I’m going straight in with a quote from one of ‘The Best…’ Tina Turner:
“The bottom line is that becoming happy is up to you. No one else can make you happy. And true happiness can never be built at the expense of others.”
Tina is right. Nobody else can truly make you happy, because if someone can give something to you, they can take it away.
That’s why it’s best to rely on yourself when it comes to creating happiness, and share your happiness with others rather than rely on them to give it to you.
These 8 ways to create your own happiness work, but only if you’re ready.
How to create your own happiness rather than relying on others to do it for you:
1. Understand that you, and only you, should hold the power over your own happiness.
I fully appreciate how a statement can oversimplify an action, and I understand that this is likely to be one of them.
Still, it’s true. We look far too much at the people around us, and count on them to make us happy. It’s just not the right way to live. Yet it’s hard to shake that reliance when you’ve needed and held onto it for a long time.
If a certain person or people aren’t happy, then you aren’t. If they’re having a great day, then so are you. If they suggest fun things to do, you jump in and partake. If you don’t hear from them, you sit at home by yourself wishing you were with them.
You have essentially given your power away.
Sure, it’s nice to share your life with people, but you don’t need someone else in it all the time to feel joyful.
Learn to enjoy your own company. Savor the things that you can choose to do yourself. Like those hobbies you picked up, that work project you completed, or the lovely, long bath you just had.
You don’t need anybody else to enjoy those kinds of things, trust me.
2. Stop letting everyone else’s moods dictate how you feel today.
I can confidently say that this is difficult to do if you’re in a house with someone who is toxic. They make sure their moods dictate how you feel, because that’s how they gain control.
But this kind of emotional contagion doesn’t only happen in toxic situations; it can happen with anyone in your life who happens to be happy, sad, excited, bored, frustrated, determined, and anything else in between.
When we rely on others to make us happy, we are essentially placing our mood at the mercy of theirs. And we all know how quickly and easily a person’s mood can change.
If your spouse, parent, friend, or coworker is in a bad mood, don’t leech off it. Learn to put up emotional walls by reminding yourself that their mood belongs to them, not you.
If you can, visualize a wall between you that prevents their energy from getting through. If you can’t visualize, try repeating in your head, “This is their mood, not mine.” And if they suggest their bad mood is a problem you need to fix, wave them goodbye and go about your day.
Don’t wait for someone else’s mood to lift before yours does. Inspire yourself! Lead the way and carve out your own path.
As Dr Seuss says, “Today is your day!”
3. Explore what makes you feel alive rather than simply what makes you feel accepted.
I remember going to my first yoga class with a relative who convinced me it was the way to keep fit and be mindful.
“It’s so good for relaxing and just being in the moment.”
Great, I thought. I could do with a bit of that, and everyone is raving about it, so it must be the “in thing.”
Fast forward to the session, and people were doing headstands. I sat on my mat, wishing I could be beamed up and out of there, and I remember the instructor looking at me sympathetically, knowing he’d never see me again.
I did not feel mindful during that session, and I was far from relaxed. There is no way I was keeping that up, even if yoga was what all the cool kids were doing at the time.
Instead, I explored my own ways to unwind and find peace, and now I do what works for me rather than what works for other people.
If yoga works for you, hey, good for you. But I’d rather not turn myself into an upside-down tower of jelly for anyone.
4. Start adding small joyful habits or rituals into the regular rhythm of your day.
Habit stacking is the way forward if you want to change your day and make those changes last. Backed by science, habit stacking is a way of incorporating a new habit into something that you already do.
Instead of thinking, “I want to make this change,” and inevitably abandoning it after two weeks, you pair up a new habit with a part of your day that’s already established.
This is particularly good if you want to add more happiness to your day, but you are time-poor, because it can utilize those in-between moments that often get wasted on doomscrolling.
For example, while your coffee is brewing, don’t just stand there waiting for it. Do some mindful stretches, dance to your favorite song, engage in a gratitude practice, or anything else that brings brightness to your day.
Happiness comes from finding small ways to bring a little joy into your own life, and not waiting for someone else to give you permission first.
5. Notice if you’ve put your life (and therefore your happiness) on pause while you’ve been waiting for someone else to change.
Ouch. Let’s give ourselves a minute to let that one land.
I know what it’s like to put your life on hold waiting for someone else to change. You think, “If I just give it until the spring, the new year, next week, next month, tomorrow, I know they will change.”
I’ve got news for you:
They won’t change.
Often, they like that you’re sticking around waiting for them, though. Doing that makes them feel wanted, special, and in control. And while they’re busy enjoying having you at their mercy, you’re missing out on so much.
Maybe it’s having kids. Perhaps it’s travelling the world or moving to a different job where you’re appreciated. Big or small, you’ve been holding back and waiting for someone who either can’t or won’t change.
And this doesn’t have to be a romantic partner, by the way; it could be a friend, a colleague, even a family member.
Waiting on them to behave the way you wish they would rather than taking action yourself means you’ll never be happy.
So ask yourself: are you prepared to spend your whole life in limbo like this? Because before you know it, your life will have passed you by, and you won’t have done a single thing you’ve wanted to.
6. Allow yourself hobbies that you love that other people may not fully understand.
You don’t need permission to like what you like. That might sound so obvious to some people, but for others, they struggle to carve out their own identity, especially if their particular hobby is a little unusual.
For example, I quite like going for walks in graveyards. I know… but hear me out. It’s peaceful, and there is always so much nature scurrying around. I feel safe, and I enjoy how it clears my mind to be among those who are resting.
I know that isn’t going to make sense to everyone, but that won’t stop me from doing it because I know how calm I feel after I’ve had a slow walk in such a tranquil environment.
I don’t seek permission; I just do what I enjoy.
You should, too.
7. Visit places and experience things when you want to; don’t wait for someone else to be available.
You don’t have to wait for someone to ask you to go to the movies; take yourself on a date! I have done this regularly, and you’d be surprised at how many other people do the same.
Why should we miss out on life just because nobody is knocking our door down to ask if we want to go with them?
Go with yourself.
Buy the large box of popcorn, sit, and enjoy not being nudged every fifteen minutes.
The same goes for anywhere you want to go. Go do it (as long as it’s safe). Nothing is stopping you, except your own mind.
Each time you don’t, you miss out on another opportunity to bring happiness to yourself.
8. Learn how to give yourself love, warmth, and encouragement instead of waiting on others to offer it to you.
People who rely on others for their happiness often do so because they need external validation in order to feel worthy. So they follow other people’s paths in order to feel loved and approved of, and they miss out on true happiness as a result.
I beg of you, please don’t.
I love these words from author and life coach Treva Brandon Scharf: “Don’t wait to be someone’s most precious person, start right now and be your own precious person first.”
There’s a layer there that you need to pick out: You are worthy of love and happiness right now; you don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to you.
Self-love can begin whenever you want it to. You have the power to make it come alive. Waiting for someone else means you rely on them to determine your worth.
Please know that you are already worth your weight in gold, and if somewhere along the way someone taught you that you aren’t, that’s on them, not you.
Final thoughts…
It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to create that happiness for yourself, rather than wait for someone to come along and give it to you.
Sure, it feels great to share the same idea of happiness with someone else, but you can’t always do that, and the reality is, people eventually have to leave us, either temporarily or for good.
Are you going to sit at home and feel unhappy until someone else shows up at your door with whistles, bows, and invites out?
Understandably, you want to be happy – we all do. But you’re the main character of your life, so trust that you can be the provider of that happiness.
