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Why is life so hard?
Most people ask themselves this question on a regular basis.
Unless you’re a trust fund recipient who doesn’t work, is in good health, has nannies for your kids, and few responsibilities to speak of, chances are you wonder about that as well.
A simple web search for that question will bring up all manner of answers…
These range from “we’re too emotional” to “that’s just how life is: deal with it.”
There are also a lot of glib responses implying that things are only difficult if we don’t accept some divine plan, or that it’s our own attitude that determines happiness or stress.
“Life Is A Struggle For Everyone And Everything”
Sure, this may be true on many levels, but telling that to someone who’s self-medicating on a constant basis just to keep themselves from screaming is incredibly harmful.
Even worse is the kind of propaganda in which people are told that they have to create their own happiness…
…that if they find life hard, it’s because they’re making it hard for themselves.
Most people don’t realize how damaging that can be to say to someone.
Saying something to the effect of “oh, life is hard for all living organisms, what with seeking food and shelter and such” is very flippant.
More than that, it’s dismissive of very real issues that humans have to face.
Yes, every living thing will face some degree of difficulty if it wants to thrive, but there are massive differences there.
A squirrel who’s having trouble finding food to store for the winter can hardly be compared to a single parent living in poverty in a city that hasn’t had clean drinking water for years.
That squirrel doesn’t have to think about health insurance for its children, or possible jail time if its college loan payments stop, etc.
A person who’s wracked with anxiety, dealing with custody issues with an abusive former spouse is going to have different difficulties than a person from an ethnic minority background who faces constant discrimination and harassment.
Populations are soaring and jobs are getting scarce. You might have trouble finding a job in your field. Or any job at all, let alone a decent-paying one.
It’s not uncommon for professionals with full-time jobs to work as Uber drivers on weekends to help make ends meet.
I spoke with several people while researching this article, and some of their stories left me absolutely heartbroken.
Furthermore, they made me realize that there’s no “one size fits all” answer to why life can be so incredibly difficult.
– A single parent who’s caring for two chronically ill young children, while dealing with their own physical and mental health issues.
– A young trans person whose conservative, religious family basically disowned them, who is now living in complete emotional upheaval, adapting to new body changes, alone.
– A highly educated, middle-aged person who had to take on a job they despise when, due to a sudden tragedy, they unexpectedly became sole caregiver to vulnerable family members.
– A young teenager whose home life is so toxic that they find any excuse to stay away, and is in an unhealthy romantic relationship just to have a safe place to escape to.
– A highly skilled creative person living in abject poverty because work is so scarce, and mostly outsourced to people overseas who are willing (and able) to work for pennies.
These are just a few of the stories that were shared with me, and they illustrate how life can be incredibly hard for everyone, albeit in very different ways.
“No Tree Survives Alone In A Forest.”
You’re probably familiar with the quote: “It takes a village to raise a child,” implying that it takes every member of a community to raise one person to healthy adulthood.
I’ll take that a step further with a quote I heard on the show The OA:
No tree survives alone in a forest.
We might think of trees as solitary sentinels, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Each one is part of a complicated, interconnected ecosystem.
This is an excerpt from the article Do Trees Talk to Each Other? from The Smithsonian Magazine:
Wise old mother trees feed their saplings with liquid sugar and warn the neighbors when danger approaches.
Reckless youngsters take foolhardy risks with leaf-shedding, light-chasing and excessive drinking, and usually pay with their lives.
Crown princes wait for the old monarchs to fall, so they can take their place in the full glory of sunlight.
All the trees are connected via mycelial (fungal) networks beneath the soil’s surface, creating “…cooperative, interdependent relationships, maintained by communication and a collective intelligence similar to an insect colony.
What does this have to do with human hardships?
Quite simply, so many of us are clawing our way through lives without being part of a true community.
Without the support that can be found in a collective.
Without a tribe.
Self Care/Healthy Life Balance Is Easier Said Than Done
In a call-out on social media, I had some really authentic, honest replies from people who are just barely keeping it together.
We don’t generally come across this level of honesty in our current selfie and superficial joy culture, but responses like these speak volumes about the struggles that so many are facing:
I’m so tired. All the time, so tired.
I wake up exhausted, run around all day trying to catch up, then fall into bed, not having had more than a couple guilty moments to myself to make a cup of tea, reply to a Facebook post, or shove a fistful of fast food into my mouth.
Those “inspirational” posts don’t help either: ‘take time for yourself because life is short and people won’t talk about your clean house at your funeral.’
They don’t take into account that if you DON’T clean the cat litter or take the dog for a walk on time, the cats pee on your bed, and the dog craps on the rug, and then you have three times the work trying to recover from that.
There are consequences to taking time for yourself: Young kids need feeding, or they will starve. Elderly family need caring for, or they will starve in their own filth.
Deadlines need to be met, or you will be fired. Houses need to be cleaned or you will drown in bugs and filth.
I literally run on stimulants and painkillers, but MOST of us seem to survive this way, to speed us up and then slow us down.
Whether it’s coffee and wine, supplements and meditation, or cocaine and opiates, MOST of us are dosing ourselves with SOMETHING *just* to keep going.
Some are “healthier” than others, yet even the “healthy” ones (like super-foods and spirituality) we CLING to like our lives depend on it.
So ya… community. And I’m just so tired.
The Importance Of Community
I have friends who grew up in close-knit religious or cultural communities in which community and interdependence were as normal and natural as breathing air.
Friends, extended family members, and neighbors were always dropping in and out of each other’s houses.
If someone had a new baby, you can rest assured there were a dozen different “aunts” helping out around the house: taking care of the little one, keeping older siblings fed, ensuring mama was getting plenty of recovery time.
The same went for if a family member fell ill, or if there was a sudden death.
This camaraderie wasn’t just limited to huge upheavals either: daily visits, weekly shared meals, regular gatherings and picnics and celebrations were all part of everyday life.
People could pop ’round to borrow a cup of sugar, help to build a deck, or just hang out in the yard on a warm summer evening.
I was thinking about this recently; about how many of us live mostly solitary lives.
We might have a strong nuclear family, with a partner, kids, maybe a parent or two, but that’s it.
Most of us don’t even know our neighbors, let alone interact with them on a regular basis.
I’ll give you a personal example:
Several years ago, my partner and I made the decision to move to a rural village in another province to get away from the soul-destroying treadmill we were on in downtown Toronto.
This move has its downsides as well as its benefits.
We live in calm, verdant surroundings, with plenty of fresh air, green space, and home-grown food.
Since the cost of living is so much lower here, we don’t have to work 70-hour weeks to get by. We have time to cook, to read, to do yoga, and meditate.
What we don’t have is that aforementioned sense of community.
Our closest neighbors are a fair walk away. We have nothing in common with them, and there’s even a language barrier, as the rural French dialect they speak is quite different from what we studied in school.
Meeting friends for coffee isn’t an option, because the close community we cultivated is 550km away.
Sure, we have video chats and phone calls, but that’s not quite the same, is it?
Same with organizing a community garden space, or group barbecues. Or emergency contacts.
We’re also well aware of the need for community, and can hopefully move to a place where we can find a balance between a gentle life, and stronger community bonds.
But again, with modern life being as frenetic and demanding as it is, we have to prioritize.
Calm solitude, or community in stressful surroundings?
Where is the middle ground?
Is there a middle ground?
I suppose that’s to be determined.
The Absolute Need For Body/Mind/Spirit Balance
In addition to a desperate need to rekindle community, people are aching to find some measure of real balance in their lives.
So many are worked to the bone just to make ends meet, which leaves little (or no) time for authentic human interaction, creativity, and self-care.
Another of the responses I had from my call-out on social media was from a teacher friend of mine named Ariadny who had this to share:
Our culture’s values are completely messed up and backwards from what they’re supposed to be.
We’re worked to the ground and told to be proud of being busy. In lieu of time with people we care about, we’re told to placate ourselves, our partners, our children with stuff.
We’re told materialism is a good thing.
We’re told the arts are an option – not a primal part of our human experience.
We’re disconnected from spirit, whatever that means for the individual.
We’re not allowed to function at human speed: just numb, rule-following worker bees.
Countless people agreed with her statement, and I found myself teary-eyed and nodding along with them.
I remember what it was like to live that way, working three jobs in Toronto just to make ends meet.
It’s devastating to think that’s all there is to this miraculous human existence we’ve been granted.
To plod through endless days in a cubicle or office, doing work that won’t matter at all in a decade or two…
…only to look forward to a few years’ respite in our 70s, if we manage to scrape together enough money to retire.
There has to be more to it than that, without constant, never-ending struggle.
Time to create, for example, whether it’s a painting, a poem, or a few potted tomatoes on the balcony.
Sincere time spent with those we care about.
Spiritual self-care; ritual and celebration.
What Can We Do To Make Life Easier?
Life is often harder because of external factors that are out of our control.
We’re expected to be good workers (and sociable colleagues)…
Earn and spend money, keep up appearances, hit socially demanded milestones…
Conform, and fit into acceptable boxes, and act like it’s all effortless.
Add in contemporary social media factors about how you should look and act, and life becomes even more difficult.
Expectations are increasingly unrealistic, and these expectations are being forced on people earlier and earlier in life.
We can alleviate a lot of personal misery by establishing what’s really important to us, and what isn’t; what we need, and what we can offer others.
Grab your journa and a pen, and ask yourself the following questions:
- What are the most important things that you feel you need to thrive?
- Which aspects of your life do you find most challenging?
- How could other people help you?
- How can you help others in turn?
- Which societal expectations make you feel resentful?
- Do you enjoy the work you do?
- If not, what type of work would fuel your soul?
- Do you have expectations of what life should be like?
- Are those expectations making you unhappy?
- Would your life be a bit easier if you let go of those expectations?
Answering these questions might offer a bit of insight as to your major stressors.
Once you’ve identified them, you can think about putting plans into action to work on them.
If you feel that you want/need to have a stronger community, think about the various factors that you’d like to have around you.
Do you want to surround yourself with people who share your spiritual beliefs?
Or those who have similar creative interests?
Spiritual and religious communities are usually quite welcoming, but there are countless different community groups that you could integrate into, based on your own leanings.
I feel that it’s important to mention here that privilege plays a monumental role when it comes to community.
Sadly, people are mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel unwelcome in various community groups based on all kinds of different factors.
Ethnic background, religion, social standing, able-bodiedness, and gender are just a few traits that can either make a person feel welcome in a group, or make them feel shunned and unwanted.
If you’ve been mistreated by groups you’ve hoped to join, you may be hesitant to try again for fear of being rejected or hurt.
That’s absolutely understandable, and I’m sorry you experienced that kind of ugliness.
Hopefully you can find a group that will appreciate and welcome you the way you deserve to be welcomed.
If you’re already part of a community, ask yourself if you’re open and welcoming to new members, or if there are personal biases you need to work on.
There’s always room to learn, and improve, and grow, and heal, if we allow ourselves to do so.
We’re not meant to go through life alone. Social isolation is detrimental to our overall health, and particularly our emotional and psychological well-being.
Re-establishing a strong sense of community – and learning that it’s okay to lean on others when we need them – might not solve all of life’s hardships, but it can certainly make them a lot more bearable.
Still not sure why life is so hard, or how to deal with it? Speak to a therapist today to get the help you need. Simply click here to connect with one of the experienced therapists on BetterHelp.com.
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- 10 Ways To Get Your Life Together Once And For All
- What Is The Purpose And Point Of Life? (It’s Not What You Think)
- The Ultimate List Of 30 Questions To Ask Yourself About Life
- Why You Should Live One Day At A Time (+ How To Do It)
- 21 Things Everyone Should Know About Life
- Why You’re Feeling Bored With Life (+ What To Do About It)