Life. Is. Messy.
So what do a lot of us do about it? We try to control it and understand it, and we build ourselves these little protective caves to live in. We say, “If I stay in here, everything will be safe, everything will make more sense.”
Yes. We’re obsessed with wanting to control outcomes and situations that we have no business trying to control. We burn ourselves out because we want to find out.
But what if we accept that we can’t find out?
I’ll tell you. Your life changes in all the right ways. If you need more incentive to join me in that club, here’s what you can expect when you do.
8 Ways your life changes once you stop needing everything to make sense:
1. You stop looking for that missing piece.
“If only I …”
“I just need…”
“If I could just…”
If you think there’s some elusive missing piece in your life that would make everything right, you’re not going to find it.
Maybe it’s the perfect job, partner, answer, explanation, or some other kind of breakthrough. Often, people who believe they need to search for that magical solution or thing don’t even really know what that thing is.
Either way, the missing piece doesn’t exist, because it’s the belief itself that’s the trap.
Your life can only change when you stop searching for some magical solution and instead live each day in a way that genuinely matters to you.
It’s much better to think about what you love and where your passion lies, and weave that into your everyday existence.
Don’t go on some kind of bear hunt looking for grand answers or fix-all solutions. You won’t be able to go over, under, or through; you’ll just end up stuck.
2. You find closure yourself.
There was a point in my life where I wanted closure from a situation – from a person – and I never got it. I hoped he would give me a reason why he vanished; why his actions far from matched his words.
I got a few explanations over the years, but none of those words or promises to not vanish again came true.
There came a point where I thought, “Why am I waiting for someone to give me closure, when silence and inconsistency should be what closes this for me instead?”
In the end, that was the closure. The lack of answers was an answer in itself. It allowed me the emotional freedom to be able to move on with my life, rather than put it on hold for someone who just didn’t want to or couldn’t fully show up for whatever reasons they had.
3. You stop wasting your energy trying to be psychic.
“What will happen if I go?”
“What will happen if I don’t go?”
“What if it all goes wrong?”
“What if I can’t sleep?”
“What should I do if…?”
Each question drains your energy as you try hard to figure out the potential answers, and then decide which one would be most likely.
I’ll save you some time:
Nobody is psychic.
If they were, I’d have got the winning lotto numbers from them a long time ago (for a 95/5 cut and nothing more).
Jokes aside, you will transform your life if you stop trying to predict what is around each corner. The truth is, none of us knows.
You have to act on what you know now, and if you make a mistake, so what? Start again. Learn something. Dust your pants off and defy gravity or whatever it is you want to do.
Just don’t stagnate where you are because you’re wasting time trying to predict an outcome you cannot predict. You are the outcome.
4. You stop needing understanding to start healing.
If I had waited to understand the actions of the parent who caused me more trouble than I could shake a stick at before I began my healing journey, I’d be waiting my entire life.
Trust me, years went by as I tried to unpick their behavior.
And then one day, I decided to let it go. It was pointless. No matter how much I learned or researched, it never really made sense to me. But did it have to in order for me to start healing from it all?
No.
Truly realizing and accepting that felt as though someone had come along and lifted an 8kg weight from each of my shoulders. It felt like I had been given the energy to move forward without the answers I’d once convinced myself I needed. It felt like freedom.
5. “I don’t know” starts to feel okay.
If you asked me 22 years ago what I wanted to do with my life, I’d have said, “I don’t know.” Friends were off to university, others were travelling, and I was in the town I was born in, feeling a little too afraid to make any big choice.
In my head I had all these ideas, but I just didn’t know how to make them possible, or what to chase.
I ended up working in a pub for around nine months until I saw an advert for a job working in mental health. It just seemed like something I’d be good at, and that job kind of paved the way for my interest in psychology in general, so I applied, and I got the job.
The point is: I didn’t need everything to make sense before I took a step. It’s good to make use of those “I don’t know moments.”
When you accept that not everything has to make sense or have a clear path before you set out, you stop treating “I don’t know” like it’s a huge, scary void. Sometimes, the answer is found along the path you’re walking, when you least expect it.
6. You feel more present in your everyday life.
A study by psychologists at Harvard found that 47% of our waking hours are spent thinking about what isn’t going on. And more importantly, that this mind wandering makes us unhappy.
Honestly? I bet it’s more than 47% for me. I am constantly travelling along the timeline of my life, popping up in the past or the future to see what I can do about any of it.
Surprise, surprise, I can do nothing because it’s not the present moment.
I have yet to master not being pulled back and forth for much of my waking time, but I know it is life-altering to do so. When I do manage it, I feel so much better.
You don’t need to return to that argument with your spouse from six months ago. You don’t need to jump forward and try to predict the outcome of a health test or job interview.
You cannot change those things or find the answers, because there is only now and what we know in this very moment.
7. You stop looking for hidden messages.
The brain is always trying to look for meaning in everything, because its job is to keep you safe, not happy. You have a problem; your brain says, “Hold my beer!” while it gets to work.
Where there is no clear, defining answer (i.e., most of the time), it starts to rifle through everything you’ve experienced, making predictions and looking for little signs here and there.
You start making interpretations based on whatever your brain digs up, but that’s all they are: interpretations.
If you start, let me tell you, it’s hard to stop. Instead, accepting the reality that not everything about life is a puzzle that can be solved will mean you can actually live (at least somewhat) peacefully.
If you can master that, your life will truly start to shift.
8. You stop wondering why people don’t like or approve of you, and accept that some people just won’t.
Apparently, there is such a thing as approval addiction, where those afflicted define their worth solely on what other people think of them. Essentially, they want everyone to like them. But I think we can all agree that’s an impossible feat.
I mean, do you like everyone you meet? Of course not.
In a nutshell, we can lose sleep trying to figure out how to get everyone to think we’re nice, smart, funny, or whatever, but at the end of the day, it’s impossible.
I can think of so many things that are popular that I can’t stand (sushi, Pink Floyd, summer). People think I’m crazy when I stick my nose up at raw fish, or a ‘nice,’ warm day.
It’s no different for people. A person may be liked by millions of people, but they aren’t going to be liked by everyone – nobody is.
Just let it go, honestly. It’s the biggest waste of time trying to please everyone, wondering why people don’t like you or what’s “wrong” with you. All you’ll end up doing is abandoning yourself or burning out.
I can tell you now, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just your unique self, like everyone else (but not exactly, obviously).
Final thoughts…
So, who’s ready to change their lives? The train is slowing down, and you’re at the platform waiting to board. But you’re only allowed to take a small bag with you, so you’ve got to leave a lot of baggage behind.
Do you think these 8 things might be that baggage? If you feel it, drop it. If you can manage that, your life has the potential to be infinitely different.
Just please, I ask of you: don’t board the train with your sushi.
