People Who Seem Nice But Are Actually Mean Display These 10 Behaviors

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Learn how to spot the mean nice person.

A split image of a woman showing contrasting emotions. The left side of her face appears angry and frustrated with a furrowed brow and half her mouth frowning, while the right side is smiling and happy, with relaxed features and a bright expression against a textured background.

We’ve all encountered those individuals who seem like the epitome of kindness—smiling, engaging, and seemingly supportive. But beneath that polished exterior lies a different story. These people often have ulterior motives, and their behavior can reveal their true character. Here’s a rundown of 10 telltale signs that someone who appears nice might actually be harboring a mean streak.

1. They frequently gossip about others.

two women gossiping in an office setting

You’ve probably got that friend who seems to be in the know about everyone’s business. A gossip often hides behind a friendly smile, but their words can cut deep. Genuinely nice folks don’t waste their time tearing others down; they lift people up instead.

2. They offer backhanded compliments.

A woman with short blonde hair, wearing a navy blazer and white top, sits at a desk and gestures while talking to a man with curly hair and a beard who is listening intently. They are in a bright office setting with windows in the background.

Ah, the classic backhanded compliment! “You look great for your age!” is just one example of how they can twist a compliment into something that feels more like a jab. It’s a subtle way to undermine your confidence while pretending to be supportive.

3. They are passive-aggressive in their communication.

A woman with curly hair is seated indoors, resting her head on her hand, looking thoughtful or concerned. She wears a green blouse and a white top. In the background, a person is sitting on the floor, blurred and out of focus. The mood is contemplative.

Instead of confronting issues head-on, they prefer to take the passive-aggressive route—think sarcasm, subtle digs, and the infamous silent treatment. They’ll talk about you to everyone but you, leaving you feeling like you’re stuck playing Chinese whispers when you hear their words from others.

4. They play the victim.

Two women sit on a park bench. The woman on the left appears upset, holding a tissue to wipe her tears, while the woman on the right, wearing a colorful scarf, offers comfort by placing a hand on her shoulder. Trees and a path are visible in the background.

If something goes wrong, guess who’s the victim? They’ll twist the narrative to make you feel guilty for expressing your feelings. “Well, you didn’t need to yell at me! That’s uncalled for!” they might say (regardless of whether you were actually yelling), deflecting the blame and seeking sympathy from others instead.

5. They fake their friendliness.

A young woman with long brown hair and wearing a blue sweater is smiling while listening attentively to an unseen person gesturing in the foreground. They are outdoors, with a calm, sunlit setting and buildings in the background.

There’s a fine line between being friendly and being overly friendly. If someone is showering you with affection or attention while ignoring or undermining others, it’s a red flag. Their friendliness is often a strategic move to get closer to you for their own benefit.

6. They manipulate other people.

A woman in a plaid shirt holds puppet strings attached to a smaller man holding white flowers, making him appear as a puppet. The man is smiling and looking up at the woman. Both are set against a plain, light background.

These folks can charm the socks off anyone, but their niceness often comes with strings attached. They might use your goodwill to get what they want, all while masking their true intentions behind a facade of friendliness. Because who would fall for it if they scowled?

7. They hide condescension behind friendliness.

Two people are having a discussion at a desk in a professional setting. The person on the right, wearing a blue blazer, is speaking animatedly with hands gesturing, while the person on the left, with blonde hair in a gray blazer, is listening attentively.

They may speak in a belittling or condescending way to others, often with a smile on their face. The reason they do that is because they think lesser of that person. If they did that aggressively or with meanness, then they’d come across as a jerk.

8. Their behavior is inconsistent with the mood they present.

A woman with long dark hair wearing a red sweater is standing outdoors and looking directly at the camera with a serious expression. She is holding up her index finger as if to indicate "no" or "stop." The background is blurred.

Watch out for those who show kindness and warmth one moment and coldness or cruelty the next. A genuinely nice person isn’t going to flip-flop to that kind of extreme, nor are they going to be cruel. This kind of unpredictability is often uncomfortable, confusing, and hurtful.

9. They rarely take responsibility for themselves.

Close-up of a hand pointing directly towards the camera. The background is blurred, making it hard to discern any specific details, but it appears to be outdoors with a mix of green and other indistinct colors. The person’s face is slightly visible but out of focus.

Taking responsibility? Not their strong suit. They’ll deflect blame faster than you can say “accountability.” If they do something hurtful, expect them to spin it back on you by telling you what you did to cause them to take that cruel action—as though they had no choice in how they responded.

10. They only offer conditional kindness.

Two young men are sitting at a table near a window, engaged in a conversation. One man with short brown hair smiles while talking, wearing a blazer over a button-up shirt. The other man, facing away from the camera, wears a dark jacket. A take-out coffee cup sits on the table.

Their kindness isn’t a free gift; it’s a transaction. They expect something in return for every nice gesture, treating kindness like a currency. You might hear, “I did this for you, so now you owe me,” and just like that, the kindness feels less genuine.

Final thoughts.

Two women are outdoors. One woman looks distressed, holding her head with one hand and her other arm crossed. The other woman, wearing a denim shirt, stands beside her with one hand on her shoulder and a reassuring smile, offering comfort.

It’s easy to spot the overtly mean people; they’re often the ones you steer clear of. But the manipulators? They’re the ones who wear a mask of niceness, making it hard to see their true intentions. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is. You’ve likely picked up on these signs at a subconscious level, so don’t ignore that gut feeling. Remember, true kindness doesn’t come with strings attached; it’s genuine, selfless, and unwavering.

About The Author

Jack Nollan is a mental health writer of 10 years who pairs lived experience with evidence-based information to provide perspectives from the side of the mental health consumer. Jack has lived with Bipolar Disorder and Bipolar-depression for almost 30 years. With hands-on experience as the facilitator of a mental health support group, Jack has a firm grasp of the wide range of struggles people face when their mind is not in the healthiest of places. Jack is an activist who is passionate about helping disadvantaged people find a better path.