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Are you worried that you and your spouse seem to have nothing in common anymore?
You don’t have the same interests and spend more time apart than together. Even when you are together, you barely interact, only discussing the bare minimum you have to. It’s getting to the point that you don’t even know what you’d talk about if you did stay to have a conversation.
If any of these thoughts and feelings sound familiar, you need to spend some time evaluating your relationship. Do you worry that you’d be happier if you and your spouse were apart? Or maybe worry that you’re making this more of an issue than it needs to be?
Your fear of drifting apart from your spouse is proof that you care about your relationship. If you’d already decided you no longer want to be with your spouse, you wouldn’t care as much as you do, and you’d continue to move further apart.
You need to determine how big of a problem it is to you that you and your spouse are so different. Try to understand when you started to feel this way and when it affected your relationship.
You may have just reached a point in your life where you’ve questioned your relationship and noticed issues where there were never any before. Maybe you were always this different, but something has changed so that you’ve only realized it just now.
It’s not about how similar you are but how you respond to each other that counts. Try not to jump to conclusions about why you’re feeling this way. You should think before making any lasting decisions that will affect your relationship in the long term.
If you feel you have nothing in common with your spouse and you’re unsure where to go from here, keep reading for some ideas on what to try next.
Has something changed in your relationship to make you feel this way?
If you’ve just started noticing a sense of disconnection with your spouse, try to think of any other changes in your relationship or personal life that may have influenced these feelings.
Sometimes an event can trigger us to start questioning the stages we’re at in our lives and overanalyze how we feel.
It could be a change in your work schedules that always used to keep you apart, or your kids have grown up and left home, and you don’t have the distractions of a busy household to keep you both occupied.
Maybe you’re in a position now where you’re spending more time with your spouse than what you have in years and aren’t quite used to it.
Whatever the trigger is, realize that it’s less to do with your relationship and more to do with getting used to a new stage in your life. It can take time to adjust when something changes to affect your relationship. Although it might feel different and unsettling right now, have faith that your relationship is strong enough for you to find a way to work through it.
You might be right and that now you’ve had a chance to spend more time with your spouse, you realize that you have grown into different people and don’t make each other happy in the way you used to. But if something has triggered these feelings, then at least give your relationship time to adjust before you make any rash decisions.
Have you always been this way and never realized it?
You might feel that you and your spouse have nothing in common, but have you considered that you’ve always been this way and are only just noticing now? We’ve all heard that opposites attract; maybe that’s what happened with you and your partner.
The excitement of a new relationship, falling in love, building a home, or even starting a family are all milestones that can distract you from how much you have in common. Love can make you blind to a lot of things. Now that you’ve achieved these milestones, you finally have time to focus on each other and realize how different you are.
Realizing your differences doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. You may not have appreciated how different you’ve always been, but you’ve still managed to make your relationship work all this time.
Rather than worrying that your differences are going to drive you apart, see it as an opportunity to reconnect with your spouse and learn more about each other to find a new sense of closeness you’ve never experienced before.
It’s normal to have moments when you feel this way.
How long had you been together with your partner before you started worrying that you no longer had anything in common with them?
When you’ve settled into a relationship and have been together a while, you’ll have experienced most of the exciting “firsts” that keep relationships feeling fresh and exciting. Has your relationship reached the point where the only thing to focus on is each other? Are you noticing that you both have changed?
Even when a relationship is in a good place, couples still disagree and need space from each other. We’re only human, after all. It’s also natural to occasionally check in on how you feel your relationship is going, especially if you’ve hit a bit of a rocky patch or feel like you’ve become a passenger, instead of an active participant, in your love life. It takes work to make a relationship last; there will be times when you question if you can still make each other happy.
Time moves on. The experience you share as a couple shape you as individuals. Just because you feel you’ve lost common ground with your spouse doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love with each other, maybe just that you need to get to know each other again.
Even if you don’t think you have anything in common with your partner anymore, that doesn’t mean you can’t share new experiences. You may both have grown and changed as people over time; what you once had in common may not be the same now. That shouldn’t stop you from finding new things you can bond over to recapture your spark.
While it’s normal to question where you’re at in your life and consider the future, don’t confuse the security, trust, and comfort you share with your spouse for lack of affection. It’s up to you whether you want to keep agonizing over how much you’ve grown apart or want to focus on all the things you could yet share.
Accept that you can’t recreate the past.
As much as you’ve noticed that your relationship has changed, you have probably changed too. Feeling that you have nothing in common with your spouse could indicate how you have grown as a person rather than any change in your partner.
When you got together, you might have shared lots of interests with your spouse; maybe you were both party animals that loved a good night out or met through a club you used to attend. Over time, you’ve stopped going out as much or moved somewhere new. Those commonalities you shared aren’t part of your life as much as they once were.
You may realize that you’ve lost some of the things that made you such a good match and are worried that without them, you have nothing in common keeping you together anymore.
People change over time – we’re not always going to like the same things we used to enjoy. You may have changed as people, but it’s whether you’ve been able to change at the same pace and can appreciate the new versions of who you’ve become that will tell you if your relationship will last.
This experience is an opportunity to learn more about your spouse, the person they’ve become, and yourself too! There’s a whole world of new experiences and opportunities to explore. Who better to explore them with than the person who’s been there to watch you grow into the person you are today?
The relationship you have now might not be the same as when you first met, but nothing stops it from being the most exciting phase yet.
Embrace your differences.
Perhaps you’re right; you don’t have anything in common with your spouse anymore. What should you do about it? The right answer might be: nothing.
Is it a significant issue that you like different things? Do you need to spend more time together, or do you just feel like you should because there’s pressure for you to have the same interests?
Just because you’re in a relationship together, it doesn’t mean you are any less of an individual – who has their own needs too. You need to be happy independently to bring the best version of yourself into the relationship, which might mean doing things you enjoy without your spouse.
You shouldn’t feel as though you have to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of finding something that your spouse enjoys too. Everyone needs an outlet where they can relax and blow off some steam for the sake of their own mental and physical health. It shouldn’t matter if that is a joint activity with your spouse or not.
If it’s not, then you have something new to talk about together. You can celebrate and learn about each other’s interests without having to enjoy doing them too.
It’s okay to be different. You were two individuals before you got into this relationship; you shouldn’t feel like you have to give up part of yourself to be together. Even if you have nothing in common, this is an opportunity to enjoy your two different perspectives. If being in love is the only thing you have in common, then that’s the most important thing to share.
Try giving something new a go.
You have to work at a relationship, both putting effort in to keep that spark alive and avoid getting stuck in a rut.
You think you and your spouse have nothing in common – and you could be right. Nothing is stopping you from still taking an interest in what they do.
They might enjoy things that you don’t like or understand, but try to show a willingness to see life from their perspective. Whether it’s a difference in the way they do things around the house or an activity they like that you don’t, you won’t feel so distant from them if you ask to be involved once in a while.
It might feel odd or still not be the way you prefer to spend your time, but at least you’re showing your spouse that you take an interest in them. It’s not about what you do together, but instead about spending time together in the first place. If you have to join in on something your spouse enjoys and you don’t, is that so bad?
You may even surprise yourself and find that you have more of an appreciation for your spouse’s interests than you think. You could end up learning something or at least gain more understanding of what makes them tick.
Ideally, your spouse will see the effort you’re making to spend more time together and want to do the same with you. Whether you’re teaching each other a new skill, introducing them to new people, or just showing them how you like to go about things in daily life, it’s a chance to learn even more about each other. Sharing perspectives is a positive way to find closeness through your differences rather than be divided by them.
Communicate with your spouse.
Feeling distanced from your spouse often comes down to a lack of communication.
The issue between you might not be that you have nothing in common anymore but that you’ve stopped actively making time for each other in your relationship.
You don’t have to see life from the same perspective or enjoy the same things to have a healthy relationship with each other. You have to continuously put effort and time into making your relationship a priority and not let distractions drift you apart.
If you feel you don’t know what to say to your spouse or how to act around them anymore, have you tried talking to them about it? A gentle conversation should be the first step if you’re worried about where your relationship is heading.
It can be as simple as saying, “I feel like we don’t spend any time together anymore” or “I miss you, and I feel like we need to spend some more quality time with each other.” Your spouse can’t change if they don’t know how you’re feeling. Even if you might think that it’s obvious you’ve grown apart, they might disagree.
If you’re struggling to communicate with your spouse, ask for help from a professional relationship counselor. Their skillset is to help couples communicate better and navigate through challenges in their relationship. It doesn’t mean you can’t make things work between you on your own; it shows that you care enough to do everything you can to make it work.
Having regular conversations with each other to check in on what you’re both feeling in your relationship is a good thing to start, no matter how long you’ve been together. It opens up the opportunity for an honest dialogue between you and will help you face any obstacles as a team instead of struggling on your own and growing further apart.
Be more tactile.
You don’t necessarily have to have a lot in common to have a successful relationship. We hear that love can overcome anything. For some, their love for each other and shared history keeps them together in spite of their different approaches to life.
When you feel you have nothing in common anymore, you’re likely not spending enough meaningful time together as a couple to remind you of the bond you share.
Touch is a vital part of any relationship and helps build sexual chemistry. It’s an essential part of flirting when you first meet someone; why let it fade out of your relationship now?
Simply being more tactile with your partner again to physically encourage the closeness you feel like you’ve lost could be what you need to get your relationship back on track. Holding their hand, hugging them, kissing them, or even just putting your hand on their shoulder, are all simple ways of recapturing some intimacy in your relationship and reminding you of the attraction you have for each other.
You don’t have to change who you are to keep your relationship alive; you might just need to start giving each other some attention again.
It’s good to have your interests and take time for yourself even when in a relationship. Different interests allow you to be who you are as an individual rather than only identifying as one half of a couple.
Feeling that you have nothing in common with your spouse isn’t something to take lightly. This person is the one you’ve chosen to be your life partner – you need to be able to make each other happy. Staying together because it’s easier than being apart isn’t a reason to be in a relationship. You have to be honest with yourself if the distance between you has become too much to overcome.
Before you make any life-changing decisions, you need to be sure it’s not too late to come back from the brink. Just because you don’t have anything in common doesn’t mean you don’t still share an emotional connection. If that is still there, then there’s hope that you can bring back the spark you’re missing.
Even if the only thing you have in common is the fact you love each other, you can still make your relationship work. Just remember that rebuilding closeness and getting to know your partner again will take time and effort.
Decide if this relationship is something you genuinely want to work on. If your heart isn’t in it anymore, then it’s not fair for either you or your spouse to stay as you are. Ask yourself this: “Even if we have nothing in common, am I still in love with my partner?” If the answer is yes, then there’s still hope for this relationship yet.
Still not sure what to do when you and your spouse don’t share anything in common? If you think this is a big problem in your marriage, it’s something you need to fix sooner rather than later. The longer it goes on, the further apart you will drift. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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