Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you identify why you dislike your husband’s touch and work to enjoy it again. Simply click here to connect with one via BetterHelp.com. Or for relationship counseling, speak to one of the experts at Relationship Hero to resolve the issues that are preventing you from enjoy physical intimacy. Click here to chat to someone right now.
Your husband’s touch used to feel good, but now you cringe whenever he gets near you.
There are some important questions to ask yourself here…
Is it that you can’t stand unsolicited touching and inappropriate contact, or do you hate getting intimate with your husband altogether?
When did the problem start? Maybe your husband did something that is making you pull away from him, like cheating on you, for instance. Maybe your body changed significantly and you no longer feel attractive. Or perhaps you stopped enjoying his touch after you had children.
Whatever it is, you have to find a solution if you want to make your marriage work. For the majority of people, a good sex life is just as important in a marriage as it is when dating. A lot of married couples get into fights over trivial things because they are actually unhappy with how things are in the bedroom.
Your sex life shouldn’t stop being fulfilling when you get married and/or have kids. Sex is also not something that you should have to ‘give’ your husband to keep him happy.
How do you feel about sex in general? Are you comfortable with intimacy? You surely enjoyed sex before, so why can’t you even cuddle with your husband anymore?
Do you think that you could enjoy that level of intimacy with someone else, or does your husband have nothing to do with why you avoid his touch?
Let’s start by identifying the root of the problem.
7 Possible Reasons Why You Hate Your Husband’s Touch
Figuring out the cause of your problem is the first and most important step to overcoming it. So let’s start with the possible reasons for your feelings.
1. Your relationship is unhealthy.
Maybe you don’t just feel uncomfortable when your husband touches you. You feel uncomfortable in your relationship in its entirety. If you’ve been unhappy and you’ve had a lot of problems in your marriage lately, it’s only natural that you might recoil at your husband’s advances.
Maybe he hasn’t been treating you well, and your disgust comes as a form of self-defense. If he has been abusive, your body might be telling you that you need distance from him. This is especially true if he has been violent, but it also applies to verbal and emotional abuse. If he belittles you, controls you, isolates you from your loved ones, disrespects your boundaries, and blames you for everything, your relationship is toxic, even if it wasn’t like that from the start.
In this case, you don’t have an aversion to sex, you have an unhealthy relationship. So, you can either try to fix this rather major issue, or move on and get a divorce. Either way, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a therapist and get support from your family members and friends.
2. Your husband always puts his own needs first.
What if your husband isn’t mean or cruel, but he is selfish? Maybe he always puts his own needs first, both in the bedroom and outside of it. Perhaps he doesn’t try to get you in the mood or doesn’t consider the mood you’re currently in when he tries to touch you.
You might feel like sex is something you only do for your husband, not for yourself. If he is also a selfish lover, you probably feel neglected and assume that he’s only thinking of his own pleasure.
You should work on rediscovering your sexuality and reminding yourself that you deserve a satisfying sex life just as much as anyone else.
Put your needs first and see if you can get your husband to consider them more too. Don’t forget that he should consider your other needs just as much as those in the bedroom department, so try to make progress across your relationship.
3. You don’t love your husband anymore.
If you married this man, you probably loved him at some point, but you no longer feel that way about him. Whether it’s because of something he did or simply because of a change of heart, you don’t love him anymore, or at least not as much as you used to.
When this happens, you should ask yourself whether the love is truly gone or if you’re missing something else that used to be there, such as fun and excitement.
If you want to rekindle the passion in your marriage and the love you have for your husband, there are ways you can do that. Remind yourself of your husband’s good qualities and everything nice he does for you. Try to talk to him about the problem in your marriage, and see if you could work on your intimacy together, or with the help of a relationship counselor.
Maybe you just feel disconnected without physical touch, and slowly reintroducing it into your marriage along with discussing the other issues could change the way you feel no end.
4. You are mad at him.
Maybe you’ve been having a lot of fights lately and you are mad at each other. How long has your skin crawled when your husband touches you? If it hasn’t been long and you have hit a rough patch recently, it’s not that uncommon. You are probably just upset because of the fight you had, and because the issues you fought about remain unresolved.
Naturally, you need to have positive feelings toward your husband if you are going to enjoy his touch. So don’t force intimacy until you have worked through the issues you’ve been fighting about.
5. You resent him.
Maybe you resent your husband because of the way things have been or because of something he did. If it has been a while since you started feeling disgusted by his touch, think about when it first started. Maybe there was a very bad fight that you never resolved or your husband had an affair. If he cheated on you, it’s normal to feel disgusted by his touch for some time afterward. You need time to heal a wound like that.
Whatever it is, you will need to truly forgive him for it if you are going to make things work. Resentment can slowly consume a relationship and damage it beyond repair. So decide whether you want to work on your marriage or not. If you do, you can try talking to a therapist if you’re having trouble letting go of resentment.
6. You have experienced trauma in the past.
Some people feel disgusted by physical touch because they have experienced trauma, whether it’s sexual trauma or another type. In this case, your husband should try to understand you and give you the support you need to seek help.
If you had experiences with forced sexual contact you are likely associating sexual touch with danger, pain, anxiety, and a threat. Seek the help of a professional and let your husband support you.
If, however, your husband caused you the sexual trauma, find a way to get away from him, get help, and alert the authorities. Don’t stay with an abuser!
7. You are unhappy with your body.
In the end, maybe your aversion to sexual touch has nothing to do with your husband.
If your body shape recently (and significantly) changed, it could be the reason why you avoid his touch. Maybe you have recently gained or lost a lot of weight, had a baby, got body-shamed, or suffered an illness. If so, try to get the support of your loved ones and talk to a professional. You should love your body and embrace your sexuality, regardless of your shape and size.
Learn to accept and love yourself, even if it’s the new you that you don’t recognize. You could always work on getting your old body shape back or improving the existing one if you’re not happy with it, but don’t forget that you can also love yourself regardless of how you currently look.
Investing in new clothes, hair, and makeup, and dressing up could help you see yourself in a better light. But don’t stop there; improve yourself in every way you see fit, both inside and out.
9 Ways To Enjoy Being Touched Again
Now that you have a pretty good idea why you don’t enjoy your husband’s touch anymore, it’s time to do something about it. Regardless of your specific situation, you should know that it will take work to make your marriage the way you want it to be.
Physical touch is not all there is to a marriage, but it should definitely be an important aspect of it. It helps keep you emotionally connected and in love.
So, let’s see what you can do to feel that way again.
1. Work on your marriage.
Before addressing the issue of physical intimacy in your marriage, you should see if there are other issues that are contributing to how you feel about sex. It’s not surprising that you don’t want your husband to touch you if you don’t feel happy in your marriage.
Maybe you feel out of control because your husband thinks he has a right to sex even when you’re not in the mood. Perhaps you sleep with him even though you don’t want to, and this is harming to your mental well-being.
Perhaps you don’t ever feel in the mood for sex because you husband doesn’t make you feel special, respected, and valued. If the problem goes beyond your sex life and you don’t even enjoy holding hands with him, you are probably deeply unhappy.
He should make an effort to make you feel better in your relationship. A healthy marriage doesn’t just happen on its own. It requires constant work. And that works needs to involve both of you.
So, let your husband in on the problem if he’s not already aware of it. See if you could get outside help too as the issues are likely to be quite big if you’re in this position.
2. Establish boundaries and ground rules.
Maybe there are times when you enjoy your husband’s touches, and you don’t hate every form they take. If you only hate unsolicited groping and other similar ways your husband touches you when you’re not in the mood for that, establishing boundaries and ground rules can help solve your problem.
Let your husband know how and when you don’t like to be touched and make it clear that you don’t enjoy that. This is especially important if he considers your resistance as playfulness. Make it clear that you hate being touched in certain ways and let him know which touches you consider inappropriate.
You could also talk about the ways he could recognize when you are in the mood for the types of touches or intimacy you do enjoy. Establishing boundaries and ground rules is a good idea regardless of the reasons why you can’t stand physical contact with your husband. He should be well aware of your likes and dislikes when it comes to intimacy and he should definitely respect them.
3. Discover the touches you’re comfortable with.
Once you are clear on what you don’t like, discover what you do like together.
Maybe you just wish that your husband’s touches were more gentle, romantic, and set aside for alone time. Explain what you like and don’t be afraid to try things when you’re not sure.
Do you occasionally enjoy touching him? Then do so! Maybe you would like it if he would just reciprocate your touches, so don’t be afraid to initiate things when you’re in the mood.
Try to help him be more aware and respectful of your moods too. Maybe you would be comfortable with his hand on yours in a romantic restaurant while you’re staring into each other eyes, but you’re not comfortable with him smacking your behind while you’re holding a child and a bag of groceries.
He should know what you like, but he should also be more aware and considerate of the things that are going on inside your mind because you can’t just relax in his embrace when you’re thinking about the dirty dishes from yesterday. What if he was to wash them and give you a hug and a kiss afterward? Surely you would enjoy that, and it might even put you in the mood for more!
4. Try to be more spontaneous.
Once you are open to a few gentle touches, try to explore your body. You can do this both on your own and with your husband. Don’t let him break your boundaries, but discover your likes and dislikes even if it means trying something that you’re not a hundred percent sure of.
You shouldn’t feel forced into anything, but sexual intimacy should be spontaneous, and if you have your “yes and no” regions, your husband might feel frustrated with the lack of freedom in the bedroom.
This doesn’t mean that you should try something that you’re not okay with it, but try to explore the possibilities and feel freer regarding your sexuality. Touch yourself and let your husband know what does and does not feel good.
The point is to feel free and spontaneous in the bedroom even if there are boundaries and rules. Sex shouldn’t feel like a job that you just want to get over with to keep your husband quiet. So, if it has started to feel that way, try enjoying your sexuality on your own and include your husband once you’re ready.
5. Find ways to make an easier transition to intimacy.
Men don’t always understand how much and how often women multitask. You can’t easily transition from a large messy room full of screaming kids to a romantic bedroom setting ready for snuggles. It’s not like you have a button that you could push to get in the mood, and sometimes you have other things on your mind.
Your husband should understand that and help you transition from thinking about what you’ve got to do tomorrow to how arousing his touches are. But, you have to put effort into it too. Find ways to make an easier transition from your daily responsibilities to enjoying physical pleasures with your husband. You could create a romantic atmosphere more often. Candles, champagne, chocolates, roses, music – use these sorts of things to get into the mood and don’t rush to “get it over with.”
You don’t even have to have sex. Try to enjoy physical intimacy by simply cuddling and enjoying each other touches before you are ready to have sex again.
6. Tackle any resentment you feel.
As we established earlier, if your skin crawls when your man tries to express physical affection, it could be because you resent him for something. So, find it in your heart to forgive him if you want to feel turned on by him again.
The work you do on physical intimacy doesn’t start and end in the bedroom. Talk through your issues and find help if you need it. It’s easy to say that you’ve forgiven someone, but when you still resent them, you never truly forgave them.
So, if your husband did something to hurt you, let him make it up to you and really forgive him this time. Don’t just sweep your problems under the rug. Communicate effectively because the issue you’re experiencing with intimacy might be caused by another one that you’re neglecting to deal with.
7. Think about the purpose of sex.
It would be easy for you to think that your husband just wants to have an orgasm, but that’s probably not the purpose of sex to him, even if it seems that way. He probably sees sex as a way to connect with you and build intimacy, so don’t think of it as something purely physical.
Maybe your man just doesn’t know how to build that intimacy in other ways that you would enjoy, so try prolonging the foreplay and cuddling more often. If you are unable to do that, don’t have sex either. Putting a pause on intimacy in your marriage could damage it, but only if you don’t use that time to identify the problem and work on fixing it. If you are not comfortable with any displays of physical affection at this time, focus on improving your marriage until you are ready to try again.
Whatever you do, don’t make sex something that just needs to be done. You should both want it to happen. If you don’t, your marriage has problems that you must work on.
8. Embrace your sexuality.
Do you enjoy touching yourself, and do you feel good in your own skin? Start embracing your sexuality, even if it means hitting the gym and putting on nice clothes to feel sexy.
You should feel sexy, desirable, and ultimately, confident in your own body. If you don’t feel that way, there’s some work that you need to do that your husband can’t help you with that much.
Love yourself and treat yourself kindly. Try to be more feminine if it helps you feel sexier. Get your nails done, get a haircut, and wear clothes that highlight your good assets. Changing your physical appearance in a positive way could help you feel more like a woman. If you’ve turned into a mother and a wife, you didn’t stop being a woman, so do things to feel that way again.
9. Talk to a therapist.
The problem you’re experiencing is quite common, and someone who has helped people in similar situations can help you work things out too.
Hating your husband’s touch doesn’t have to be a big issue if it gets resolved in time, but it can be a big threat to your marriage. If you don’t want your marriage to end, you should try to keep the spark alive and freely express your feelings through physical touch.
Unfortunately, things aren’t always that simple, and feelings can be confusing. This is why it’s good to talk to someone who understands your problem and knows proven ways to solve it. Even if you’re thinking of ending the marriage, you are going to need all the support that you can get, so don’t ignore the issue and talk to someone about it.
Still not sure how to enjoy your husband’s touch again? Speak to a therapist today who can walk you through the process. Simply click here to connect with one of the experienced therapists on BetterHelp.com. If you think it’s all down to problems in your wider relationship, you might want to speak to a relationship expert instead. Click here to chat to one of the experts from Relationship Hero.
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- How To Deal With Resentment In Your Relationship: 12 No Bullsh*t Tips
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- “We Don’t Have Sex Anymore” – 10 Reasons Why And Advice For Each
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