelings can last long after the interaction has ended.
The thing is, each of those difficult people has taught us an invaluable lesson, even if it wasn’t apparent at the time. Here are some of the most important lessons we learn from them, if we’re willing.
8 things only the most challenging interactions can teach you:
1. To be more patient.
Sages from many different cultures maintain that difficult people offer not only a test, but an opportunity to develop our own virtues.
Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism, and even modern psychology all see difficult folks as individuals who are suffering and need help.
Yet in the heat of the moment, we often see the intractable individual in front of us as a pest and an obstacle. Or worse, as a threat or enemy.
Instead, we can aim to see difficult people as opportunities to hone patience.
We can meet screaming children or recalcitrant adults with strength, compassion, and presence of mind, rather than hostility and short-temperedness.
If we always remember there’s a reason why they’re behaving that way, we can view them through an empathetic lens instead of an angry one. And who knows, maybe we can even help them and grow in the process of doing so.
2. To be braver.
Perhaps you’re a person who really just wants everything to be easy-going and happy, and that can be a great attitude to have. You love peaceful, fun, harmonious interactions, yet the individual in front of you seems to be intent upon picking a fight with you.
Unfortunately, it’s likely that your “make neither ripples nor waves” mindset is exactly why this person is trying to instigate conflict. Difficult people often home in on our vulnerable spots and highlight our own weaknesses.
For example, I embodied a very easy-going, peaceful demeanor in my youth, and many people saw me as a weak, vulnerable pushover they could feel superior to by picking a fight with and winning.
It was only when I stood up to them and made it abundantly clear that I was choosing peace rather than defaulting to it that they learned to leave me alone.
In many cases, it’s only by being brave and (safely) standing up to the one who’s instigating trouble that peace can return.
3. To choose to put empathy into practice more often.
Difficult people can often be excellent, albeit inadvertent, teachers of compassion. This is because a lot of the time, someone you perceive as difficult is just someone who has a different temperament, communication style, or life experience than you.
For example, if your natural setting is to be direct and no-nonsense, you may find people who value indirect, soft communication difficult to deal with. And the reverse is usually also true.
Many people can struggle with understanding another’s feelings, especially when they can’t relate to their experience or communication style.
But this often happens because people don’t take the time to intellectually understand the intricacies of how others feel and why they behave the way they do. They assume you have to emotionally understand it to empathize with it, but you don’t.
Empathy is not something you have, or you don’t. It is a skill that can be learned, just like any other.
And difficult interactions can help teach you this skill, if you let them.
Even if you fundamentally disagree with a person, you can learn to listen to how they feel and where they’re coming from, and choose to believe that their experience is valid for them.
There are few skills more crucial for dealing with other human beings than empathy.
4. The gift of developing your own virtues.
Some people are in our lives to provide great examples of who we don’t want to be. As such, when you see someone behaving in an atrocious manner, that can give you some great insights on how not to behave in similar circumstances.
This mental landmark can be invaluable if you ever catch yourself starting to emulate the behavior they exhibited.
When you feel yourself slipping into those behaviors, remind yourself that you don’t want to become like that person.
If it helps, picture them as though they are an angry child, because that’s just how they behaved.
Remind yourself that you are not a child. You are a grown adult, and you’re going to behave as such.
5. How to not let others’ actions and emotions affect you.
How people treat you is their choice and their karma, but whether you allow them to affect you or not is yours. You can’t control anything in your life except for your own thoughts and behavior.
As such, annoying people who seem hellbent to tap-dance on your last nerve offer the opportunity for you to develop a very thick skin.
You can even make it into a game of sorts.
Observe how they do their very utmost to get a rise and a reaction out of you, and how irritated they get when they don’t achieve the result they want.
You cannot give them a better state of mind or improve their questionable behavior. But what you can do is set an example to yourself and those around you by being at peace in their chaos.
6. How and when to stand your ground in conflict.
In the book The Jerusalem Man by David Gemmell, there’s a great parable about garden flowers who showed mercy in letting a weed grow amidst them.
“Why,’ the weed asked, ‘does the gardener seek to kill me? Do I not have a right to life? Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to grow and see the sun?”
As you might have guessed, that weed grew bigger and stronger by the day, spreading its roots and leaves, destroying all the other plants around him.
Finally, only a rose was left. It gazed up at the enormous weed and asked: ‘Why do you seek to kill me? Do I not have a right to life? Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to grow and see the sun?’
‘Yes, it is too much to ask,’ said the weed.”
The lesson here is that difficult people grant us the opportunity to learn when to show mercy and patience, and when to stand up and be assertive.
Yes, creating and defending boundaries can be scary, but not establishing or protecting them can be far more detrimental to you in the long run.
7. The ability to tolerate discomfort (and when to know you’ve reached your limit).
If you have to deal with a lot of difficult people, you’ll undoubtedly develop an extraordinary amount of emotional and mental resilience.
These experiences can teach you a wide variety of coping skills, which can be beneficial for dealing with any other difficult person you might encounter over the course of your life (and there will be plenty more!).
It is important to note that too much of a bad thing can ultimately be destructive as well, though.
While difficult people can help you to build resilience, having to deal with too many of them for too long can have a damaging effect on your nervous system.
If you find that the person (or people) you’re dealing with are having a deleterious effect on your mental and emotional wellbeing, that may be a sign that it’s time for you to distance yourself from them.
8. Which parts of our own natures we have difficulty with.
The things that irritate or upset us the most in other people often tend to be the things we aren’t particularly fond of in ourselves.
As a result, the things that irritate us or upset us in others are often aspects of ourselves that we need to work on.
For example, if we’re prone to interrupting others when they’re talking, we may get really annoyed when others do the same to us.
Similarly, if we feel inclined to criticize someone for making unhealthy lifestyle choices, that’s a good sign for us to examine our own predilections.
More often than not, we discover that we’re the last ones who should be casting stones in that type of direction.
Final thoughts…
Some of the greatest growth and evolution we experience comes about through dealing with adversity.
As a result, the blessing that difficult people grant us is to prepare us for where the road ahead might lead.
Even though these individuals tax your patience and kindness dearly, try to see them as guides and teachers.
The lessons they’re teaching may not be immediately apparent, but these people are actually aiding you in a greater understanding of both them and the human condition as a whole.
