8 Reasons For Sexual Incompatibility + 5 Things You Can Do About It

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So, you’re in a relationship with someone you really like. You have loads of things in common and find them fascinating.

And you find them sexually attractive too.

But when you’re actually in the bedroom, things just don’t quite click.

Sexually speaking, you’re not particularly compatible.

And you’re worried about what that might mean for your relationship.

Does it mean you’re just not right for each other? Does it mean there’s no future for the two of you?

Not at all.

Sexual incompatibility can be a problem in a relationship, but it’s a problem you can definitely solve if you put your mind to it, and if you decide that the relationship is worth it.

Let’s take a look at some of the key reasons why you might be sexually incompatible with your partner, and consider the ways you could approach the issue.

8 Reasons Why You’re Not Compatible In The Bedroom

1. You have different sex drives.

Your sex drives just aren’t in sync. Maybe yours really suffers when you’re busy or stressed and they don’t have that problem and find it hard to understand.

Maybe they like sex in the evenings but you get too tired and are more of a morning person.

Maybe you’d be happy with sex every so often, whereas they’d have sex every day if they could.

Whatever it is, your needs and desires for sex don’t quite match.

2. You have different sexual tastes.

Maybe the two of you don’t coincide on the things you like in the bedroom. They like certain things you’re indifferent to and vice versa.

That can make for sexual encounters that don’t quite hit the spot for either of you. Or it might only do it for one of you, leaving the other feeling frustrated and unsatisfied.

3. They like things you’re not comfortable with.

Or vice versa. Maybe it’s not just a matter of slightly different tastes. Maybe the things they enjoy the most and really crave are things you’re actively not comfortable with and would never consider.

And maybe the things that turn you on are things they’d never dream of doing either.

These might be big fantasies or fetishes that are really important for you or them to feel satisfied but that can’t be fulfilled in this relationship.

4. You struggle to read each other’s signs.

Maybe it all just gets a bit awkward because you both struggle to read the other person’s body language and understand what they want and if they’re having a good time.

You think you’ve understood what they’re trying to tell you or what they’re asking for, but it never quite seems to hit the spot, and things just don’t flow naturally when you’re together.

5. You don’t talk.

Maybe neither of you are very vocal in the bedroom and don’t tell the other person what you want or need from them.

In a relationship, you have to communicate openly about your sexual needs if you want to stand a chance of having them met.

Neither of you are mind readers, so if you want something, you need to be comfortable enough to ask for it.

6. You’re not on the same level.

Maybe you’re looking to connect with your partner on an emotional level when you’re having sex, and they don’t seem to be able to be vulnerable with you in that way.

For them, sex is more about a physical release than deepening the emotional connection between you.

7. There are other problems in your relationship.

Sex is tangled up with our emotions, and if things aren’t going well in the bedroom, it could be a sign that there are other problems between you.

Maybe there’s a lack of trust or a lack of communication. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable with each other and able to relax and be vulnerable with this person.

Have a think about whether things are genuinely all great apart from your sexual compatibility, or whether this is a sign that things are right between you.

8. You (or they) have some things you need to work on.

And last but not least, it might not be your relationship or your partner that’s the problem at all.

It might be that one or both of you have some personal issues that have nothing to do with your relationship that are getting in the way of mutually satisfying sex.

Maybe you struggle to trust anyone or let your guard down.

Maybe you’re struggling with work or have issues with your family and find it hard to switch off from that and just be with your partner.

Maybe you’re suffering from anxiety or depression and that’s getting in the way of your sex drive.

There are lots of things that could be going on in your life or with your body that can take their toll on your sex life and make you wonder whether you’re sexually incompatible with your partner.

5 Ways To Approach Sexual Incompatibility

1. Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more.

You’ve heard it before, but communication is absolutely everything in a relationship.

And the fastest way to get comfortable with talking about sex with your partner is by practicing! It won’t be easy to start with, but you’ll gradually feel less awkward once you start having these conversations.

Let them know what you want or need from them in the bedroom (without demanding anything of them) and listen carefully when they tell you what their needs are.

2. Address anything in your life that might be getting in the way.

If you think that something that has nothing to do with your relationship is taking its toll on the sex you have with your partner, then do what you can to tackle those problems at the root.

Don’t shy away from them because if they’re affecting the sex you’re having, they’re probably affecting other areas of your life too.

Face up to your problems and deal with them head on, possibly with the help of professional help where appropriate.

3. Spend quality time together – get romantic.

If you want to have better sex with someone, then you need to put some effort into rekindling the romance between you.

Spend some quality time together, having new, fun experiences.

Spend time talking and discovering more about each other’s minds. Remind yourself of all the things you love about this person.

And then wine and dine each other, light candles, and give each other massages. Go overboard on the romance and create the perfect environment for relaxed, loving sex.

4. Do what you can to feel more comfortable in your own skin.

One of the problems you might be facing is that you have body image issues. Maybe you hate the way your body looks and can’t understand why your partner would find you attractive.

Maybe you spend the entire time you’re together worrying about whether they’ll notice that one part of your body you’re really hung up on.

In that case, what you need is a serious boost of self-confidence and self-love. To start with, stop voluntarily exposing yourself to things that make you feel worse about your body.

Stop following those fitness influencers on Instagram and fill your feed with body positivity instead. Make a conscious effort not to talk badly about your body and read and watch things that remind you you’re wonderful and sexy just as you are.

Make sure you’re eating lots of nourishing, varied food and getting active so you feel strong and supple and proud of what your body can do.

And as the cherry on the cake, treating yourself to self-care and making sure you’re glowing on the outside can make you feel so much more confident in the bedroom and more willing to be vulnerable with your partner.

5. Get in touch with your own needs.

To have good sex, you need to know what you like. You won’t be able to tell the other person what you need from them if you haven’t got in touch with your own body.

So, explore self-pleasure as a way of discovering what it is that really gets you going. And encourage them to do the same so that they can communicate their needs to you.

It’s important to have a talk with your partner about self-pleasure and if you’d like to establish any rules around it. Are you okay with your partner reading or watching something whilst they do it? Is there a line you wouldn’t want them to cross? Is there something you’d like to do which you think they might perceive as cheating?

Everyone has different ideas about this so it’s so important to have these conversations and figure out where the lines are for you. Don’t let the way anyone else does things dictate how you’re going to do it.

Anything goes, from deciding neither of you will watch porn to deciding you’re going to have an open relationship. Just make sure you talk about this honestly and openly and both agree, with neither of you pressuring the other.

Self-pleasure can also be a great way for one or both of you to indulge a certain fetish or kink that the other person isn’t interested in, making you feel more sexually fulfilled within the bounds of your relationship.

Can a relationship survive sexual incompatibility?

If you’ve realized that your sexual incompatibility is the result of deeper issues in your relationship, then that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. But it does mean you’ve got some hard work ahead of you to move past those issues.

And if you think sexual compatibility really is your issue, then it’s all a matter of whether you’re willing to work through it or not.

Be honest with yourself, as this isn’t something you’ll be able to fix overnight. You’ve got to be serious about this relationship to be willing to put the effort in and make the sacrifices necessary for you both to be sexually fulfilled.

But if you’re determined to make it work, then there’s no reason that sexual incompatibility issues should spell the end of your relationship.

If you communicate well and respect each other’s needs, then the only way is up.

Still not sure how to move beyond your compatibility issues in the bedroom? Listen, sex is an important aspect of most relationships, so if your sex life is struggling, you will certainly benefit from speaking to a relationship expert (either by yourself or as a couple). They can offer advice that’s specific to your situation and provide a safe place to discuss things. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.

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About Author

Katie is a writer and translator with a focus on travel, self-care and sustainability. She's based between a cave house in Granada, Spain, and the coast of beautiful Cornwall, England. She spends her free time hiking, exploring, eating vegan tapas and volunteering for a local dog shelter.