Humans have held conversations with themselves since we first climbed down from the trees.
Writers and artists create entire internal landscapes where worlds come to life and stories unfold. And many people experience mental “chatter” that can be difficult to silence.
It can be particularly difficult when that voice is constantly unleashing negativity at you, telling you that your life is a disappointment. Over time, you may even be inclined to believe it.
If that sounds familiar to you, here’s how to rewrite the narrative (and prevent it from being re-established in the future).
8 ways to rewrite the narrative that’s telling you your life is a disappointment:
1. Make a list of every beautiful thing you have experienced or accomplished.
This may take you a while, as it’ll encompass every fond memory you can drum up, from earliest childhood to earlier today.
How much joy did you experience feeding ducks, playing in the park, or helping a friend in need as a child? Remember how exhilarating it was to swim in the ocean for the first time, or to wake up next to a new lover after your first night together. And how amazing it felt to overcome a challenge that had thwarted you for a long time.
Each of these experiences has been a beautiful tile in the mosaic of your life thus far, and there’s plenty of space left for more to be added.
Any time you start to listen to that negative voice that implies your life is a disappointment, revisit this list, and remember that every day is an opportunity to add to it.
2. Look at the contributing factors that have been beyond your control, and use those to give yourself compassion and determination, not pity.
Most times, the reason we think our lives are disappointing is that we are comparing them to someone else’s “better” life. But the people you’re comparing yourself to might have had many advantages that you didn’t, so it’s like comparing apples to pineapples.
It’s easy to be successful when you have everything going for you; every resource, every door opened. In contrast, you may have had many things taken from you, or denied you over the course of your life.
Whilst that’s not to say you should give up and let your circumstances define your future, there is value in accepting that any hardships you have faced do make life harder, no matter how unfair that is.
I’ve had moments in which I’ve felt frustrated and angry that I haven’t achieved or experienced things my friends have done, from professional milestones to travel destinations.
But then I remind myself that they’ve had advantages that I haven’t, and they never struggled through the things that I’ve (barely) survived. I used that to fuel me, not to pity myself.
When I was homeless, I dreamed about having all the things I’ve achieved now, and it was those dreams that kept me going in even the direst circumstances. As such, I can’t help but feel pride in having made significant strides after starting from literally nothing.
3. Weigh your expectations about life and determine whether they’re a reality or not.
Disappointment usually happens when a person’s expectations fail to correspond with reality.
As a result, if your brain crumbugglies start to make you feel like your life is a disappointment, take some time to view what they’re saying through a lens of logic and reason.
For example, are you disappointed about things that truly matter to you? Or are these expectations based on indoctrination and propaganda? Are you comparing yourself to billionaire celebrities whose existences are curated online or to the real lives of everyday people?
You may not actually need or want the things you fantasize about at the core of your being, but you’ve been programmed to believe that these high-status items or positions are more important than simply happiness and personal fulfillment.
4. Challenge that inner voice to say something kind.
When that inner voice you hear is spouting cruelty and disrespect, ask it for a word of kindness and respect instead — either about you, or itself.
Quite often, when you ask it to say something positive or respectful, it falls silent, because the only thing it knows how to do is insult and condemn.
If that voice were a human being, would you pay attention to them? I hope not. Like the uncle who has something negative or offensive to say about everyone, you can choose to ignore your inner voice and carry on with your life.
You can even remind that voice of the phrase so many of us heard as children: “If you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
No one’s life is any more worthy or deserving of respect than anyone else, regardless of how their life turns out. You don’t need an achievement, a piece of paper, wealth, or some external marker of “success” to deserve respect.
Everyone deserves respect, so don’t tolerate disrespect from others or yourself.
5. Remember that there are other voices to listen to instead.
In Irish (Gaeilge), one doesn’t say “I’m hungry”; the phrase is “Tá ocras orm” instead, which means “hunger is on me.”
This works well for any other feeling of sensation too.
As such, when the negative voice tries to make you feel like your life is a disappointment, recognize that, much like hunger or rain, it’s just something that’s on you temporarily, rather than a fundamental aspect of who you are.
Disappointment is on you right now. You are not a disappointment.
What’s more, for every negative comment the voice tells you about your life being a disappointment, there have been countless people who have had positive thoughts and words about you.
Friends, family, partners, even strangers. Be the kind Uncle Iroh to yourself, with positive reinforcement, reassurance, and nice cups of jasmine tea every time self-doubt or unkindness pops up.
6. Examine whether there’s any truth in its words, or just cruel lies.
If someone in your social circle was telling you that your life was a disappointment, you’d (hopefully) pause before believing them, wouldn’t you? Furthermore, you’d delve into what it was they were saying to determine whether there was any truth to their words or not.
As such, approach the negative voice in your head the same way, rather than unquestioningly accepting the vitriol.
Lean into what that voice in your head is saying and ask yourself whether what it suggests is true or valid, or if it’s a bitter twist on reality.
For example, if it’s criticizing you for an aspect of your life that you’re not taking action on, then absolutely do what you can to improve that. But do pay close attention to how that nasty little fellow will bring up the bad while ignoring important context.
For example, if you’re diligent about remaining physically fit, but have a health issue like lipedema, thyroid dysfunction, chronic pain, or PCOS (now PMOS), your inner goblin may say terribly cruel things about your body without acknowledging how much effort you put into being the best version of themself despite the odds stacked against you.
Don’t let it (and the next point can help with that).
7. Confront the goblin.
This approach may be a controversial one, but you may find it helpful to invite the goblin for a chat over a cup of tea.
Take a moment to envision the goblin sitting across from you, muttering and snarling cruel things at you. If you can’t visualize, simply listen to its voice, even give it a suitably goblin-ish name if that helps.
Every time it says something nasty to you, ask it what good things it has accomplished that day. It won’t be able to answer, and will try to redirect its ire towards you. Ask it something similar. What is it proud of? What positivity has it gifted to the world?
When it becomes completely obvious that this imaginary creature has no power over you, it’ll fall silent. You’ve taken away its ability to hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself.
Now, you can sit back and enjoy the golden silence (and the tea) in peace.
8. Drown out that voice with your own song.
People have been reciting mantras for thousands of years. They help to focus scattered thoughts and calm the nervous system with repetitive sound and rhythm, shifting a person’s body, mind, and spirit into a more settled state.
As such, when that voice in your head starts telling you that your life is a disappointment, drown it out with a positive mantra instead.
When creating a mantra for yourself, take note of the spiteful things that the brain goblin is spewing at you. Then you can counter them with kindness, strength, and reassurance.
For example, if the goblin mocks you for not having a successful relationship or marriage yet, you can use a mantra like “the partner who is meant for me will appear when the time is right.”
Similarly, if you’re being barraged by negative thoughts about not being successful or wealthy enough, a mantra such as “I have everything I need to live comfortably and take care of my family” can drown out the negativity.
Remember that the good within you will always win out over the shadow.
Final thoughts…
Having mental conversations with yourself isn’t all bad. It can be a great way to work through difficulty. When the voices are cruel, however, or it shifts from healthy problem-solving to rumination, it prevents you from healing and moving on.
Look at what your inner Wormtongue is saying, dismiss whatever doesn’t serve you, and replace that narrative with something far kinder, nobler, and eminently more helpful to the person you want to become.
And if you’re concerned about your mental chatter because it’s interfering with your daily life, then it’s not a bad idea to chat with a mental health professional about it.
