It can be immensely frustrating and discouraging when everyone around you seems to know exactly where they’re going and what they’re doing, and you haven’t figured out where to start yet.
You may feel left out or uncertain — like you’re trapped in a state of arrested development while everyone else is making great strides forward. Yet that may be the complete opposite of the truth of the situation.
If and when you feel lost and confused about the path you’re on and the questions you should be asking, keep the following things in mind.
Remember these 7 things when everyone else seems to have the answers while you’re still searching for the questions:
1. Just because they seem to have all the answers, that doesn’t mean they actually do.
Think about a person you admire greatly because they seem to have their life completely sorted out. Now ask yourself whether that’s the truth of the situation, or if you simply believe it to be the case based on the interactions you’ve had with them.
Something like this happened when I went on a wilderness survival weekend when I was a kid. The other youngsters I was with seemed to know where they were going, where the cool supplies were kept, and various tricks that gave them the upper hand. It seemed like they had all the answers whilst I didn’t even know where to start.
But later, I found out that it was because they had been given those tips by older siblings. If they hadn’t been given those cheats, they would have been just as lost as I was.
In the same way, the people in your life who seem to have it all figured out, all sorted out, etc., may be in a similar situation.
Whereas you may think that they have all the answers and know exactly what they’re doing, they may actually be just as lost and afraid as you are, winging it based on advice and best guesses. They’re just putting on a confident mask and pretending that they’re masters of their own destiny instead of fumbling around in the dark like everyone else.
2. Their path is not yours.
No two people on this planet are the same, and that’s a special, sacred gift to the world. How boring would existence be if we were all clones of one another?
Since we’re all so different, it’s important to remember that what may seem easy and straightforward for one person may be extremely challenging for another. Furthermore, the path that one person is on isn’t necessarily one that’s right for you.
Yet some people feel the need to walk the same paths as those they admire, even though they’re very poorly suited to them.
But it’s possible that the path you’ve been eyeing would take you somewhere you don’t want to be. It’s possible that you’re meant to forge your own way ahead instead of following the herd.
By doing so, the questions you’ve been seeking will undoubtedly make themselves known, and you’ll find the answers to them along the way.
In the words of poet Muriel Strode (though it’s often widely misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson):
“I will not follow where the path may lead, I will go where there is no path and I will leave a trail.”
3. The path is often revealed in doing, not thinking.
While it may be tempting to think we should know the path we’re meant to follow and then follow it, in reality, that’s often not how it works.
In fact, those who seem to have their lives together, who have all the answers and little confusion about who they are and where they’re going, are often the ones following scripts that were handed to them by others.
This goes back to point 1. They don’t so much have the answers as just seem like they do because they are following other people’s well-trodden paths, whether they want to or not.
And these may well be the individuals who end up having midlife crises in their 40s, quitting their high-status jobs to tend bees or weave baskets.
Perhaps you are this person. You had the answers, and now you don’t.
The reality is that a person’s true purpose is often revealed through the process of living rather than endless thinking.
Basically, while you’re looking upwards and all around yourself for the questions you should be asking, never mind the answers you’re seeking, your mind and instincts may be trying to tell you exactly what you should be doing — namely the things that make your soul catch fire.
Once you find whatever it is that captivates you, then you can reverse engineer the questions you need to ask; that is, you can work backwards to figure out how to make it a reality.
Also keep in mind that passions, both in personal pursuits and relationships, don’t always last forever.
Even if you feel like you found your purpose, keep searching and keep asking questions. That way, as you move through life and lose interest in your current pursuits, you’ll have a good idea about the next path you’d like to pursue.
4. Other people’s opinions are sometimes useful to know, but ultimately, they are inconsequential.
As you go through life, a lot of people are going to have opinions about you and your personal choices.
They’re going to make assumptions about you, judge you, and will try to influence you to take the paths that they feel are right for you — especially if they feel that you aren’t making the best decisions.
They may feel that they know what’s best for you, or they may not trust you to make the best choices for yourself, rarely taking your own interests or feelings into account.
And while it’s important to take others’ thoughts and opinions into account, don’t take their judgements as absolute truths you’re obligated to follow.
You may not have all the answers yet, or even the right questions, but that doesn’t mean that they do either.
They may just be going through the motions they feel expected to adhere to, and are pressuring you to do the same.
Your path may lead you to a simple life with a humble job rather than high status and a thick bank account, and your “wealth” may instead lie in your relationships, family, and personal pursuits. Wherever your path takes you is your choice.
5. Some answers can only be earned from experience.
There are some things in life that no amount of soul searching can provide us with the answers to.
For example, if a person has gone through some seriously difficult life scenarios and learned from them, then they’ve attained insight and experience that their peers likely haven’t achieved.
As such, if you think that others around you seem to have all the answers while you’re still seeking the questions, it may simply be a situation where those in your sphere have experienced a wider range of personal challenges than you have. So far.
Everything we go through provides us with various skills and capabilities, and it’s likely that your toolbox is different from those of your best friend or your closest work colleague. And vice versa.
That doesn’t mean that you’re a lesser human being: it simply means that you have space in your life to learn new things.
6. Life is cyclical.
People have answers at different times in their life, but it’s never consistent.
Nobody is the same at 80 as they were at 50 or 25. As such, the answers they had in one season of their life are not going to be the same as they had in another.
You may not have either the answers or the questions that you think you should have at this point in your life, but that’s okay.
Life will grant you insights as you move through it, and the experiences you’ll amass will open doors that allow you to ask more questions so you can continue to grow and evolve.
The key is to remain open to experience, and remain forever curious as you move through the world.
As the saying goes, “Cherish those who seek the truth, but beware of those who find it.”
7. Those with every answer have no space for anything new.
Years ago, a Buddhist monk I spent time with told me a story. He once had a group of students staying with him at the ashram, and he invited them to accompany him on a walk through the gardens.
Before they departed, he asked them what they expected to see as they went. One student talked about beautiful flowers, another mentioned lovely architecture, and so on.
After hearing their answers, the monk stood up and brushed off his robes, saying that there was no need for them to go for that walk anymore: their minds were already full of all the things they were expecting, so there was no room for them to experience joy and wonder.
If you’re feeling lost because you’re still looking for questions while everyone else seems to have all the answers, take heart. It means that you have a blank slate ahead that you can fill with both questions and answers as you go.
Final thoughts…
People like to have answers — as well as questions that they feel are helpful — because we seek certainty and stability in life.
The thing is, nothing in life is ever certain. We never know what we’ll find around the next bend, but holding onto the illusion that we know what we’re doing alleviates existential anxiety.
Yet by embracing uncertainty and remaining open to new questions that appear, we leave ourselves much more room for personal growth, learning, and adventure. And life would be pretty dull without those things, wouldn’t it?
