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Marriage is seen as a sacred union, and no one who gets married imagines themselves getting divorced down the road.
However, divorces do happen for lots of different reasons. Sometimes two people marry who aren’t that compatible. Sometimes two people grow apart. Other times there is some major cause of marital breakdown such as infidelity or lying.
And, to be honest, it’s not that common to hear people express the desire to marry their ex-spouse again. That’s not to say that such a choice isn’t sometimes a good one to make – it can be.
If you’re thinking about remarrying your ex, you may wonder if it’s the right thing to do. After all, there was a reason you got divorced in the first place.
Do you try to make it work again? Will it work? Are you contemplating a reunion out of loneliness or love? Why do you want to remarry the same person after a divorce?
These are the sorts of questions you need to answer. This article should help you do that.
But first, a quick question…
Do remarriages to the same person ever work out?
Statistics around remarrying the same person are sparse. It’s not a widely studied subject. There is one study, however, that actually gives a rather positive view of reuniting with an ex-partner.
Nancy Kalish, professor emeritus at California State University and author of “Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances” surveyed 1001 people who had reunited with a previous love after being apart for at least 5 years. Six percent of these people had married, divorced, and subsequently remarried (with the other 94% of reunions having not previously involved marriage).
For the entire dataset, 72% of those relationships were still going strong at the time when the surveys were completed. Unfortunately this does not tell us how long the reunions had lasted up to that point, but it’s the best and only data we have.
The old saying goes, “Time heals all wounds,” and years down the line, you may not feel the same anger, resentment, and pain that you felt when you first divorced. This is especially true if you and your spouse were married for a very long time.
Even if the marriage was short, you might think that getting divorced was a mistake in the first place – that maybe if you tried a little harder, the marriage could have survived.
6 Reasons Divorced Couples May Choose To Rekindle Their Marriage
What are some of the reasons a divorced couple might choose to get back together and give each other a second chance?
1. You worked on your issues.
Most divorced couples who end up back together will surely do so because they work on the issues that plagued the marriage in the first place.
They resolve the issue and find that they still love each other. The problem that led to their divorce is not as big as they believe, and certainly not bigger than their importance to one another.
The couple chooses to regroup themselves and give each other another chance, thinking (and hoping) that things will turn out better than before.
2. You improved your communication skills.
A key reason people tend to get divorced is a lack of open and honest communication in the marriage. A couple may talk, but they fail to address the elephants in the room when it comes to the big things.
Communication, or the lack of it, can lead to considerable problems in the marriage. For example, if there are financial problems in the marriage, not discussing them can lead to even more significant financial problems and ruin.
A couple must become better able to express themselves to each other; their likes, dislikes, desires, goals, and more. If you can do this, your subsequent remarriage stands a better chance of succeeding.
3. You forgave each other.
When it comes to remarrying the same person after a divorce, the key is to let go of the pain that led to the separation in the first place.
Forgiveness needs to be a two-way street. If cheating was involved, both parties need to work on the reason for the infidelity to ensure it doesn’t happen again. The injured spouse also needs to forgive the cheating party for the indiscretion.
This forgiveness must be heart-felt, or else remarrying your ex will be for nothing.
4. You experienced personal growth.
In a marriage, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to lose sight of themselves. This is especially true if other issues are plaguing their relationship. One person may be doing more than their fair share of the work and are tired of carrying the load, for example.
During separation and divorce, each party has a chance to find themselves again. They discover who they are and show themselves self-love. This allows them to find their strengths and work on their weaknesses. This personal growth of one’s self also gives one the ability to love other people, or to rediscover their love for their ex-spouse.
5. You miss each other.
Much like the need for personal growth, it could be an issue of missing each other and the good times you had. You realize that what you were fighting about isn’t as important as the bond you have. You may choose to give each other another chance, wiping the slate clean.
You feel time has healed the hurt you felt and are ready to make it work second time around.
6. You want some familiarity.
A couple who has been married for a long time will share many experiences and memories – many of them good. One of the reasons people consider remarrying their ex is the inability to find these experiences with another person. When the new relationship fails, they start to think about their ex and long for those experiences once again.
They reminisce over what they once shared – the inside jokes and the good times they had together.
4 Ways To Know Whether Remarrying Your Ex Is The Right Thing To Do
Before you take the leap a second time with your ex-spouse, you need to consider if you really think it’ll work out.
Here are some of the things to look out for when considering the right option for you personally.
1. You have realistic expectations.
If you’re seriously contemplating rekindling this relationship, you need to have realistic expectations of the marriage.
For one thing, time changes people, and the person you or they are now is not who you were back when you first got married. Your likes and dislikes might be different. Your outlook and attitude might be different. What makes you happy might be different.
You can’t go into a second marriage thinking you know exactly how to act or what to say. You have to re-learn who your spouse is. You should spend a considerable period of time back as a couple and getting to know one another again before tying the knot.
2. You’re on the same page.
Perhaps you have rekindled the romance with your ex-spouse and you are enjoying their company and yourself once more. You should ensure that you are on the same page when it comes to the future of your relationship.
Do you both see children in this second marriage (or more children if you already have them)?
Do you both want to settle down in the same area, possibly for the rest of your lives?
What kind of life do you want to lead now and in the future? What do you want retirement to look like as a couple?
If you discuss these things (and more) and find that your visions for the future are aligned, you’ll know your second marriage stands a good chance of surviving.
3. You’re appreciative of what you lost.
One of the many reasons people split is the lack of appreciation their spouse has for them and what they contribute to the marriage. After the divorce, each discovers what the other brought to the union.
This realization may even lead them back to one another, learning that they should not take the other person for granted. They learn they don’t want to lose what is valuable to them, their spouse in this case.
4. Cohabitation is working out.
One of the last steps toward total reconciliation is moving back in together. During this time, you should notice significant changes in how you live.
Are you living more like a married couple, or does it come across as roommates living together? If it’s the latter, you need to find out what is going on. Roommate-type relationships mean there is still something missing. You need to know what that is, and address it, before you should remotely consider remarrying your ex.
7 Ways To Make Your Second or Subsequent Marriage Work
If you’re remarrying your ex, it’s imperative that you do what you can to see it succeed. Or else, you’ll be right back in the same place you were when you got divorced. By now, you should have worked on your issues, realized what you had lost when you divorced, and got on the same page about what you want from each other. Here are some further tips.
1. Resolve any issues from your previous marriage.
Before you even think about getting married to your ex again, consider the reason(s) that you divorced in the first place. Was there infidelity in the marriage? Did one spouse have a substance abuse problem? Were there financial issues that led to problems in the marriage? Did your priorities differ? Was there a lack of communication in the marriage?
The key to a successful remarriage is to resolve these and other issues. If this doesn’t happen, you’re going to be in the same place you were before.
2. Go to couples counseling.
Just because you work through the problems your first marriage suffered with, doesn’t mean there aren’t any further problems lurking below the surface. You need to learn from your past mistakes to ensure you don’t make them again. If there is anything you have yet to resolve, do it before you get married.
If you began counseling before the reconciliation, be sure to continue with the process after the marriage. Counseling will help you to address the conflicts that will inevitably arise. It makes you work at the start of the new relationship so that the remarriage has a better chance of success.
Counseling gives the relationship the foundation it needs. You still have to put time and effort into the marriage, but you’ll be given the tools to help you succeed.
If you want to find a counselor, we recommend the online service from Relationship Hero. Here, you can connect with a relationship expert who can guide you through any issues you have and help you resolve your conflicts in a calm and productive way so that they don’t lead you down the same road as before.
Click here now if you’d like to give couples counseling a try.
3. Remember who you are marrying.
You and your spouse may have changed during the years, but there are some things that will remain the same. And those things that unnerved you before are likely to unnerve you again. You need to recognize that these annoyances may still be there.
You have to consider how you will deal with these annoyances this time around. Have you got mechanisms through which you can come to terms with what may be a permanent part of who your spouse is?
If you can’t accept these parts of your spouse and find ways to cope with them, they will cause major issues sooner or later.
4. Prepare for misunderstandings and arguments.
In the honeymoon phase of reconciliation, there may be no arguments or misunderstandings. Don’t be fooled into thinking this will never happen again if you remarry your ex.
Conflict is a natural part of life and relationships. After all, you are two different people with different views and feelings. The key is to talk things over calmly and find a solution that each party can be happy with.
5. Be attuned to your spouse.
Communication is vital if a marriage is to work out, whether it’s your first, second, or subsequent marriage. This communication can come in the form of words, eye contact, and body language.
Listen to your partner, and if there is something that you can compromise on, find a way. Give each other empathy when it’s needed, rather than turning away from your spouse. Show them that you care about them and their situation, verbally and non-verbally.
6. Put together a prenuptial agreement.
One of the ways to protect yourself when remarrying your ex is to put together a prenuptial agreement. The very idea of one can be a sensitive topic, but if the marriage fails once more, each person can feel rest assured that their assets are protected.
Bear in mind, this is not a demonstration of not caring about each other. It’s just a “What if” document that will protect both of you later.
Plus, if you really love each other and it does work out, then there is no need to worry about this document ever being needed.
7. Remain positive about the relationship.
When you decide to remarry the same person after a divorce, people will question that decision – friends, family, maybe even coworkers. The key to success is to ignore what they are saying and press on with what you want. When you listen to them, it can seep into the marriage and lead to its demise.
When people share their opinions, just thank them for their concern, but assert that you both plan to work hard on the relationship. Ask them to support you, not to disparage you from moving forward with the spouse.
Still not sure how to give your second marriage to someone the best chance of success? Whether you want advice just for yourself or as a couple, you should seriously consider professional counseling. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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