Coming from a home where your achievements were the only basis for praise does very little to produce an adult who believes in their inherent worth or whose mindset is open and curious.
When you hear how brilliant you are because you won, passed a test, or did something amazing – I mean, that’s great and all, but what about the effort? What about the process? What about making mistakes and being resilient?
These all matter so much too, yet they’re never seen or applauded by parents who push for perfection. It may seem like a healthy desire for high standards, but it will only lead to unhealthy beliefs I’ve outlined here.
How familiar are they to you?
7 unhealthy beliefs that develop when you only receive praise for your achievements growing up:
1. “My worth only comes from how successful I am.”
Do you ever remember a time when your parents praised you just for giving something a go? I honestly think it happens far more now than it did when I was a child.
Still, I was lucky to have one parent who let me know that I tried my best, and that doing so was to be recognized.
To praise a child only when they succeed ultimately teaches them that who they are isn’t as important as what they do.
First and foremost, I believe the building block in a child should be a healthy sense of self-worth, but you aren’t encouraging that to form if you hold conditions over their head.
Soon enough, they’ll be an adult who doesn’t see any point in trying because they will have the constant fear of failure.
More alarmingly, they will fail to see that trying is success (which it is, and I will argue that point at any table).
2. “If I’m not the best or don’t win, I am a major disappointment.”
“I have to win this.” “I need to be the best.” “There is no other option.”
Hold your horses! If any adult has this frame of mind, I could almost certainly trace it back to only being praised for doing something brilliantly as a child, or for achieving some kind of prize or recognition.
I grapple with this one, as I had a contrasting parenting system growing up.
One parent would have the motto, “It’s the taking part that counts,” while the other would tut and roll their eyes if you didn’t quite meet the mark, with an added “I could have been at work instead of watching you come fifth” for good measure.
As an adult, I have good days and bad days, but thankfully I’ve been able to develop self-awareness. I can usually talk myself out of believing that I’m a disappointment if I unpick the situation a bit, and I guess I’m asking you to do the same if it applies to you.
Don’t allow what you went through then to be what you berate yourself for now.
3. “Approval is something I have to earn.”
I grew up in a very musical house. Nobody could play an instrument exceptionally well, but we all loved music, and one parent particularly so.
I was very musically minded and could pick up a tune or chords on my keyboard just by listening to a song. I used to intentionally leave my bedroom door wide open and learn how to play said parent’s favorite songs.
I did it loudly, and I constantly waited for them to appear in my doorway, impressed with my talent.
I’d spend hours doing this, looking out for a shadow, or listening out for that familiar landing creak. I felt like if I earned their approval, I’d be good. I’d be seen. I’d be praised.
Why did I feel the need to do that with this parent, and not the other?
Because this parent never gave me the time of day unless I was doing something or achieving something good.
Maybe you have your own similar story. If you do, it’s likely you still feel like approval is something you have to earn by behaving a certain way.
It’s a hard feeling to shake. I loved my keyboard, but I sold it and have never gotten another since, even though I miss it and would love one.
I don’t know what just playing on it without needing to seek approval looks like, and so I’d rather not bother at all.
Maybe someday, I will. But I’m not there yet.
4. “I can only rest when I feel I’ve earned it.”
Busy people don’t necessarily achieve more; they just look like they do.
I could make myself very busy while doing absolutely nothing for an entire day if I wanted, but that doesn’t make me the Queen of Efficiency.
It’s okay to rest.
Know that in that rest, you’re charging yourself up for whatever comes your way. Of course, that’s easier said than done when you were taught that resting means laziness because nothing is getting done.
Being the child who is taught that creates an adult who is obsessed with filling up their days, pushing through exhaustion, and overdoing everything. And for what?
For the wrong people to congratulate you, that’s what. The right people want you to feel rested, well, and deserving of solitude and serenity.
But it’s hard to see that when you were raised to feel bad every time you paused or sat down.
“Why aren’t you practicing your recital?”
“Why aren’t you doing your homework?”
“Why aren’t you helping with the chores?”
“What is sitting down and watching cartoons going to do for you?”
Those are core memories that will shape how you view and treat rest, and it takes hard work (ironically) to reprogram them.
It’s worth it, though.
5. “If other people are doing well, then I must be doing something terribly wrong.”
I used to be a true believer in this, and trust me, it did absolutely nothing for me.
It wasn’t helpful at all. It didn’t make me want to achieve anything, because I already felt like I was a failure.
You just sit and stew in this belief, letting it cook away your confidence and replace it with self-sabotage.
Don’t buy into it.
Other people are doing whatever it is they’re doing, and that’s fine, but who gets to decide what even constitutes success?
You do; that’s who.
I’m not a millionaire, but I am raising a happy, healthy boy who can talk to me about anything on his mind. He never feels like a burden, because I made sure he never had to.
I’m not a CEO or a big-time entrepreneur, but I have what I call success already, in the love of my home.
Comparison is futile. It serves no purpose, especially when you’re looking at people’s ‘perfect’ (aka perfectly curated) social media lifestyle.
Come on, give me a break.
Being praised only when you’re achieving is inherently ridiculous, because “achievement” is subjective anyway.
You’re not learning what it takes to be a successful human; you’re just learning one person’s definition of success.
It’s time to create your own.
6. “I must hide my struggles from everyone.”
Growing up can be a shocker when you’re raised by someone who hates to admit their struggles and has no patience for yours.
Clinical psychologist Dr Margaret Rutherford speaks of ‘perfectly hidden depression.’ She describes it as the kind of depression of emotional pain that’s masked by a “successful” life. And I believe a massive contributor is being forced to hide your struggles and mistakes as a child.
They internalize a constant, critical inner voice that swirls around their heads, making them feel ashamed for struggling and telling them that they should only be seen and noticed for the good things.
But that’s not what being human is all about at all.
Children, especially, should be free to express themselves, and talk about what they’re finding tough. It’s in those moments they learn it’s safe to do so.
What’s the alternative? Believing you’re only valuable when you can manage something successfully, without struggle or help?
No.
Accomplishment and success can come from making mistakes. They can come from being vulnerable and supporting each other. But we need to teach children that vulnerability is a strength for that to happen.
7. “I should already know how to do this.”
Honestly, I feel this one deeply. My son, who has dyslexia, often feels that if he can’t do something perfectly the first time, then what’s the point?
It comes from all the ways he compared himself to other kids in his class when he was in school. Because they could do something, he felt like he should be able to as well. Never mind the fact that for his age, he is the most advanced drummer his teacher has ever taught!
I worked hard to challenge this belief when I started home educating him. I praised his effort and his character, but most of all I encouraged him to be him.
I, for one, can barely hold two drumsticks without poking myself in the eye with them, yet he can read the music to any song and execute it with his own natural flair (I hope my neighbors like Bon Jovi…).
We learn. We praise because our children are trying. We lean into their strengths and help them build the scaffolding they need for the weaknesses.
If we don’t, those very children will end up as adults who punish themselves for not getting it right the first time (or at all).
Final thoughts…
Let’s reframe praise to include any time we dare to try something, even if it doesn’t go how we planned.
Let’s celebrate getting up in the morning and having an ordinary, human day.
Let’s welcome the thought that success can simply be getting through that meeting you are dreading.
I know there are many adults out there suffering because they were only given praise when they actually achieved something, but remember, what is achievement? It’s just a word, and you get to decide what it means to you.
You are not a letdown if any of this applies to you, and you are worthy of a better childhood than the one you ended up with.
