You can tell a lot about how people really feel about you when you start setting reasonable boundaries about the kind of behavior you will and won’t accept. Those who sincerely care about and respect you will honor these boundaries immediately. Those who don’t, or who care more about themselves, will instead cause a massive fuss and try to test your limits in various ways.
Quite simply, they liked you where they had you before and are now livid at having to adapt to your standards rather than the other way around. Here are some of the main ways they’ll try to test you:
1. Intentional boundary overstepping.
The very first thing that happens when you finally stop tolerating disrespect is that the person (or people) who have until now disrespected you with great enthusiasm will try to reassert their dominance over the situation. As a result, they’ll intentionally push the new boundaries you’ve established.
If you allow them to do so without repercussions, they’ll happily get back to the previous status quo, and you’ll never be free of their disrespect. You only have a small window in which to make it abundantly clear that this is unacceptable. As such, it’s vitally important that you dole out (and stick to) consequences for their overstepping and re-establish the new rules you’ve set.
2. Playing the victim.
When you finally make it clear that you won’t tolerate a person’s mistreatment of you anymore, they’ll likely turn it around to make you the bad guy in the situation. They’ll wail about how you’ve changed, and that they don’t recognize you anymore, or play the aggrieved party because you’re supposedly preventing them from being themselves.
These individuals will feel terribly frustrated that you’ve upset the status quo. They want to keep things as they’ve always been — namely, with them in a position of perceived dominance over you — because they don’t like being deposed in this fashion. As such, they’ll use guilt, shame, tears, and smear campaigns in an attempt to put you back in your “place.”
3. Putting you down in front of others.
The person whose disrespect you’re no longer tolerating may try to put you back in your place by belittling you in front of other people. They do this in an attempt to bolster their own position by recruiting others to help them make you feel small. One of the techniques they might use in a situation like this is to tell a story about you that’s either embarrassing or makes fun of something you’re sensitive about.
How you respond to this behavior will determine whether they persist with it or not. For example, if you laugh along out of discomfort and change the subject, they’ll know they still have power over you. In contrast, if you call them out on that behavior or dispense consequences for it, they’ll have no choice but to accept these new parameters you’ve set.
My partner and I have both experienced this sort of thing from our (now estranged) parents. It’s amazing how quickly these individuals’ attitudes will shift from “playful” antagonism to being mortally offended when the person they’re putting you down in front of comes to your defense instead of playing along with them.
4. Punishing you.
If you’ve finally made it clear that you won’t tolerate disrespect for another moment, those who have been mistreating you may see fit to punish you for no longer being meekly acquiescent. The type of punishment being doled out will depend on who has been put in their place and what role they play in your life.
For example, if you’re no longer brooking disrespect from your boss, they may cut your hours or find a way to terminate your employment. Similarly, if you’ve laid down boundaries to stop your parents from mistreating you, they may withdraw support towards you or share intimate secrets you’d told them in confidence. Alternatively, they may seek to reestablish dominance in the situation by threatening to cut you out of their wills or sell the items you have in storage at their place, and so on.
5. Creating conflict as a means of regaining control.
This is often done with the intention of overstepping boundaries, trying to reorganize the social hierarchy, and attempting to get what they want. These people feel acute discomfort and irritation with the new dynamic you’re establishing, so they’ll drum up conflict as a means of regaining control.
Let’s say you’ve set boundaries with your domineering family about your upcoming wedding. They’ve been pressuring you to have it at a particular location, on a specific date, incorporating the traditions they want, and so on. Now that you’ve set the ground rules and made it abundantly clear that you’re having the celebration that the two of you want, the parental figures may drum up conflict in order to shift things back the way they like.
For example, if they are particularly emotionally immature, they may call up the venue and cancel the event on your behalf, schedule a trip on your chosen date in an attempt to force you to change it, or similar.
6. Poisoning your social net.
When you finally stop tolerating disrespect from a person, they may try to retaliate by turning those closest to you against you. For example, they may tell your partner, friends, and family members lies about you in an attempt to alienate you from your social security net.
If they don’t have immediate access to you themselves, they may recruit “flying monkeys” to help with their dirty work, e.g., mutual acquaintances or distant relatives. These people may be keen to join in on doling out punishment towards you (especially if they’ve been told some rather heinous lies), and often come back later to apologize for having been led astray by falsehoods.
Be wary about trusting them again if this happens, as they’ve already shown a propensity for being easily manipulated into turning against you.
7. Damaging your possessions.
This is a rather infantile way that people will test you once you stop tolerating their disrespect, but it can be put into practice by individuals of any age. Just because they’ve reached a certain age, that doesn’t mean they’re mature. As a result, they might damage your possessions in an attempt to goad you into responding the way they want you to, namely by being upset and rising to the bait they’ve cast.
Someone at work might “accidentally” keep throwing out your lunch, for example, or your partner (or parent) may keep breaking your favorite dishes, destroying your clothes in the wash by “mistakenly” putting your woolens into the dryer, and so on. It’s usually a subtle approach that could be explained away as an honest mistake if you weren’t patently aware of the kind of person they really are.
8. Sabotaging opportunities and close relationships.
Depending on how manipulative and/or vindictive these individuals are, they may try to sabotage your job or personal life by making false reports against you. They’ll do this in an attempt to destabilize you and “get you off your high horse” by trying to make you feel vulnerable in the face of their mistreatment.
Their goal is to humble you and force you to feel small again so you’ll go back to how things were rather than defending these new boundaries of yours with such strength and confidence. They want to get the old, weaker version of you back by any means necessary.
9. Triangulation and creating the scenario for an ultimatum.
This one is similar to roping in others to help make fun of you, but involves getting someone else on their side in order to empower them and undermine you, usually going for the weak link in the situation. For example, let’s say you’ve set the boundary that your mother-in-law isn’t allowed to simply invite herself over and let herself into your house at will.
She may show up anyway and cry to your spouse about how mean you’re being, attempting to make her child choose between you (the chosen partner) and their own mother. It’s a terrible ultimatum situation to deal with, because if your partner sides with you, they’re potentially alienating the parent they love, but if they choose their parent instead, they’re undermining your new boundaries and showing you that they don’t have your back.
Final thoughts…
If you’ve gotten to the point where you’re refusing to tolerate disrespect anymore, you’ll have to decide for yourself what you are and are not willing to accept as far as boundary pushing goes. Some people will learn to respect your new parameters after you’ve pushed back, while others will intensify their attacks in an attempt to break you down.
You have to decide what your breaking point will be, and what you’re willing to do — or walk away from — if it turns out that your boundaries will never be honored.
